Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

My ex was like this and I divorced him, I could be in a room with him but still be on my own. We had young kids under 8. and it was hard leaving, but living with him always working but never engaging with me at home was soul destroying. Divorce was the better option, he paid in full for them and saw them regularly but he just wasn't a h in sense.

Another "great father".
Meanwhile, you are wasting your life and feeling sad existing around this burdensome twat.
Sorry.

Of course he wasn’t always like this.

Why do posters always try to out the blame on the woman when the man’s mask slips and his true personality comes out later. Awful.

Op, you sound incredibly articulate and capable of self reflection. Your h is not capable of the same. He sounds so selfish and self indulgent.

He is running up debts that you have to clear. He doesn’t care. Takes no responsibility. He’s not a good father because of this alone. You both should be building together for your retirement and for your dcs. This running up of debts would be enough for me to go for a divorce. His behaviour is far too risky for your future.

What other people think or feel or know about your relationship is irrelevant. They do not live in it and nor do they have to. It’s none of their business. You do for now and it sounds utterly horrific. You don’t have to explain yourself to them or anyone.

It’s like your h lobs in a grenade like the debt and then shrugs and walks away. Leaving you to deal with the aftermath. You can’t live like this. You will go crackers with worry and stress. And then guess what? He will label you as unstable.

He sounds boring. Unreliable. Dull. Selfish. And then the debts. Any one of those should be enough to make you want to run.

You will be so much happier if you dump this waste of space. Your DCs will see you so much happier too. He can’t be great with them either given your description.

This is your life. You matter. Bin him and be happy. At least happier. He treats you with contempt because he thinks he can. I bet he will temporarily try to pull his socks up when you tell him it’s over.

I really hope you find happiness. For you and your dcs.

That could be another 10-15 years

If you have four children under 10 your lives should be full with them never mind you joining all this other stuff

Thank you.

Something has actually changed in me since our latest conversation, I would usually brush it off, carry on and push the feelings to the back of my head but this time I feel like I can’t.

I don’t think he realises how strongly I’m feeling about our marriage.

Develop a life OUTSIDE OF HIM. You don't have to shrink into his small life. He's at home all the time? Great! He can watch the kids while you go to book clubs, out drinking with friends, volunteering, exercise classes, hiking groups. You get the drift. He doesn't want to do life? Do it without him. So many of these grumpy fucking men are just so passive aggressive. Fuck him. Do stuff without him.

What do you mean? What other stuff?

But the issue is his financial mismanagement. If it were just him drooling on the couch from 6pm, that would be sensible advice. Sort of... because I still think nobody should give up a chance of a fulfilling relationship but I appreciate 4 kids need childcare. But the OP can't have a life outside of him because he is placing a financial burden on her.

I don’t think he realises how strongly I’m feeling about our marriage.

I would posit that the husbands of 99% of the women who leave (and who AREN'T having an affair) think this.

Men seem to feel that once the ring is on and you've got children that they're home, safe. It's like they don't look at the media, info about how it's mostly women who initiate divorce.

A 'great father' doesn't put his family's financial security in jeopardy by running up debts and spending on himself.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him

I agree with @DeepRubySwan , OP don't shrink yourself to fit in with his grump. Find things that make YOU happy and sod it if he gets annoyed. Only you can decide when/if the relationship needs to end for you to do that though.

If you are struggling with the idea of leaving him, then focus on your children and the impact of this horrible family environment will be insidiously having on them. Be galvanised by them if not yourself @Brightflowers

It is great you trust him as a father so you won’t need to stress when the children are with him - that’s a real positive.

I know I can do all that on my own, leave him at home and live two different lives at once but I want a life partner not a room mate who I sleep with

Very true. I guess children know even if we think they don’t.

We hardly ever argue in front of the kids, we get on really well and family time is a priority for us so I guess the kids have been very sheltered. I want it to stay like that and not get to the point where we actually dislike being around each other.

No issues concerning him and the children. Thankfully.

You get on well but he doesn’t engage with you?

What on earth did he rack up such enormous debt on, and without you knowing?

So he’s told you loud and clear that this is his way and so you either compromise yourself and accept it or you walk. They’re the only two choices really.

He thinks the real you is too much. Snd you find the real him a dead bore. But I want to point out that he is not a chill, lsid back, nice guy. He’s a controlling, smothering, freak who is interested in nothing and highly challenged by the outside world.

I mean as a family. We get on well in front of the kids. If I need him to go something e.g go get milk he will go. Etc. We both work out so we get on well in terms of that

I think the communication I keep referring to is on a deeper level, a husband a wife level.

I think he’d be happy if we just coasted by for the rest of our lives and I didn’t make a fuss and just went along with how he likes things.

I think I am too much for him, sadly.

I also don’t think he’s laid back but it is interesting how we see ourselves.

And the kids, especially as they mature, will absolutely be aware their parents never laugh together, kiss, cuddle, chat. They will show unhappy their mother is. How disinterested and uncommunicative their father is .

we have

our own bank accounts and one joint so I didn’t realise for months.

It was on crap. He literally has nothing to show for it now except a car.

I don’t think he’s “happy” at all. Neither of you are.

He is unprepared to change the status quo because it will take money an effort to go through a divorce.

Whereas hopefully you have higher standards for yourself and your kids, and you will be prepared to change the status quo.

What is “crap”?

how much debt are we talking here? How involved are you with family finances?

Ah that sounds tough.