The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Sulk. Complaints of “tiredness” blah blah blah…

Have you pointed out that if he spent less time in the gym he'd be less tired?

If I remember correctly, I think it's his own gym business

Adding that when you divorce (which seems inevitable unless he has a huge epiphany), would be good to find ways to stay in this little girl’s life.

Sounds like her parents don’t put her needs first in the way you instinctively and lovingly do. And it’d be a terrible and confusing loss to her if you lost contact.

While she’s so young, you may have to keep it to letting her know you remember her at birthdays and Xmas or occasionally taking her out, if her parents agree. But in a few years, she’ll likely have a phone and may really value your support.

He said he needs to continue his training “job”, and we need to work around that.

Tell him he can pay for child care out of the non-existent income from the training "job".

It's extraordinary, really, that both this child's parents are happy for her to grow up with the memory of them constantly being desperate to fob her off onto someone else. Childen never forget these things. Ask your husband if that is really what he wants.

Exactly what I was going to say!

I think your DSis has seen your DH faults quite clearly and for a lot longer than you @seasonofthebitch and she's right, this sort of problem does end marriages. Either you'll leave him or he'll go when he sees his free childcare has gone for good.
I'm sorry for your DSD but you've spent years weighed down by responsability that wasn't ever yours. Poor kid, two entitled parents who need a kick up the arse

I would encourage your H to pay for and meet a child centred therapist so he understands the emotional harm (and potentially physical, such as not getting enough sleep) that DSD is likely to be receiving.

He has to have someone wake him up to his poor parenting. It's desperately sad that the little girl has such poor stability.

Sister has been supportive she also thinks it’s marriage ending territory.

Your sister is right.

Also do you know why the relationship didn’t last with the Mother after she got pregnant? Was it because your partner could not commit? He might have told you the reason but it it may not be the truth. Been there. There are always 2 sides to every story

I feel so sorry for that little girl, she is 5 years old and so far has spent her whole life being chucked from nanny’s, to mummy’s , to daddy’s, to the neighbours! Why does your husband think this is ok? At least he is showing you now what he would be like if you decide to have children together. He is selfish. I could maybe understand an hour in the gym 3 times a week, but he is taking the piss, also as well as not spending time with his daughter, he also isn’t spending time with his wife, how long will you put up with that? I agree with your sister, I would be rethinking this marriage.

Yes agree

Oh goodness. What a miserable life. How does he make time for you or as a couple? So many red flags. I’d be getting out pdq. You are his wife not a nanny. He needs to grow up and take care of his responsibilities and stop being so selfish

I agree with everyone else about the childcare. It is not your responsibility and he is taking advantage of you and your love for DSD.

However, setting that aside for a second. How is this even a marriage? He clearly priorities the gym over everything else. Unless he is a professional athlete, no one needs to go to the gym that often and for that long. In fact, he isn't giving himself any recovery time so could be doing more harm than good. Is he seriously working for 3 hours every night or is he having a sauna/jacuzzi and sitting at the smoothie bar.

And his networking excuse is a load of rubbish. He will be seeing the same people over and over so where is the line between networking and hanging out with mates.

When I first read your post I thought how lucky your little stepdaughter is.

Im sure if your relationship was dead in the water and partner can’t sort out his selfish ways it most certainly wouldn’t be the end of the relationship between yourself and DSD. But this would more likely be on your terms of once a week etc and would provide stability for her knowing she was going to see her lovely step mummy.

Dont be surprised if a conversation of splitting up happens and DP tries to guilt trip you into ‘you won’t see DSD anymore’. His selfish behaviour will still prevail.

Fingers crossed you get sorted.

I hope you realise that all us outsiders can see that this is a hopeless situation. He is totally selfish and disinterested in you or his child. If you escape now, you have a chance of happiness with someone else who may actually care for your well-being and any child you may have together. You need to think about yourself now as it's clear that is all he does. Do not feel guilty about the child; she is her parents' responsibility. Go now before it is too late; do not believe in the promises he spins about how he will change. You will wake up in 5 or 10 years and realise too late what a mistake you have made.

I also wonder how much longer he is going to be able to put her to bed at 6.30 as that is quite early for her age. Does he actually do any reading and homework with her, or is that all down to you as well.

Jesus he’s a self absorbed shitbag. The mother isn’t any better. Poor wee girl. I can tell you care for her but don’t set yourself on fire to keep those feckless idiots warm.

I agree with your sister that this is marriage ending territory.

This is one of the saddest and most concerning posts ive ever read

Please keep us updated

I mean it’s awful that he’s expecting you to do everything but I think it’s even more awful that he’s purposely planning things on the days he has his daughter so he isn’t even spending barley any time with her

I couldn't put it better myself.
Walk away from this one OP, there is more to life than this farce.

This dreadful man already had a plan in place to get you pregnant op so that you are completely unable to opt out.
I feel so sorry for his poor daughter 😥
Thank goodness you saw his true colours before he was able to stitch you up completely.

Are you sure of that? On what grounds?

OP would have no “claim” to keep seeing DSD and STBXH hardly seems the type to put his resentment aside and allow his DD to see the woman who left him for being a selfish prick.

It amazes me too. OP organise yourself to be going out at 6pm on Thursdays. You go to the gym, join a craft group, go for a coffee with a friend or go for a walk. Make him take responsibility for his DD who it sounds like hardly ever sees him. You are too accommodating, too available and too nice for him.

They split up when she was pregnant so he has been having her 50% of the time since she was a newborn?!

Was he working and going to the gym then?!

If you want a baby of your own, I would step away from this situation asap and find yourself a partner who you can share your family life with. This one is a chancer who thinks he can has dibs on your free time at the expense of his own,