Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

I think this is part of the problem, over the last 2 years I have done a lot more, I volunteer, I have joined a local book club, I regularly meet up for lunch with my friends etc and he just doesn’t want to do anything like that. Honestly he is happy staying in watching TV every night.

I want him to do more, even if it means being outside the home once a week (football club, volunteer etc) during the evening/weekend. I want him to do more with his life, for us to have things to talk about of for him to find some enjoyment. I don’t think he wants that- and I can’t force him.

Can’t imagine that this is a particularly happy home for the children tbh

Life is short, don’t waste it on someone who you are just putting up with because you both signed a piece of paper.
Do you think you’d be happier on your own, without him in the house and with you being in control of your finances? This shouldn’t be about sex and another man.

Reading this actually made me tear up, it’s a painful realisation.

I am a different person with him, I feel like I can’t relax or be myself anymore.

I am constantly watching what I say, so I don’t upset him. I try not to overtalk because he says I talk too much. I don’t share how I am feeling because he says I overthink and cause issues.

I actually said to him the other day “if you saw me when I’m not with you, I am a different person and I have to change myself when I’m around you”. He replied with “he feels that he has to change who he is with me because he is a calm, chilled person and I am always wanting more from him and I’m expecting too much”.

I just don’t think he likes me as a person anymore.

If your best friend said to you the words in your OP what would you think / advise?

I've been where you are. It's soul destroying and trust me, no matter what happens after you divorce, no matter how hard it might be at the start of the process, you will get something absolutely priceless back - the freedom of being you!

I just don’t think he likes me as a person anymore.

Do you like him?

I don’t think he’s a ‘calm, chilled person’. You make him sound like a lazy, selfish person who is old before their time.

Now, I understand your ‘suck it up’ wording because at the moment you are getting out of the house, doing your own things (quite right too!) and his laziness gives you a built-in babysitter.

But oh, I can just imagine how you feel when you put your key in the door and shrink back to this different person in this lonely small life he wants.

You want the man you married back. He’s gone. Whether that’s depression or naturally what he’s aged into, it doesn’t change that this is who he is now.

And I want to shake him with his passive lack of care - him moving out has come up as a very real prospect and he’s just like ‘whatever’ about it!

Part of me says take it, let him move out, divorce. But he ain’t gonna be having four DC 50/50 in this little flat, is he? It is going to be on you. And you lose the freedom to do those things that being the spark to your life.

I’m sad for you. You’re trying to organise nights out, things to do together, and he’s just not even willing to try and reconnect.

Sometimes, yes.

When we are doing what he wants to do we have a great time, I get glimmers of the man I married and say to myself stop being so hard on him.

I know I’ve made him sound awful in the posts so far but honestly, he is a good person, very kind and giving- most people really like him. I am just starting to feel like we are getting more and more different as the years are going and are struggling to meet in the middle.

He is a great father and our children are lucky to have him.

Why are people so blasé about divorce and broken homes on this app?

If we did separate DH would move out and rent nearby. This conversation has come up- he didn’t seem bothered or upset with the possibility.

This was the nail in the coffin for me. I don’t think you can stay married to someone who doesn’t care if they are married to you anymore, or also doesn’t care if you are happy or not. That’s not even a friendship marriage. It’s complete indifference, which in some ways is worse than being in opposition.

How old is the youngest? Do you have a sex life?

Do you mean OP’s or other posters? OP is actively thinking of divorce and her husband doesn’t care if they divorce or not. What are people supposed to respond?

He is definitely old before his time. I think that’s where we clash, I still want to have fun, live our lives. I don’t want to spend every night in front of the TV.

When we have days off- children a at school/nursery we will go to the gym then he will come home and go to sleep until pick up. There is plenty of time for us to do things together- he just doesn’t want to.

You’re right, him being here does force him to share the parenting load and him being in a flat makes me basically parent on my own. Potentially reducing my time away for hobbies. So much to consider

I’m really sorry to ask but - are you having sex? (You don’t have to answer). It’s just such a major form of communication. I guess I would say that if you are, he may not see that anything else is a problem, and if you aren’t, he may essentially have given up and decided to just live his life.

It seems as if he has decided to stay for the kids. Tbh with 4 under 10 and a good father I would think very long and hard before making any major decisions.

Probably because many of us grew up in homes where the parents stayed together "for the kids" but ended up more traumatized and messed up for it. My parents shouldn't have been together as long as they were, they were absolutely toxic together.

But my mum insisted it was better than a broken home. I have BPD now, we stayed in multiple refuges to get away from my dad, I spent over 10 years self harming and trying to kill myself.

Yes I actually think the broken home option would be better for many families.

You both work. You have 4 Children under 10. You earn more than him but also volunteer, meet friends for lunch, do a book club. You do jobs that pay enough for child care/before after school care for 4 children plus giving you time for your hobbies, life admin, cooking and housework. Even if you have a cleaner, there still must be a lot to do. Work that earns enough for this lifestyle is usually very demanding. You want him to get out more and do more but he is probably just really tired.

He doesn't sound a good person OP. He is criticising you for talking and thinking which are pretty normal things to do. He doesn't want to do anything with you. He doesn't seem to like being around you. You don't share any interests. And when you've talked about him moving out, he doesn't seem bothered. It seems to me that the marriage is ready over and the question is do you acknowledge this or pretend that it's not

I am quite a practical person so I suppose I would be wondering if you split up how on Earth will you afford to have two households. So many single mothers end up in poverty and with 4 children I just cannot see how practically your situation would improve by splitting up.

He is not a good parent though, he is emotionally avoidant and they make relationships feel elusive, your children will feel the same. Thet will feel like something is not quite right that they cannot put a finger on but they will feel his lacking. The thing is they will feel that lacking if you stay or go.

I think caring for four children would be an exhausting task and, especially in winter, I see no inherent problem with him wanting to relax in front of tv in the evenings. As long as he wasn’t stopping me doing what I wanted to do by myself.

the money / debt thing though would be a deal breaker for me.

Yes we do, although not since our lastest conversation.

I don’t want to just leave, I want to try everything possible to make my marriage work but how? he doesn’t want to change anything. Refuses to go to counselling.

Staying for the kids and going through the motions is the easy option

Because a "broken home" is an ambiguous statement. Between my parents keeping an abusive marriage together "for the children" and me and my mum living with grandparents, "broken home" was the former.
Experiencing an example of my parents marriage was quite possibly the very thing which led me to my own dysfunctional relationships. And it took me until the age of 42 to figure out that there is nothing more broken than two people who shouldn't be together living in complete misery.
A father who puts the family in debt and falls asleep on the sofa every night, is not enriching children's life. A mother who walks on eggshells does not have capacity to be the best mother she could be for her kids, no matter how hard she tries. Kids are not blind, they absorb patterns of behaviour to repeat it in adulthood. That's broken to me. And my experience is not unique.

Print this post - and @SoScarletItWas‘s response - and keep them in your handbag.

And read them every day. Until you are ready to do what you want/need to do.

In the meantime, prioritise your own financial interests instead of paying off his debts.

I agree and if I didn’t have children I would have left a long time ago.

Him watching TV isn’t the problem, it’s the feeling that he is not interested in me or anything else. I guess I want to feel like I am in a marriage not that I have a roommate.

A father who puts the family in debt and falls asleep on the sofa every night, is not enriching children's life. A mother who walks on eggshells does not have capacity to be the best mother she could be for her kids, no matter how hard she tries. Kids are not blind, they absorb patterns of behaviour to repeat it in adulthood. That's broken to me. And my experience is not unique.

Add this to the posts to read every day!

This is very sad to read.You are both being different people around each other. Marriage should be about being able to be absolutely yourself with the person who means the most to you. He's miserable, you are miserable. You can parent together but separately. You are tied together forever because you have 4 children . That doesn't damn you to live together in misery forever.