The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

what an incredibly sad update @seasonofthebitch

At least it confirms that if you were to have a child with this man you would in effect be a single parent as this man does bugger all to care for his current child.

Get out whilst you still can as he only wants a nanny, a cleaner and someone to contribute towards household expenses. Time to put your needs first. Have stern words with you STBXH to put his daughter first before the gym and before it’s too late

OP, if you do choose to end it, you can be clear with yourself: it's not the childcare per se (... you said it would be justifiable if you were looking for your own child), it's the fact he is neglecting his child, and exploiting you.

If he doesn't change, this is a guide to his future behaviour.

If you did have a child together and you split up then, would you be confident that he would care for that child during 'his' weekends?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So his gym “work” he’s claiming is a business he earns no money from. Ever.

What an arrogant prick. It’s not a business. It’s him and his hobby which he uploads to social media for “likes” then is trying to act a big man claiming it’s work, or a business like he’s some kind of Lord Sugar millionaire businessman, so he sounds more important than he is, because saying he’s unemployed to Lycra clad 20-year olds he’s letching over, they would tell him to fuck off.

no love, his gym excuse is to prance around making himself look good for other women & get compliments, whilst making out he’s got loads of money and is successful.

Jobs have payslips. Job specs.

Also, look at his gaslighting “he’s tired” - LOL!!! Bet he’s not tired when he’s lifting 300kgs weights for 3 hours every night. He’s bursting with energy then.

Oh, and lastly, I look forward to seeing him in the Olympics soon, as he’s doing more training at the gym and running club than professional Olympic athletes.

Call the lawyers.

OP, they are both absolute scum as parents.
His mother knows it.

You really need to think about why you would have ever thought this was ever a situation to be involved with?

This is how low-life's, how the absolute dregs of society drag up poor innocent children.

You seriously married down, and the most pressing question is why as a kind, educated, professional woman, you would do that?

This loser is not a father, his own mother knows that.

You absolutely cannot ever dream of inflicting him on another child.

I feel desperately sad for that child but also for you, that you ever got involved here.

You deserve so much better.
In your case I wouldn't be wasting any more time with him and would be extracting myself from this marriage asap.

I haven’t seen anything in your conversations since this first kicked off to say he has any intention at all of changing.
All he seems to care about is getting you back to complying so he can carry on his life unencumbered

Id have lost any respect I had for him by now. He’s shown you what sort of a man he is and what sort of a father. You deserve so much better than this, as do any children you may choose to have in the future

Even if this man does change I don't think I would trust him.
It won't be a change for good it will be part of a strategy to get you to trust him and drop your guard, and when you do he will look for ways to get you locked in so that it's harder for you to leave.

You seriously married down, and the most pressing question is why as a kind, educated, professional woman, you would do that?This loser is not a father, his own mother knows that.You absolutely cannot ever dream of inflicting him on another child.

I agree with every word! I'd be contacting a good lawyer on Monday morning.

Be warned though, he's not going to let you go easily! Where else is he going to find another woman on a doctor salary prepared to completely sacrifice their social life in order to allow his gym hobby to prosper!

I hope OP keeps us updated purely because it would be good to learn about a positive outcome for all concerned regardless of the route taken.

As a final note from me I was remembering a situation with a former friend who was engaged to a guy who loved the gym. She admired his dedication to fitness & the fact he wasn't one for drinking with mates etc. That is until she realised if he went days without the gym he became grumpy & agitated. It dawned on her he was addicted to the adrenaline rush from a hard workout & eventually he couldn't cope without it while often appearing depressed if he went too long without his fix. This is a big possibility with OPs DH although it still doesn't excuse his general behaviour. My former friend did marry her gym guy after aggreing on a compromise. He bought a bike & went early morning cycling for an hour to make up for less time at the gym. I've heard they are still together & happy.

He sounds utterly selfish and deluded. Poor little girl, she really does have absolute shits for parents.

Well done for setting your boundaries. Stick to them. I wonder whether family therapy would help him?

I wonder whether family therapy would help him?

Highly doubtful. This repulsive man doesn’t seem to have noticed he’s actually PART of a family so far

Oh wow OP, he’s a dick. If SD was your DC he’d be a dick, the step thing is a red herring. He’s out most nights of the week expecting you to stay in- that’s just not cricket.

This is poor parenting from her father and mother.

It amazes me that he is so selfish that he can’t see the imbalance between what you do.

Would it help if you literally wrote out how you currently split the tasks between you? He can’t argue with the long list you do and the fuck all he does.

It feels so manipulative to bring up your future children - he is trying to push an emotional guilt onto you for not treating her the same as hypothetical future children, while ignoring the fact he is opting out of parenting his existing child.

What really strikes me from your description is how little he understands the long term impact of not spending time with his own daughter. From a child development POV he is depriving her of quality time with a parent. Forget going to the gym - he wouldn’t treat himself so shoddily, but happy to treat his own daughter that way.

A compromise would be splitting your evenings equally; but I feel like this has revealed something lacking in your husband. You and he have very different ideas about what a stepmother should be expected to do.

"Dont be surprised if a conversation of splitting up happens and DP tries to guilt trip you into ‘you won’t see DSD anymore’. "
Might be getting ahead of the problem here, but I'm pretty sure DSD's mother would be delighted for you to continue seeing DSD (if that is what you want) in 'her' time.

The fact that that would undoubtedly piss your husband off would be a bonus.

Op can I suggest, print out Februarys month, blank give it to him and ask him in fill in his and x duties for little one, you think about how much time to give but only add this after he has done his and x bit,
Only agree to spending nice time with her , say talking to the park or few hours shopping to treat her, cinema,

Am sure his and x will be almost empty, you need to fill your time with , sister for coffee, shopping, lunch with friends and so on op, let him see it in black and white, you get to choose when you have time that is to spend quality time with little one, not her nurses maid,
He needs to see your out of work time having plans, and these plans could be hour or two, just doing your thing, popping in to a friend or family member after work ,

You’ve made a mistake staying with this loser and should get out asap, even if you don’t want DC. If you do, don’t waste another minute on him.

The fact that that would undoubtedly piss your husband off would be a bonus.

I doubt it. He'd just arrange for the Op to see the daughter on one of his days. Between 6-9pm probably 😂

Realistically he is likely to end your contact with DC post breakup, to her detriment.

I think the issue is, he thinks you are 'there anyway' so you haven't got to do anything different.

You could start going out in the evenings to prove your point but if I was you, I wouldn't necessarily want to leave my house. I like being at home.

The problem is, it's the principle of it-parenting is not your responsibility and he has just assumed you'll be there so he doesn't have to be. I don't think you are going to 'win' here, as he doesn't want to do and thinks you should want to!

If you replaced the hours he is in the gym with 'in the pub' might this help you focus your mind? The idea that he is doing something healthy and trying to build a 'brand' might be distorting your thinking. It doesn't matter what he's doing when he's not there- he's just not being a parent. So if he came home and then spend 3 hours in the pub every night , how would you feel then?

Which is why I pointed out "I'm pretty sure DSD's mother would be delighted for you to continue seeing DSD (if that is what you want) in 'her' time." The mum regularly unloads DSD onto OP. She'll want to still be able to do that. I suspect any interest OP showed would be gratefully grabbed with both hands by the mother.

No that OP should feel she has too. It might even be best for her not to. It's completely up to OP, and something she might have to ponder a while whether that would be right for her. This is a whole new territory she's entered, it would be sensible for her to pick her way through the foothills cautiously, not committing to any action she's not 100% comfortable with.

I agree, he will need to use his daughter as bait in order to trap another woman.
He will spin her a story about the cruel stepmother that left them both heartbroken, his next victim will want to rescue them and will be determined to be the perfect stepmother.

Dsis viewing this as marriage ending territory so quickly suggests she already had the measure of him to some degree. I don't think most people would go from neutral to divorce in the space of one evening.

We did!

What a shit. You and her deserve so so much better.

Hes totally manipulating you!

Omg op they are both selfish parents they really don’t deserve her tbh. When you get home you should tell him if he’s not willing to put his dd first before the gym and other stuff you definitely don’t want kids with him. Tell him you pity his dd be honest with him tell him you and her mother are the shittiest parents neither of you can put her first. She sounds lovely and her adult life will be damaged by the parents choices. Op maybe remind him his biological daughter needs at least one decent parent and if he can’t step you need to move on as you love her but it hurts you so much watching her being unloved by her own flesh and blood. When he says of course we love her say show it then because you’re certainly not showing her. He needs a kick up the arse

@VickyEadieofThigh her partner works at or owns the gym as far as I can tell.