Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

I was in a very similar situation OP.

Tried my best to fix it, did everything on my side that I could. Tried to bring him to the table. I got told that: I am who I am and basically suck if up.

He didn't think I'd pull the trigger but I did. How dare he think that it's acceptable to say that to someone you are meant to love (he didn't).

There's no rose garden at the other end of it but I'm getting to a place of peace. I'd rather be on my own forever then be in a loveless, non communicative marriage.

You are very clear and articulate OP. I wish you well.

Clothes, watches, materialistic things.

I would say at the highest point just over 20k

I am very involved, I sort the mortgage payments, ensure that all bills are paid etc. He was still contributing into the joint account so I thought it was fine. Obviously he was living on credit cards etc

We don’t check eachothers accounts as we both put a large amount in the joint which is more than enough to live off. I saw the statement by chance.

So not even for his family.

I know you’re adamant he’s a fantastic dad but I have to say…. I think you’re on your own thinking that.

It sounds like you have a lot more energy than a typical working mum of 4 under 10 would have. I don't think I'd want to do anything in the evening if I was in your situation either so I can understand your DH not wanting to.
I'd personally stick it out, it sounds like he's addressing the debt, you have the opportunity to still go out with friends, work and volunteer so have a very full life. Your DH might get his spark back when the DC get older.
You say you still have some really good times so it's not like he is literally doing nothing other than watching TV and refusing to talk to you. I'd suggest some couples counselling to him, if he's still not up for working on it you could try therapy yourself to try and unpick this. It could be possible that you're craving excitement and connection that isn't all that realistic for a married couple with young DC . You may also be misinterpreting him needing more time to chill as him not liking you and you feeling you have to shrink yourself.

In that case, leave. I know you said you don't want to separate, but why on earth do you want to stay and continue shrinking until there's nothing of you left? He doesn't care about debt, he doesn't care that you're unhappy, he doesn't care if you leave him (none of those things make him a great dad)...really, if life on your own is financially viable, what do you get by staying? He has told you - and shown you - that he will not change.

I had a couple of thoughts from your posts. Firstly about him - if he’s changed it’s either because there’s a change with him, such as health problems, or he’s been masking and the mask has dropped. One thing I did wonder is why he’s flat in mood but also excessive spending? Can be a sign of issues..not to armchair diagnose but (please see my personal info below before I get jumped on!) ADHD/burnout. Lack of dopamine and stimulation can result in flat mood and spending is a quick dopamine source. Can also be seen in some mental health conditions. The fact that he’s not getting out to interact with people at work, he’s napping a lot and has no energy or
motivation later in the day suggest something is up. XH was a bit like this and he had an underlying health problem affecting his hormones.

I have ADHD and was diagnosed as an adult. I am much better on meds and I have to work with people. I really struggle to WFH.

HOWEVER - whatever the reason for his change, the biggest concern is that he has no motivation to change, that he has tried to manage you to adapt to him, that you are treading on eggshells. Also massive red flag that you’re trying to sort out the finances and rather than acknowledging the problem, he resents you for trying.
That’s not healthy. I ended up in a similar position with XH. Okay he had health problems driving his low mood, but he had no motivation to change. It was miserable. He acted like it was all my fault (and being neurodivergent, I had low self-esteem and thought he was right for a long time). I had individual counselling when he refused to go. It helped to clear my head. I did ask for a divorce in the end. I’ll admit my circumstances are different- only one DC, which made it easier. Financially it was tough for a while. It’s got easier. He found somewhere to rent. I thought he’d be happy in a rental, place of his own, gaming etc. He moved on to someone new within 2 weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just shows it was right for us to split! I thought DD was hidden from most of it, but she’s told me more recently she picked up a lot more than I thought. She’s had counselling through school, which helped. Overall, both of us are far happier. XH? Who knows? He says he’s happy but he still seems like a grumpy sod to me!

I would advise having individual counselling to look at your own wants and needs. Suggest he checks to see if he does have any underlying problems (but he’s likely to
refuse). There’s no rush to split from
him, but you could get your ducks in a row in case you do decide. Could even suggest a trial separation where he rents for say 6 months and then you review? I would worry about him racking up debt while you’re still married..don’t rush into the decision. When I called time on my marriage, it had been a long time coming and I knew there was no going back. 4 years on, I have no regrets about that decision.

Why on earth would you have 4 children with someone with no sense of responsibility or drive?
Being financially incontinent is just the icing on the cake.
He needs to shape up, or you need to move on , someone who is hopeless with money, but won't let you handle it instead is a dead loss really.

10 years from now you'll look back and realise that THIS is the point you should have left him. You only have one life and it sounds like you're settling for a lonely and unhappy relationship.

How can he be a great father? surely being so financially irrsponsible is affecting his children? Also if he is affecting you he is stopping you being the great mother you could be?

He sounds just like my ex husband, including the debt and saying he won’t change.

I left him 20 years ago after 10 years of marriage, with 2 kids. It was hard and horrible to break up.

I am so much happier now. I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 10 years. Kids are grown up and happy. Ex husband has not changed at all. So glad I got out.

Men find their slippers, women find their wings.

Find your wings.

I'd get relationships counselling to be honest. He sounds very closed off and shut down to compromise and change and this just isn't sustainable in a long term relationship. He needs to understand how serious this is, ultimately you are unhappy and if he doesn't compromise or change a bit (as we all have to do in our relationships) then this marriage will end or at least be very miserable.

If he is, as you say, "not bothered" when you have talked about breaking up and him moving out, then I would say ask him to do just that.

You have told him you are unhappy with things the way they are - quite understandably I think. He has responded that that's just the way he is and it appears he has no intention of changing. What is the point of you staying together? You must feel constantly stressed and sad. I think you must seriously consider going it alone, if that is at all feasible practically and financially.

A PP said "I'd rather be on my own forever then be in a loveless, non communicative marriage."

This.

But practically, I would wait until he has reversed his debt. If you divorce now, you split assets and debts roughly 50:50.

If you decide to stay and tough out the awful attitude to you...what can you do to separate your finances ...anything? If not I just couldn't continue to subsidise someone's selfishness...how will you save for university etc..with this partner? Can you find a way to build happiness in...your hobbies etc..

Maybe a trial separation?

He moves out for a while, you both have some space, share the childcare and let him sort himself out and maybe there might even be a eureka moment for him and he will be willing to talk and compromise. If that doesn't work then at least the painful bit is already done and he has moved out, although then it would be permanently.

I don't know if you mentioned the ages of the children, but as long as he is having regular contact then they usually do adapt quite quickly.

One thought though. If he is a great father, then I guess he talks to them, plays with them, engages with them and would help them with any problems they had? If that's a big fat yes then he is making a conscious choice to not be this caring, sharing, communicative husband to you.

What's the saying? Happy wife, happy life? Well you are not. He is not even acknowledging that let alone willing to discuss it - do what's best for you and the rest usually has a way of sorting itself out. And that's not being selfish to the children. We are no longer in the era where women have to stay with their men.

There is nothing worse than being married to someone and yet feeling so alone.

2 and 3 are completely unacceptable, they would bother me far more than 1 and 4, to be honest. If it was a question of 1 and 4, I would actually say you were the unreasonable one if anything, but the financial crap (which amounts to abuse) is awful.

Exactly like why have 4 children with this incompetent man! Baffles me that women continue just popping out babies to men like this.

Hmm. He sounds like more of an introvert - happy to send most of any “free time” staying at home watching the TV or chilling. You are more extroverted and want to spend most free time socialising with others/doing activities outside the home. Providing he is still pulling his weight with the children and household chores, then there is nothing wrong with the way he wants to spend his life imo, anymore than there is in the way you want to spend yours. It’s just different. What seems a very boring lifestyle to some, may be a restful/less stressful one for others.

If it wasn’t for his debts/severe overspending, then I’d say you need to make a decision to split or not based entirely on whether you could be happy having a relationship with someone so different to you now - as it sounds like neither of you want to change your lifestyles to be more like the other.

Would you be happy to stay in a relationship where virtually all your own social life/non family activities are done without your husband? Providing of course, he is still willing to go out to do family activities with the children. Because some people are happy with an almost completely separate social life from their partner, some aren’t.

However his financial mismanagement is a big red flag and only you know how much you can trust him not to make the same mistakes again…

I’d explore marriage counselling and some separate therapy for yourself before throwing the towel in it sounds like it could be salvaged with effort on both parts.
you have 4 very young children it would be life changing and really everything to fight for x

“Continue to keep popping out babies to men like this”

Wow!
Your reading comprehension skills must be low, I have already addressed this.

This is on the trending page as

"Marriage advice - Should I suck"

Made me chuckle

We found a family hobby helpful - bmx racing. All our kids do it and dh got involved as a helper. Really pulled him out of his shell.