FIL pissed me of

[Shakeyshakeybaby]

So totally expect to be told I'm unreasonable but hear me out. Myself and DH are married 25 years, three DC aged 17 , 16 and 14. We have only been away from our kids once since the oldest was born and that was for three nights. PIL minded the kids. They have never offered and apart from those three nights we never asked as we knew they wouldn't mind the kids , especially FIL.

So about three weeks ago my DH booked two nights away for me and him. It's a 40 minute flight. He asked MIL could she just stay the two nights in our house with the kids. She agreed. Kids get on well with MIL. Kids are good kids but just wanted an adult there with us being in a different country. All good so far.

The thing is one of our DDs plays soccer at a high level and she has just signed for a new team and has a match on Sunday. We thought all the paperwork might not be gone through on time so we would be ok to go away. Bear in mind that during the season we are unable to go away due to her football.

So DH asked FIL could he bring her. His response was " no I go to lidl on a Sunday morning". This was after DH had just done FIL a huge favour ( not the first time). He then had the neck to say" I will drop your mother around on Friday night, I heard you are ordering takeaway so I will stay for that and then head home"

It’s really not a big thing to ask as a one off, yes if she was being asked to do it every week that wouldn’t be on, but to help her sister out on her first match bung her some money for a nice lunch and couple of coffees. If she won’t do it then that’s a different problem and I guess you’re out of options.

Well if no one will take her, she won’t get public transports your options are either miss the holiday and DD misses football. Only you can decide

I’m with you op on almost everything - the public transport thing, granny coming to stay etc I don’t think you’re babying them, I wouldn’t want my 17 year dd being responsible for this either. But I do think you shouldn’t pin all your angst on FIL. Yes he could solve your problem, but it’s his right to not want the job, and not his fault you have a problem in the first place.

If I was a grandparent and all of a sudden I was being blamed, hated on and coerced for something that I didn’t ask for, didn’t want to do, and it would ruin my plans - I’d feel that was unfair. So I think YABU.

27km is about 16/17 miles. It really isn’t that far.
If 17year olds went with her why can’t she wait in the coffee shop, scroll for an hour or so on her phone then order an uber to return home with her sister

Congrats to your daughter! An amazing achievement and you must be gutted you can’t attend her game. Totally understand your reasons and it sounds like BIL will step up knowing how important the match is to your DD.
Enjoy your time away (and ignore those giving you unnecessary grief on this post)

I can understand you being pissed off by FIL especially as your DH helps him out.
I wouldn’t want to leave my kids alone when I was abroad even if the eldest is 17 it’s still a lot of responsibility on them and it’s good that MIL is coming for a sleep over.
I hope BIL doesn’t mess this up for your daughter, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for her.
Its a shame so many posters have jumped on you over this, it is sometimes hard to imagine the challenges other families have in different communities.

Contact the coach and tell them that had this holiday booked and your DD was not expecting to start this weekend. Unfortunately she might have to miss this match and start next week?

I think the FIL is really unkind . But I’m more intrigued by the detective work of picking up that they live in Ireland. And I don’t mean it sarcastically.

So DD16 has a important match she cannot miss yet has no way of getting there & suggestions aren’t acceptable, you’re also not willing to cancel your trip to help DD so what exactly are you hoping mumsnet is going to do for you?! You either cancel your trip to take her or she doesn’t go it seems?! FIL isn’t going to read this and think “ahh yes I’ll help out” he will be strolling around the middle of Lidl

who goes to lidl on a weekend when they dont have to thats the mad thing- its like when oaps geton the bus at school run time and moan theres too many kids

he sounds like a selfish old man stop doing favours for him

I do think you're being as inflexible as FIL here OP. Yes, you can ask your 17 year old to accompany your younger child just this one time. It's once. I'm sure you've done things for her. Yes, a taxi will cost a fortune. That's just one of the expenses you might have to accept as part of going away. It's just once. Sure, it would be nice if FIL could help out, but he won't. Keep this in mind when he wants a favour himself.

Then the only option is to just suck it up and have her miss one match. If a 16 year old and 17 year old aren’t capable of getting themselves there and you aren’t capable of ringing whoever organises the team and working out a different solution…

This thread is hilarious and I’ve just skimmed it but have picked up the following:

• loads of posters convinced the OP is from travelling community though she never said so and no reason to think so
• lots of Irish posters clearly explaining in vain that taxis are not reliable or available in many rural areas. Often a local person is taxi driver, will pick and chose runs they can do, are booked up ages in advance and might be in Tenerife for a month.
• The 17 year old has no driving license
• the kids are not babied, they happen to live somewhere else where life works differently
• the kids are happy granny is staying, that’s a good thing surely?
• She’s sorted now, her brother is doing the run.

She said the coffee shops are only accessable by car the DD doesn't drive.

Ordering an Uber in Ireland, well they only started up here in Dublin last year, they don't do outside of Dublin.

Most towns and rural areas have NO taxis, if you want a taxi you have to pre book days in advance with an operator and you won't even be guaranteed one because taxis hate driving out to rural locations.

Glad you are sorted OP.
Not a chance my 18 year old would get a taxi on her own.
We live in a city.
Not a chance I would want her in one and I wouldn't be alone in feeling that way.

I think your DH should make it clear to his father that this is a deal breaker. If he won't return a favour, then there won't be any accommodating him in future.

What a reach!!! Someone came up with a ridiculous theory that the OP is a traveller and some have latched on. It hasn’t even been confirmed that the OP is in Ireland.

This is like that game where everyone writes a line and folds the page and passes it on. Then at the end we get an outlandish story.

all we know for certain is that the OPs FIL is a selfish git.

Why can't mil wait in the warm cafe?

Someone I knew from you younger days was a bit like the "I always do the shop that day so I'm not changing" and he's actually just been diagnosed with AuDHD and says his CP thinks that's why. Obviously we see the "But do they have..." on pages like this all the time, sorry. But there are a lot of older people who wouldn't have been diagnosed, and now we teach kids to respect that Chloe's behaviour might not be deliberately mean, but because...
That said, he might just be horrible and entitled, and I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Has he just always been allowed to get away with selfishness?
I would give him one chance-ask him whether he thinks Lidl only opens Saturday mornings? Does he think something bad will happen if he goes another time (if so, doesn't he agree he should seek help?) And if he agrees that there's no real reason, shouldn't he put his granddaughter first? Because if not, you aren't putting him first ever again.
I feel sorry for your MIL as well as you. Maybe these days she'd have been encouraged to challenge his selfishness. I wonder how much she's lost (friends, hobbies, jobs) because of him?

Maybe the dog can drive DD to the match once it’s finished doing favours for FIL? 😜

I'll take that under advisement.

It's just as well I can count though as I have 3 thumbs up and 1 thanks for that post.

What has your MIL said about this situation?

Genuinely interested at what age would you consider it appropriate for a young adult to travel alone and start taking serious steps to full independance .
I find it crazy as my son was living 100 + miles away from me at 16 in forces accomodation .
Do you base your opinion on your child's maturity or would you generally not allow any 18 yr old to get a taxi alone ?

Well it sounds like you've got it sorted now. I know you kept repeating that you wouldn't expect your 17yo to do it and couldn't expect her to etc but most 17 yo's I know would be happy to be paid to do something like that. Anyway, you appear to have compromised now on the flakey bil. Hope it all works out and you have a lovely holiday. Please tell fil he isn't welcome to stay for takeaway as he isn't doing any helping out.

I'm with you OP, your FIL sounds very selfish. I wouldn't do any more favours for him. Do you have a friend, or the mum of a friend of Dd, who is more reliable than BIL and is happy to drive DD to the match? I would be happy to do that for a friend in those circumstances.