Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

You mentioned that he didn’t seem too fussed when you talk about separating. He probably feels, as some people on this thread do, that because of having four children you’re out of options,, and he thinks this talk is pie in the sky.
Making this a reality of this will probably sober him.
I am taking on board the huge positive that you can financially afford to divorce him and so I’d say, do it. Pronto!
If you are unhappy with him and he says he doesn’t want to change any of the things that make you unhappy, you don’t need to live this life. In fact you owe it to yourself to escape this misery.
The act of his getting served the divorce papers may give him the metaphorical kick up the ass he needs to try to make changes but either way, this current situation cannot go on.
Wishing you tonnes of luck. You can do this.

Well that certainly gives you some options.

I quite often read on here about husbands who treat their wives poorly, have emotionally checked out, view wife as housekeepers, financial mismanagement etc and are occasionally nice when things are going well and largely because the wife has put the effort into organising things.

The poster almost always says, after a long list of poor behaviour "But he's an amazing father."

Well no. If he doesn't treat his partner in life and the mother of his children well, if he's just phoning it all in when he can be bothered, and putting in zero effort, mis managing the family funds... then no. He is NOT an amazing father. He's showing them how to be a pretty useless one...although he can be pleasant when he wants to. That is not amazing. That is phoning it in.

You say you have a good job etc... think ahead to when your children have got to 18 and you are heading towards retirement.
How are you going to feel when sharing family finances and he has been mis managing them for decades?
You will be poorer for it.
Your Children will certainly be poorer for it... How much will further education or training cost in the future...what about money to help them set up home, (at a time when its increasingly harder to get on the property ladder and people are finding it hard to afford childcare, get married, or find money for health emergencies.

You sound so much better at organising this. If you took over finance management, you could have paid off more of your mortgage and be secure in your home, paid less in debt interest, maybe made some substantial savings and have your pension on a decent footing.

But he won't let you do that. Are you going to waste your best earning years subsidising his poor decisions and selfish spending? for so little in terms of affection and support in return?
I have to repeat if he behaves like that, he is not a good father, because he is not planning for your children's future and he is not setting a good example to them in how to treat a partner.

Perhaps he should have his four children, to look after should you decide to leave. After all he's a great father isn't it.

Why assume this selfish twat should be able to sod off, with a clear slate and continue being the boring arse hole you have to suffer.
Has he sought financial advise, Step Change, Pay Plan? I worked for a LA so had an insight into debt management.
Or think 30 years down the line with old boring man child, not nice is it? Who cares what your friends think, it's your life so enjoy it.
Interesting that he finds the energy for the gym but not an interest in his wife. Sorry, he's boring me now.

Sorry OP, just spotted your post saying you had decided to separate, after I wrote the above
also read the ones were you mention his practical parenting. That bodes well for co - parenting.

I do think that racking up £20k debt on nothing significant, clothes, watches etc behind your back is almost like cheating on you financially, because its taking that £20k out of family coffers and in one way or another you end up either subsidizing him or you and the children making sacrifices because of his spending either now or further down the line. Further down the line is so much worse because you will have fewer earning years to enable you to redress the situation.

Plus having to minimise yourself in the way you describe is not on. You deserve more. Wishing you all the best.

He sounds very selfish. Doesn’t want to talk to you, wants to take a nap and watch tv. Runs up debts that you sort out but will still buy whatever he wants ? He is emotionally immature and financially irresponsible as a married man with four kids. What is he like with the kids? Is he a hands on dad, does he take an interest in them ?

I'm pleased to hear that a decision has been made - some space is maybe a good thing to let you both have some thinking time away from the emotional stresses of it all - although most of that seems to be lying with you whilst he 'takes a nap' from it all.

I would be a little wary that he will be having the best of both worlds and you will be lumbered with it all and not have much breathing space - especially if he will be around a lot anyway. I cant really see how he will get a taste of what being 'apart' from you all on a permanent basis will be like. To me, it does sound like its all going his way.

Maybe discuss some boundaries for your sake - you need some space and not him popping round whenever, letting himself in, choosing when he helps and when he doesn't. Otherwise, he may as well be living there. But of course, that is something you will need to sort out together and what works for you all.

Whatever happens you will be emotionally all over the place so give yourself some time and let things settle down.

Hoping this fella gets a bit of a reality check and realises what he could lose, before its too late.

Best of luck with the trial separation OP.
Hopefully you won't end up lumbered with the majority of the childcare which is the biggest risk.

He doesn’t sound at all happy either @Brightflowers but like many men - doesn’t want the hassle and inconvenience of actually doing something about it - whether counselling or getting wheels in motion for a divorce.

So you’re not happy. He’s not happy. Kids becoming more aware of how unhappy both parents are. The ball is in your court to make the leap, because despite not being happy himself - he won’t.

Just read.

How did the conversation go? Was it quite calm and civilised?

He’s going to move out?

Great. You get some breathing space.

However, are you not worried about the debt he will be creating in the meantime?

if you got divorced you wouldn’t have to worry about that. Or be responsible for it. What a relief that would be.

I talk as someone who was married to a man who would announce he’d run up £80k of debt and we’d have to remortgage the house. He also evaporated all the money from the sale of a mortgage free house. We should have been very comfortable. Now I live in constant financial anxiety. But at least his debts are now his alone.

What your h is doing is financially abusive.

He has said he doesn’t want to change and this is how he is, without any acknowledgement for you and your feelings. So why do you think you should have to bear the weight of that, shrink yourself and accept it?

that isn’t who you are, Sometimes people are just no longer compatible.

as a divorced single mum of 3, I can honestly say children need their parents to be happy. Both of them. I lost myself for years too - not to a bad man, but to one very similar and now both of us are living the sort of life we want and happier for it.

yes it may be hard but it’s worth it x

You have 4 children under 10. I’m surprised either of you have time to think. Surely you’re both exhausted, run ragged?

I’ve only got one DD, and I already know mine and DP’s relationship likely wouldn’t survive another child. Let alone our freedoms and finances. We love her, but everything is about her needs. You’ve got FOUR you’re putting before each other! I’m in awe of anyone who successfully keeps their relationship alive in thee circumstances, because children are so consuming. Wonderful yes, but they really do come first!

He is a great father

Another one! 🙄

Great fathers don't rack up debts that threaten to impoverish their children.

Curious at to what your husbands spends his money on especially as it seems he doesn’t have hobbies etc.

Op, what if one day, years from now your kids bring a partner like him home, how will to feel? If you daughter ends up like in a marriage like this, how will you feel? He is signalling, day day out what accepted male behaviour is and it’s enormously powerful.
It will impact your kids even though you think you shield them.

There was a post on here last week about a woman whose husband controlled her, he then died and the son now behaves the same way towards her.

you all deserve more.

Admittedly, I chickened out and sent him a long message explaining how I feel.

He basically replied that he feels similar, he isn’t happy either and that he agrees we both need space to sort out how we feel and where to go next.

When he came home we spoke about it briefly but mainly about the children.

I have actually woken up in a different head space today, yesterday I felt super emotional and some of the comments saying I have 4 children so I should make it work felt like something my own mom would say.

She will try and convince me to stick it out, but I am different. I wouldn’t want this for my daughters, even if my daughter had 8 children, I would tell her to leave and find her own feet. I think I need to take my own advice.

You’re right.

I suppose I have always looked at it on a surface level, he does things with them, takes them to clubs, bath time etc etc

but being a good father is more than that.

I love hearing a success story. Honestly, I know I can do it, I know I’d be fine on my own.

I am just grieving the marriage and life I had planned and wanted.

Since I found out about the debt, he hasn’t racked up anymore. However, I have kept a close eye on it, and now it’s nearly paid off.

He now says, he was stupid, regrets the debt etc etc but no, I can’t be certain he won’t do it again.

I agree with this, been with DH over 30 years and at about the 15 year mark I felt a bit like OP. DH very content with an uninteresting life although never bad with money and a devoted father but he was just very unmotivated. I lost a parent quite suddenly and I was so upset that I hadn’t seen them as much as I had wanted to in recent years and I (internally) blamed DHs lack of interest in ever going anywhere. But, I gave myself a talking to and started to give my feelings a higher priority and doing the things I wanted to do with or without him and eventually he started to come along for the ride and we now have far more shared experiences than solo and our relationship has never been stronger. Life with 4 young kids is going to be tough, very tough and whilst OPs DH does sound like a bit of a nob with money he appears to be doing the right thing paying it back. Perhaps the alternative to splitting or sucking up is forging a bit more control and interest with your own life and if he comes along, great, if not then at least you’ve tried. PS I did tell my DH that was my plan so there were no surprises.

This sounds very tricky.

Even if he won’t go to counselling, why don’t you go to help you work through your feelings, and options in a safe space?

It’s So helpful.

I had a husband like this, we had a conversation every six months for three years before I snapped. It was like having two children and I saw how my life was going to turn out and didn’t like what I saw. Get out while you can, I wish you the best of luck.