The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Dsis viewing this as marriage ending territory so quickly suggests she already had the measure of him to some degree. I don't think most people would go from neutral to divorce in the space of one evening.

And I think that's telling, that the other women in the family clearly were already well aware he's a piss taker.

So 2 adults have a child and seperate. The little girls time with you is supposed to be to actually spend time with her Dad. You sound like a lovely step mum but he needs to accept the reason she is actually there. She is his responsibility, if you choose to share that with him thats up to you but you shouldn’t be the main caregiver when she’s with you.. it’s not fair on her or you.

He said that DSD stepdad “does nothing” with her, and he didn’t want that for DSD.

And yet he as her actual father does nothing with her…

More manipulation from him (the use of "we") and trying to gaslight your expectations of parenting and step-parenting, all the while criticising others and not an iota of self-reflection on his disgusting lack of care for his DD's welfare.

The tiny morsel of him appreciating what you do for DSD and yet 100% no change for him.

He will always be number one.

For one week I’d quietly note down the time DP actually spends with his daughter caring for her vs the time she spends at your house (also the time her has her with him but doing his stuff eg taking her to the gym with him).

It’s hard to ignore facts written down in front of you. It might help the penny drop for him 🤞 How dare he complain her step dad does nothing with her!

You could also go out 2 nights/week for the next month. Find somewhere to go and sit reading some good books for the evening or something. You shouldn’t have to leave your home but it’d be a quick way to see how he responds and if he steps up for dsd or not. Rather than have him continuing to argue he needs to train and not actually solving the situation….

You 100% know what the score is then and he has no come back. He’s either serious about his family or not.

What a horrible selfish man he is … agree with sister . It’s marriage ending territory. Don’t waste the prime of your life on him . However much you love DSD you need to put your own needs first. LTB.

Very good point!

At first he said that “we” are parents and this is expected. He also asked what I thought would happen when we had a baby.

Well, in case you had any doubt about it, here he is actually confirming himself that if you have a baby he will expect you to do absolutely everything. So don't believe his protestations that he will change.

Your DP sounds just as shit a parent as this poor child’s mum does to be honest.

He’s deflecting majorly and focusing on what you should be doing so that the fact he actually does fuck all for his daughter isn’t talked about.

You are 100% correct that he gets his “break” from parenting whilst his daughter is at her mums so when she is at your house he should be giving his all and sacrificing his free time.

Its lovely that you want to play an active role in her life but she is not your child or responsibility and there’s absolutely no way you should be the one basically raising her and giving up all of your free time whilst he runs around like a fucking teenager doing what he wants.

If this is the way he’s treating you with a child that isn’t yours imagine how entitled he’d be if it was a child you had with him.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner?

Take responsibility for his child?

Controversial opinion, but I’m not a fan of the term ‘step-parent’, especially where a child has both their parents. It suggests they have some responsibility for the child, when only their parents do.

Parents usually have relatives, partners, friends, neighbours who love their children, enjoy being with them and help them out with childcare. But they’re not responsible for them. Only the parents are.

I said yesterday, that any conversations with the husband would be futile and I was right. He will be full of lies, broke promises, gaslight you, he’s already manipulated you into guilt that the kid is YOUR PROBLEM.

Having a kid with him? Is he having a laff?

look at the scumbag attitudes of the whole family: mother drops her own kid off at 6am so she can fuck other men. Grandmother wants nothing to do with the grandkid so she can watch TV & get her nails done. Husband thinks he can take 5 year old kid to gym who sits there for 3 hours every night bored shitless. I wonder what happens when equipment falls on her head. Or the gym owner says no kids allowed. Maybe the dad will just leave the 5 year old at home watching TV all day long, getting her own meals and getting in the bath. Then the kid will be dumped disabled in social services. Also, why has the stepdad got to do any parenting? Stepdad thinks sod that! Looking after someone else’s brat. He’s down the pub.

why are you honestly surprised by any of your husband’s attitude?! There must have been red flags he was a narcissist & utterly selfish & didn’t give a fuck about anyone except himself, a user, manipulator. His attitude doesn’t come from nowhere.

You must be contacting divorce lawyers.

do not believe his words saying he will improve, “let you go out one evening a month” or any other baloney.

you need to be exiting fast and gathering together all your belongings and starting over with someone new.

good luck.

I was in your shoes 20 plus years ago. I loved my ex partner’s ds who was about 2 when we met. I loved doing things with him and definitely did more and things with him than his Dad. When I look back (and we spilt up when his ds was 10), I was a mug and was used for childcare. I’m still in touch with his ds now… as me and my ex had a child together. What I’m trying to say to you is don’t be me!

Well done op. It sounds like you are standing up for yourselves. Keep this thread going if our support is helping you!

Having read your update I agree with the replies. My addition would be to say if you decide to return for the 'conversation' make sure you remain strong when describing your feelings and expectations going forward. I would also take this opportunity to announce if he doesn't change his ways you will have no alternative other than to end the marriage despite loving your DSD. If his feelings for you amount to more than being the primary carer for his child & doing so with very little support then he will compromise to accommodate your needs. If he refuses to compromise then sadly you have your answer. It is at this point social services should become involved with both parents to ensure they prioritise their child above all else. You would have done your best. I still hope it all works out for you. If not then you deserve better and should have no guilt whatsoever.

Who is making sure this little girl is safe? She's farmed out to neighbours, family or anyone else who will allow the parents to dodge their responsibilities and now she's being taken to a gym. Predators will spot how neglected and vulnerable she is but her parents don't seem to care as long as they can do what they want.

OP you seem to be an intelligent and compassionate person.
You are righteous in everything you say.

I hope your dh has the capacity to listen and understand. As it is you're very convenient for him, accommodating the interests and lifestyle that serve him to your detriment. Of course he would like this to continue.
People say a lot of brave words online but I really do mean it when I say I would never accept the position you are in. Good luck with this one. X

The bottom line for me is that it seems to be ingrained in him that parenting is women’s work. I think even if he said what he knows you want to hear, he wouldn’t actually believe it. So it would be ok for a month, whilst he keeps you happy, but the default of it being your job would creep back in.

He’s actually making me angry on your behalf!
That poor little girl. Being pulled out of bed super early because her mother wants a weekend away and then being dragged to the gym because her father can’t be arsed to parent. Poor child.
I’m glad you’re standing your ground with him though. Even without the DSD situation, him being at the gym all the time and doing his own thing at the weekend would be enough for me to end things.
Serious question but what exactly does he bring to your life?

The gym allows people to take FIVE year olds into the actual gym? REALLY?

Because no gym I've ever belonged to allowed under 14s in the gym.

You sound absolutely lovely and he sounds like a massive piss taker who has realised the days are numbered on his free ride. You have become the default parent for a child they isn’t even yours!! I would be extremely wary of continuing this relationship - he just views you as a means to facilitate his social life / gym sessions. I’m sure even if you did separate and wanted to see your DSD every now and again that both parents would be happy with that: they seem keen to offload her at any opportunity… Don’t be persuaded that you’re doing “your fair share”. You’re not. You are so far above and beyond that it’s a joke.

That’s awful. But it’s not your fault. Your partner seems to give no crap about it and so it wouldn’t be any different if you had a kid with him. He’s shown you exactly how he would be as a parent!

He’s taken her to the gym? Are you serious?

Amen

This, plus telling OP she can’t opt out when he clearly is!

This is not a man to have further children with when he doesn’t prioritise the one he already has and neither does he prioritise your wellbeing. Why the fuck is he eating his dinner in bed disturbing you at 11pm? Can you imagine that with a baby on board?
your DSis is right. This is marriage ending and his taking his DD to the gym today has shown that even when pushed to prioritise her, he hasn’t. Selfish cunt

So he's expecting to go out every night and most of the weekend when "you" have kids then?

There's none so blind as those that cannot see.

He can't even see the issue, can he?