Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

I think you need to go to councelling to discuss what you want and work through your feelings.

He's being very clear about his feelings. He doesnt care about your needs and has no intention of changing. He only cares about meeting his own needs. He's a selfish person and realistically he's just going through the motions.

You can either meet your own needs, reduce your expectations of him and stay or leave him. Stop making yourself smaller and eroding yourself. You do your hobbies, do fun things and leave him with the kids. After all, he's home in his pit anyway.

If you want to leave then do that. You are 40. You are young and you can build a life for yourself.

How old are your kids?

Also consider how it would affect your life/work/fiancés if you had to sort out childcare etc to enable you to work. Raising 4 kids alone is doable, but exhausting.

I waited until my kids were adult before I walked out my marriage which had long reached its “use by” date.

I’d try marriage counselling if you can first OP. Also sounds like your DH may have some mental health issues that need resolving, especially with redundancies etc and not earning as much, he’s likely to be depressed and struggling with that.

Maybe you have mismatched energy levels. 4 kids under 10 is a lot and I’m surprised you have time and energy for book clubs, volunteering, lunches etc
You must be more organised than my house with 3 kids as life is endless washing, chores, breaking up fights and tidying and ferrying people around here. You sound like a friend of mine who is always on the go, talks a lot and her life looks exhausting to me but is very fulfilling to her. Interestingly she thinks she has ADHD which I gather is often unmasked in peri menopause.
Just a different perspective from a too tired to read books working
mum of 3.

With 4 kids I guess it’s in some ways easier to continue for the moment at least.

• Stop trying to change him or expect him be different from what he is. You want to live your life, he wants to vegetate in front of the TV so let him.
• Stop trying to change yourself in order not to annoy him. It doesn’t matter if you annoy him, he annoys you and he’s not bothered
• Live your life with your kids, friends, book clubs etc
• See if you can rub along ok like this
• If not, there’s no option but to separate

Your husband has said he won’t do counselling (further up the thread I think you have said). Given all you have written and described and despite having 4 young children, in your position I would talk to him about a trial separation.
He may need to pay off his debts first but when done if possible could he rent locally to you?
Then he would be able to look after the kids while you still get some time to yourself in the evenings? He could look after the kids from your house?
Otherwise could he board locally?
Personally, I think that having a new temporary living set up which gives you two a break from the current situation but allowed you both to assess what it would mean to split, would be good - it may in practice reinforce that you are best to be apart or demonstrate to you both that being together is the right thing for the family, but the experience would hopefully show how this could be done in a way that is better than how things currently are.
I suggest this option as it seems from what you have described that your finances are in an ok and stable position (if not his).
I think 40 is too young to settle for what you currently have with your husband

My husband was distant, disinterested, hated family life( we had 3 year old and 2 year old sons). He wanted to be in the pub with the thrilling, cool and exciting people from his new job rather than with me. It was 1996. My parents had remained married despite my mother being mainly openly disappointed with my father and my father being ND and unable to cope with real life. Their view was that you got married and so you stayed married. That was it. How happy/ miserable you were was unimportant, you just stayed married. We had agreed that I would be a SAHM until the youngest started at the school nursery ( we lived in Quedgeley at the time and there were many, many families doing the same so lots of friends about). I had no teaching job at that point , we owned a new build house with a 95% mortgage and had enough money for needs but very, very little for 'wants'. I didn't stay in my marriage because I valued it more than people do today, I stayed because I had literally no way out. No money, no parental support ,whilst I got back on my feet ,and the social shame of being the only one in my family and amongst my friends to be divorced seemed overwhelming. Times have changed and being a single parent is far more usual than it was. Women keep hold of their jobs and progress if they can. My mother thinks it is appalling that my DIL works and the children attend nursery. I have explained many times that it gives you choice and a way out and to me that is absolutely priceless. There are no prizes in heaven for spending your life in any sort of misery. You don't get a better , velvet covered seat just because you stayed in a marriage that was a hollow husk of despair. People aren't blase about divorce they allow themselves to accept it as a valid choice.

My husband is like this with the talking. Also never leaves the house unless for gym.

its not my ideal partner but I have 3 small kids so I just get my good chats elsewhere - family and friends. I get my joy from elsewhere in life

Leaving aside the money issues, he is right the things you are complaining about are his personality and his feelings towards you. Which are not things he can change easily or at all.

You are basically telling him that he needs to be a different person. No matter how you put that it is derogatory and demeaning. Would you like to be told your personality isn’t enough and your behaviour is at fault?

The marriage is done. You don’t like each other and you don’t even share finances now. All you are doing is trying to find blame and reasons to leave because you don’t have the courage of your convictions. Take ownership of your life and stop looking for someone else to blame for why you aren’t happy.

And whilst I don’t dismiss his spending problems, surely the root cause of your family finances being bad is the decision to have 4 children in an incredibly short space of time.

OP, sending hugs 💐

You’re not expecting too much — wanting communication, partnership and emotional connection is the bare minimum in a marriage. He is not giving, he is taking.

This is just who I am' is not a valid response from a grown man with a wife and four children; it’s a refusal to even participate in the relationship. He is acting his shoe size not his age.

His unwillingness to compromise means the entire emotional load is falling on you, no wonder you feel like you’re shrinking.

His spending while you scrimp is not some personality quirk — it’s a personal choice - financial irresponsibility that already puts you and the children at risk.

Your husband is not 'laid‑back' - he’s avoiding accountability and ownership of his own negative behaviour.

His lack of interest in life and in you leaves you effectively living as a single parent with a flatmate who drains your energy AND leaves you with not enough money.

The fact that he only engages in conversations he chooses is a power imbalance — your voice is being minimised in your own home. This is control.

You said you've already tried raising the issues calmly and he shut the door on change; does that not tell you everything about his priorities?

A marriage cannot survive long‑term if one partner refuses to meet the other’s emotional needs or even acknowledge them. He is ignoring the most basic needs of you and his children!!

The version of you that 'doesn’t annoy him" - sorry but WTAF?! — suppressing yourself to keep the peace will break you. Do not give him that power OP.

Being a 'good father' does not cancel out being a disengaged or dismissive husband; both roles matter. He is controlling HIS narrative.

The fact that things 'look good from the outside' is irrelevant — you’re the one living it, and your unhappiness is real.
Why do you think friends and family would tell you to 'suck it up'? Can you speak to them? Get advice from Women's Aid and find out about the Freedom Programme, you can do it online.

Compatibility isn’t about staying the same forever — it’s about growing together. He has chosen not to grow - that is his decision, not your responsibility.

If nothing changes, the marriage will continue to erode your confidence, identity and emotional wellbeing. You are the amazing mum to four amazing young people. They deserve you to feel safe and loved.

Surely the real question isn’t 'Am I expecting too much?' — it’s 'How long can I live like this without losing myself completely?

Please OP, get some advice, do the Freedom Programme and then make some decisions for you and your family.

Take care of yourself OP 💕

This seems like an extraordinary amount of free time - to have spare time to volunteer while you have 4 kids under ten at home and are the primary breadwinner. You say he pulls his weight in the home, could he just be tired?

Maybe I’ve oversold my life, I volunteer once a week at Brownies (my daughters attend the group), go to a book club once a week (one hour). I work 3.5 days- so go for lunch on the 0.5 day.

I am lucky that my career is well paid so we both earn similar amounts.

Yes, maybe he is tired.

Definitely mismatched energy levels, although he used to do a lot more.

Yes, I am super organised but I also wanted to do something for me.

Oh ok I see, you clearly are not happy, if you feel you would be happier alone then it's a no brainer.

Whilst I understand having 4 children is expensive- they are not the reason why the family finances are struggling.

We are able to afford our children and live off our salaries very comfortably but it is silly spending of his which is unaffordable.
e.g Going on a spending spree and spending £1000 on a designer suit that he’d probably only wear once.

If I had 4 children and was also working full time (I assume he is?) I’d be utterly burned out and would just want to chill and nap in what little free time I have as well. I’d find it really annoying if my partner was always trying to force me to do hobbies I have no energy for and talk about feelings. If he goes to the gym it’s not like he does nothing, with that many kids and work it actually sounds plenty.
I only have one child and by the time I’ve done a full day of work, then dinner, bath, bed and all the chatter that comes with that, I feel totally “peopled out” and just want to veg out in front of the TV and not talk. Luckily my DH is the same and we just cuddle up to watch TV together in companionable silence. Maybe you could try that? It sounds like your DH is more of an introvert and needs down time to decompress, whereas you’re more of an extrovert and need to always be talking and doing things. For an introvert who’s feeling burned out this is really stressful and annoying.

Has he always been a poor communicator?

He is definitely an introvert.

He works 4 days but not in the traditional sense- he doesn’t go to the office etc. He works a lot from home- has a lot of time off during the day due to the nature of his work.

I agree that he might be tired but honestly I don’t think it’s that. He has a lot of downtime before the kids come back from nursery/school hence the day time naps.

previously he would at least acknowledge how I felt and we would work through different things. He would try and meet me half way, right now he won’t even try to do that.

he says that’s the way he is and the way he wants to spend his life and I am forcing him to be someone he is not.

But he is forcing you to be someone you are not .... someone with no emotional or social needs.

You think being a child in a home where their parents bearly tolerate each other doesn't cause problems? Kids are smarter than they are given credit for - they will know that something is fundamentally wrong.

The break up will not be nice, but once the dust settles it will be so much better for all of you.

1. You're unhappily married. He won't change.

BUT

2. You have 4 children. He does his share with them. If you leave, you'll either end up doing almost all of the child raising OR they'll be gone 1/2 the time.

It depends what you want the most. It will be hard to get your life wholly back because you'll either be working or looking after the children. BUT you may feel better not having to carry him.

With 1 or 2 children, in your position, I would ask him to leave. With 4, I'd tolerate it and separate when you have less children living at home/to care for.

Life will be hard with 4 DC under 10 if you split. Clearly the sex is ok. I think I’d carve out some interests of my own and stick with it until the children are older, then reassess.

@BrightflowersOk, so he’s an introvert, that explains it. To you it might seem a lot of down time if you’re an extrovert, but to him, he might need more. And you’re getting in the way of that by talking at him and constantly wanting him to do things (I’m not trying to be mean, just explaining how he probably sees it). It’s making him resentful, which is probably why he’s reacting defensively and telling you this is who he is and won’t change. You say you want him to meet you halfway but you aren’t meeting him halfway either, you want him to become an extrovert basically. 4 children is a lot of “peopling” already, and you want him to go out and do even more.
Before blowing up your family, maybe read up on how an introvert’s brain works and try to meet him halfway. Sit with him and watch a Tv programme together, don’t chatter constantly and don’t nag him to go out to things if he doesn’t want to. You can still go out and do your own hobbies and be chatty with your friends. One person can’t meet all your needs.
The money thing does sound like a problem but you can sort that once you start to repair your relationship a bit (if that’s what you want).

No, you don't have to suck it up. If you're unhappy together, go your separate ways. Don't accept just ploughing through a quagmire for the next 50 years or whatever.
Life can be lovely, special and rewarding. You owe it to yourself to at least aim for that. 💐