The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

OP, I'm so sorry - it sounds like the child isn't being prioritised by either of her parents.

You sound brilliant. Don't slide into the sunk costs fallacy. He could solve this, but is choosing not to.

Also - you must be shattered. Your job sounds demanding, then full-on sole-parenting at home.

It is marriage ending territory. Sounds like you want at least the possibility of your own children - and you aren’t going to get that with this guy.

Ironic that he slates step dad for doing nothing with her when he’s barely around himself.

A 5.5 year old at the gym? I hope there’s a crèche or something, that doesn’t sound safe.

What a knob!! Surely the whole point of her being at yours is to spend time with her dad?

My ultimatum would be that he is 100% responsible for DSD every weeknight she is with you, so absolutely no gym or any other commitments. And for at least one full day every weekend also with no gym and no commitments. The other weekend day I would be willing to regularly look after her for a few hours, but with the strict proviso that if I had plans they take priority over his.

Wow, I feel so sorry for this little girl. Out of two parents and two step parents you seem to be the only one who cares much about her. The cheek of your DH saying her step father doesn't do much with her! He barely does anything himself by the sound of it.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP. This man seems deeply misogynistic and I doubt he'll change. I'd be seriously considering my marriage in your situation. Actually, it doesn't sound as though you have much of a relationship with him yourself, as he's never there.

Focus on the kind of man he is as revealed through his words and actions:

He puts you secondary to him
Hiis daughter is not a priority for him
He is a manipulator - he tried to manipulate you into believing you were the unreasonable one
His priority is himself
His time in the gym is a massive red flag - who is the attraction there?
He treats you like shit, waking you up once you are in bed - you do not matter to him

It looks like toxic masculinity - dominance of the females who are disregarded and treated as secondary. You have now become a huge problem to him by challenging his entitlement, hence his highly manipulative response.

Ultimately though, his poor little girl, shunned and unloved by him. This is who he is. I'm sorry 💐

That poor little girl, being basically passed around by her parents like that. She’s lucky she’s had you all this time but it’s still not up to you to be doing this.

What you should have told your DP when he asked how things would be if you had a baby: “I think what would happen is that I would be left with the bulk of the parenting, with you disappearing at bedtime (which can be one of the hardest part of having babies / young children) and during the weekend, so that I would essentially be a single parent with no break. Your children are clearly not something you would prioritise, nor my wellbeing as your partner.”

I agree with your sister too. I'd be asking him what he thought would happen when HE had a baby and did he not think he'd have to actually parent? But he clearly just doesn't get it and I doubt ever will. I feel for your DSD, she has two rubbish parents (taking her to his gym session - what??) but it's not on you to solve. It seems, sadly, that in marrying you he was definitely looking for someone to step in and take over parenting for him, I'd be out on that basis too.

That poor little girl. How absolutely shit for her.

Not at all criticising you OP, I can absolutely see how you've ended up here trying to make up for how he is, and it's just led to him dropping the rope more because he knows you'll pick it up for DSDs sake.

Is it even safe (at allowed?!) for her to be at the gym? The fact he couldn't even step outside of his own wants for one fucking day and put his DD first would make me lose whatever respect I might have still had for him.

He could have chosen anything to do today with her. And he chose the gym. What an absolute wanker.

Now she’s being dragged to the gym with her dad for his session. Unbelievable, you’d think he’d just not go for a day.

This is just appalling. And @seasonofthebitch it tells you everything you need to know.

The poor girl. Up at the crack of dawn to be dropped off. What she needs is to snuggle back in bed for a while, or on the couch with her Dad. Not to be dragged out to the gym.

He is utterly selfish. Not only in relation to you, but his DD too. He is showing you who he is. Pay attention.

I think it’s relationship ending. The only way forward is for him to actually start parenting his DD, the work involved in that might help him face reality. You being apart might do that. Of course he might simply dump on his DM, or get a replacement for you. Either way you’ll have an answer.

His behaviour won’t only damage/end your relationship but that with his DD too. That’s on him, not you so don’t let guilt over her force you back. He’ll get worse then , not better and the end result in terms of both relationships will be the same. It’s hard when you love her, but you can’t make him a decent Dad by staying so best face up to that.

Oh FFS, 6am drop off? Presumably because your husband wouldn't stay at home to spend the evening with her yesterday and the in house babysitter wasn't there.

You are married to an absolutely selfish cunt and your step daughter has fucking useless parents. I feel sorry for the little girl but unless you want to adopt her you cannot fix the shit parents she has. I would walk away from this shit show now.

He will probably apologise, tow the line for a while, get you pregnant and then fall back into the expectation of you looking after the children but you will now be trapped with a baby.

This is what upsets me the most. She’s had so much instability in her life. Parents split at the beginning of the pregnancy so from the day she was born she was 50% with mum, 50% with DP. Her mum has had two live in partners in the time I’ve been on the scene. She is regularly left with the neighbour next day at her mums (dsd tells me “I’ve been at auntie next doors last night”). Not criticising her mum but it’s not how I would have done it.

DP regularly let his own mum look after DSD, so much so that when she was younger she’d cry when she knew she was sleeping at daddy’s and not grandmas. If she gets dropped off here and I answer the door she automatically says “is daddy at the gym?” 😭

So I made a rod for my own back really, I told DP that DSD shouldn’t be left with neighbours and that if she couldn’t do childcare she was to drop her here. Which obviously she did. She drops her here if she’d had an argument with her partner!

It makes me so so sad for DSD. I worry how she’ll view this and what’s going on emotionally for her that she doesn’t even understand yet.

OP, you have an awful lot going for you. As a medic you have a great job, you must be really intelligent (medics are in top 10%), you earn good money, the care you have shown DSD says a lot. Your DH looks like something very different compared to you. He’s a drain on you…and that is a diplomatic way of saying what I am really thinking.

My dh goes to gym a lot, too much if you ask me but he goes late at night she he still does his around for fsmily time. He would not expect me to do all the childcare and I am their mum not step mum.

At absolute most he could expect you to do 50% of the time at your house, and even that should not be expected. Sounds like you do it all. He has claimed all opportunities to leave the house and doesnt seem to spend time with you or his dd.

How can he say its our family and expected when he isnt doing it!! He is taking the piss.

@seasonofthebitchwow, that is very messy. She really has been lucky to have you. You’re in a difficult situation for sure. I hope your DP can accept what he’s doing wrong for his daughter’s sake but realistically speaking, it’s unlikely.

It makes me so so sad for DSD. I worry how she’ll view this and what’s going on emotionally for her that she doesn’t even understand yet.

Your love and care for her really shine through all your posts. But you honestly don’t have to give up on your life to save her. That’s not a reasonable expectation for anyone. It’s telling he’s already had two live in partners come and go, maybe having you also drop the rope plus his mother also stepping back will make him wake up and realise she is his responsibility not the next woman’s. But even if not it’s not your responsibility and you should not feel guilty stepping back or out completely.

Poor daughter, this is so sad.

If you see yourself having children in the future, you know now that you’d be operating as a lone parent to them for most of the time. Again I’d say he won’t change anywhere near enough to be a decent person so you may as well cut your losses now, accept the pain that will come with that but know you’re doing it for a better future for yourself whatever that looks like.

You are a lovely lovely person.
You deserve someone just as lovely

I cant help think about this little girl who is past pillar to post with parents who find her an inconvenience.

Obviously you love and care about her, it must be on your mind what happens to her and how she feels if you leave 😭
Yes everyone is right she isnt "your responsibility" but you have a bond...poor little thing 💔

Guessing the amount of time he claims to be parenting also reduces his child support liability? All the while getting free childcare and zero impact on his social life?

what a prince…..

The fact he is just dismissing what you are saying and trying to twist it around by saying how appreciative he is and how it's your job ignoring the fact he is her father, just to then make his daughter go to the gym once again with him after the fact of her being dropped off so early really says it all doesn't it.
Trust me he won't change. He might do for a few weeks but seeing as he can see how he is being without you even talking about it and still carried on, this is what he thinks you should be doing.

He can go to the gym at 7 instead of 6.30, just for starters.

You need to start making arrangements to do something on the weekend and tell him he will need to maje arrangements for his daughter's care.

“This is our family; you can’t just opt out.”
And yet, that’s exactly what both he and his ex are doing, leaving you to pick up the slack.