Marriage advice - Should I suck it up?

[Brightflowers]

I have been with my DH over 10 years, both early 40s and have 4 DC under 10.

Here are the issues:

1. DH does not communicate well- conversations are minimal unless it’s something he wants to talk about. He says I talk too much
2. He is awful with money- ran up loads of debts that we have spent years trying to sort, yet he doesn’t like it when I try and manage our finances.
3. Very selfish with finances- even though he knows we have debt to pay off he will still buy whatever he wants whilst I scrimp and save
4. Lack of interest in life- he acts like an old man who wants to nap whenever he can, watch tv and barely have a conversation.

Looking in from the outside (without knowing the issues) our relationship looks great but I’m struggling. Yesterday it all came to a blow because I spoke to him about points 1 and 4. He said that’s just him and I have to deal with it. I left the conversation feeling very sad and deflated as I realised this is my life. He isn’t willing to compromise and said, this is what he is like and he is happy with himself. I know it is his life and maybe we just aren’t compatible anymore. He doesn’t do anything outside the house apart from work and go to the gym.

I used to be an outgoing confident person whereas now I feel like I am shrinking so I can become a version of myself that doesn’t annoy him.

He is a great father and does his share and we do occasionally have nice times together but I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I have felt like this for a long time and I know deep down things won’t change. I feel sad and unhappy in this marriage but I also have DC to thinking about.

Our families and friends will be shocked as we are very private about our relationship and as I said things look good from the outside but I think I have learnt to put on a happy face, I know they will tell me to suck it up and that this is marriage but is it? Am I expecting too much?

I would separate, im the same age as you and I would hate to be stuck with someone as you describe. We have 3 children and life is full on but neither of us have to make ourselves fit so that the other person is happier, we’re different to the people who we were 20 years ago in terms of hobbies etc but we still have the same sense of humour and are a team.
If you can afford to I would go it alone, you can be yourself 100% of the time, it must be exhausting shrinking your personality. You won’t be doing it alone as a decent parent he will also want to spend time with the children.
The wasting of up to £20000 on materialistic stuff like watches and suits is unforgivable, that alone would probably have had me getting things in order.
He may be depressed or exhausted but as he won’t discuss what is going on your options are limited.
Better to be moving on in your 40’s and living your best life than looking back in your 70s and regretting the wasted years.

Op I could have written most of your post tbh. Have you asked him if he still loves you and wants to be married? Op you need emotional connection and he’s not giving it. He doesn’t care if he is depriving you of conversation. Op he doesn’t seem to care if you are happy or not it sounds like you annoy him which is similar to me. Sadly I just stopped chatting about my days, my family and feelings and it hurt when he would chat about his day and his colleagues and I was meant to just listen. I would start doing more for yourself and making plans without him he’s in the house so can take of the kids then if this doesn’t work you need to consider separation and doing 50/50 loneliness is bloody hard and I’ve been there. He does make more effort since I asked if he wanted to still be married and we make more effort now conversation is hit & miss but life definitely improved since the chat do you still want to be married.

@Brightflowers my parents didn’t go out a lot, even when they were younger. But they were fully engaged with each other, talking and watching TV and conversing. They adored each other. You honestly might as well be on your own than with him with things as they are - it’s no life at all and no
example for the kids. You are young enough to be happy alone/with kids, or to find your soul-mate.

*for 50% of the time.

If they split up he needs to step up and parent when he's got them.

Do you think he's just a bit knackered with work and four kids? It's a lot. Could you stick it out and see for a bit. But maybe keep your money separate and agree on spending money for each of you?

Sound like you've grown apart and he's checked out from his relationship with you.
Marriage counselling or separation.

Bright flowers
He's no interest in you
And has admitted he's happy
With things the way that they are =
Totally to his advantage with
Nothing to you.
So what do you think you should do
In this scenario?

No 2 & 3 are huge issues.

He is not a great dad, because he’s a shit partner to you, their mum. So actually I think he’s a crappy parent!!!

You life would be SOOOO much better without him.

leave.

youll be better off financially and emotionally.

one day in the future you’ll meet some one so much better.

or you’ll be happy without 100kg of dead skin

either is better than what you’re enduring now

I actually think this is what you need to seriously consider doing.
You're not happy and he's running you both into the ground financially.
Because you're on the hook for it as long as you're married ... hence you scrimping like mad and going without while watching him continue to be incredibly selfish financially and do what he likes. All while you're miserable because he can't be arsed to do anything YOU like, only himself.

He says it's the way he is and he's happy with it. What about your happiness, isn't that important to him? If not you know the answer. In the end you deserve to be as happy as he obviously is, the only way that's happening is if you leave him. I would

Men’s testosterone drops significantly when they’re 40 which has probably contributed to his lack of interest in things and lazing around. Encourage him to go to the doctors and ask for it to be tested and the can put him on TRT. Read up on it. It should help and then see where yous go from there. It would be a shame to walk away from a long marriage with 4 kids.

I will do mention it. Whether he goes to the doctors or not is another matter

I wouldn't put up with that at all. He's financially abusing you, emotionally abusing you and telling you to suck it up.

You however have got yourself ibti a muddle because you have so many children, but that should not stop you from telling him to F himself.

Your decision, but you'll be old before you know it and will think you had to stay because of the kids when you didn't. This might mean you resent your kids versus holding this AH responsible.

Thank you all for the advice.

I spoke to DH not long ago and we’ve decided that for now we both need some space. He is going to move into a flat that his DBs owns for a while and then we will re-evaluate the situation in a few weeks/months.

Right now it feels too overwhelming to make any definite decisions and my head is all over the place, even though it’s hard it feels like the right choice for now.

I think I would describe your marriage as suffering from passenger syndrome. Over time your marriage has defaulted to you taking on the worry and responsibility and him defaulting to a grumpy old man whilst in reality you are doing the work. How is it he gets to generate debts and you get to worry about them and sort them out, whilst he carries on spending? My marriage has with hindsight been very similar. Over many years DH stopped doing stuff and slowly but surely everything defaulted to me. He has now gone down with dementia and I am the carer. If I could wind the clock back some years I should have left when I could see that after a number of years he would never be changing. My upbringing meant I did not want to give up on a marriage and I tried and tried again. I kept on going. He of course just carried on without making even the smallest changes in behaviour. Think carefully, save the marriage if it is saveable, but do not give too many chances. I wish I had left.

He might be a great father @Brightflowers, but he’s not a great husband if you’re now a shell of yourself for fear of irritating him.

Your marriage has run its course. You have one life to live.. are you going to spend it living like this?

I agree. However, OP, if he is a fantastic dad, as you say, and you divorce then surely he will be picking up 50% of the child care which would give you a lot more free time.

Edited as I’ve just seen your update. I hope things work out with you both.

Hey op I’m glad he’s giving you space I hope the kids aren’t too affected by it all.

Great father?

Oh no.

I know it's hard but you can't change him. Some things you just have to accept. Do you think if you leave him you will find a life partner to do all those things with when you have four children under ten years old? How old is the youngest and how many are under 5?

Young children are a huge strain on any marriage.

You can either stay and have your own life, leave him to his old man misery or leave him but then you are a single mother with four children and divided finances. Your choice is hard but it comes down to the fact that he isn't likely to change.

There's a great book called Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft available free as a pdf if you google it

You mention he was made redundant - perhaps he is depressed?
Also, you have a good job - do you earn a lot more than him now?
That could also add to him feeling down.

Perhaps he is, but he refuses to acknowledge that this may even be a possibility.

We earn about the same as I only work 3.5 days a week.

We are both high earners. If we weren’t paying off his debt, financially we would have no issues.

Yes, as fair as possible however the flat isn’t set up for the children so he will have to come here to see them for now. I’m not sure how that will work but we will see.

He will continue to do school runs/make dinner, take the children out etc

I see you’re separating for a while. Make sure you don’t get lumbered with all the childcare, and that he doesn’t just pop over after his naps and gym are done.

Honestly, I think you both need to think about your marriage more and deeply before making this life-changing decision. Separating could be good for this. There’s enough there to warrant divorce, but that’s not something I think you should just fall into because meh. You have four DC under 10, it’s crazy to me that you have time for all this. It could well be that this period of small children under foot is crippling. It won’t always be this way. Or it could be. Basically to me it sounds like you both need to think some more. Divorce can have a terrible impact on children.