Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

Well you don’t have to suck it up but I think you both need to talk and acknowledge that you’re not enjoying life the way you did. Women do menopause and men do mid life crises and you both need to figure out how to get back to being you both. Do you do date nights, have nights in anything like that?

And you had 4 children with him?
You only get one life. Do you want to spend yours this way? This isn't marriage unless you're married to someone who isn't mature enough to maintain a proper relationship. Having 4 kids to raise though - that's a lot to do on your own.

You do not need permission to leave a crap marriage.

Even putting aside your “emotional needs”… he is shite with money, sneaky, selfish and boring.

your standards are in the gutter if you think that this is something to “suck up”

We have tried to talk about it, he says that’s the way he is and the way he wants to spend his life and I am forcing him to be someone he is not.

we will do things together occasionally and we will have pockets of great times but it’s like when that’s over things quickly go back to the way they were. I don’t think he puts in enough effort to meet me half way. If I say that- I’m complaining or trying to cause an argument. It’s all very draining.

but I also have DC to thinking about.

Stable door springs to mind

He hasn’t always been life this, which makes it harder because I guess I want the man who I married back but he feels long gone and he isn’t even bothered by that.

I know he will be a great father but yes, 4 children on my own feels overwhelming.

In one of your points he said lack of interest in life and I’ve just reread because I thought you were saying he doesn’t like his life. Unfortunately he seems to be happy as is so I’d guess if I was content and someone kept saying ‘but this can’t be it’ I wouldn’t be so happy but maybe you need to lay it out and say you feel like you need to attend counselling to work on the marriage as you want to be happy.

So when did he change?

the money issues presumably have been going on for years

I think I have been an enabler, and he has taken the mick when it comes to money.

He is paying it off but I guess that’s not the point

I think point 4- has been happening for about 3-4 years since our youngest was born. At the time I thought maybe it was depression, maybe there still is but he refuses to acknowledge that.

He’s never managed money well but after Covid he changed Jobs due to redundancies and now earns less but he still spent like he did before.

Sounds like death by a thousand cuts op.

what would happen if you separate? Is that viable?

You chose to have 4 children with this guy. That is one hell of a commitment to someone who has money problems and you find boring. It seems a bit late to change your mind now.

If we did separate DH would move out and rent nearby. This conversation has come up- he didn’t seem bothered or upset with the possibility.

Financially I’m not concerned on my side- I have a good job and have enough to get by, I actually worry about him financially and that he would get himself into a pit (I know that wouldn’t be my responsibility).

True but both the money problems and him not being interested in anything has happened after having children.

He won’t change. He’s told you that, so you accept this life or you move on.
Please don’t ’stay for the children’, it’s no life.
Did he want 4 children, or do you think that might be the problem? Either way, you can’t send any back!

Sorry, maybe I haven’t explained well. He said he is fine with his life but looking in it feels like he lacks any interest in doing anything.

I agree and I did think this, if he is happy then I guess I either accept this version of him or leave. Expecting him to change/compromise etc clear isn’t working.

If you asked him he would say we are fine, everything’s fine. He thinks one conversation about something is enough and any more means I am “going on” and “trying to cause issues”

Honestly, I probably did want children more than him but he was agreed to have them and we actively tried for each child. He adores them and he wouldn’t never say this but I think he does get overwhelmed easily especially since having our youngest.

I always said I would never be one of those women who stay for the kids but being the cause of a broken home is a horrible feeling, especially when I know DH is happy just going through the motions

See I don’t think the options are suck up or leave- I think that’s what we’ve all assumed because we’re exhausted and fed up of not being heard. I think we concentrate on getting ourselves happy, less tired etc and work on us enjoying life and try and take them along for the ride, remind them what life was and then if they don’t want that then yes, break up. Maybe that’s a silly way of looking at it but we nearly divorced after 20 years together and it was just going to be two miserable people going out to be more miserable because we wouldn’t be able to afford being separate. I started seeing friends more, doing more and then we started doing date nights, had some of his friends over etc and we’re still navigating but there’s a chance it’ll work out

I cant see how you can leave with 4 children. You'll have to wait until they are older. Maybe for something useful in the meantime like a degree or some kind of enhanced job training and start saving in preparation.
You can still have a life of your own if he is at home looking after the kids, maybe join some clubs, go out with friends.

It seems the money issue and him being a bore are not really related.

You have 4 kids under 10, surely that limits spontaneity somewhat - its not clear what you want from him. You say he has no interests/activities out the home other than gym but what do you want him to be doing that doesn't cost money and take time from the household/family life - you have 4 under 10, there's a parallel universe where you are complaining he's always out with his hobby.

It sounds like it's perhaps you that's bored and maybe you're blaming him for your dissatisfaction. Perhaps you need something outside the home to add some interest to your life?

Being rubbish with money is not great though. If he sorting it then I don't think it's ltb territory but you can leave at any time for any reason.

OP in your position I would ask to divorce. It’s the poor money habits. As long as you are financially tethered you cannot guarantee your financial security. You can alongside work on your relationship - perhaps you can see a way through or not. You can remain in the same house for childcare. But divorce to cut the financial tie. It is stealing money from your children to prop him up whilst he spends recklessly. I would try to position it as a way to stop the arguments about money.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like, and they all end one way or another.

If you are unhappy and he isn’t interested in addressing the issues, I would separate. Life is very short.

Good point- this is why I’ve always felt obligated to support him to get out of debt as I know it will impact the whole household.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

This tells me everything. This is not a marriage, not a relationship between two equal partners. He won't change and you will continue shrinking yourself.
Don't worry about what your family and friends think. 40 is too young to give up on yourself.

Let him move out. As you say, he doesn't seem bothered and you need to find the new version of you who doesn't need to shrink for anyone.