FIL pissed me of

[Shakeyshakeybaby]

So totally expect to be told I'm unreasonable but hear me out. Myself and DH are married 25 years, three DC aged 17 , 16 and 14. We have only been away from our kids once since the oldest was born and that was for three nights. PIL minded the kids. They have never offered and apart from those three nights we never asked as we knew they wouldn't mind the kids , especially FIL.

So about three weeks ago my DH booked two nights away for me and him. It's a 40 minute flight. He asked MIL could she just stay the two nights in our house with the kids. She agreed. Kids get on well with MIL. Kids are good kids but just wanted an adult there with us being in a different country. All good so far.

The thing is one of our DDs plays soccer at a high level and she has just signed for a new team and has a match on Sunday. We thought all the paperwork might not be gone through on time so we would be ok to go away. Bear in mind that during the season we are unable to go away due to her football.

So DH asked FIL could he bring her. His response was " no I go to lidl on a Sunday morning". This was after DH had just done FIL a huge favour ( not the first time). He then had the neck to say" I will drop your mother around on Friday night, I heard you are ordering takeaway so I will stay for that and then head home"

Is anyone else rather disappointed that OP’s location turned out to be Ireland with a quick trip to the Uk involved?

I had visions of a village in Africa or darkest Peru.

This.. she's 16 not a baby, if she wants to go she needs to get a taxi 🤷‍♀️

Some of these comments are absolutely sickening. So much for mumsnetters support.

I think OP shot herself in the foot by saying she wouldn't ask her 17 year old to support her younger sister in a very important match for a new team but even if she was willing to do it, in reality I think it's the fact that public transport outside of Dublin can be non existent in areas.Taxis are unreliable and extortionate. Learning to drive and get insurance at 17 can also be extortionate costs too and most 17 year olds would still be in secondary school.

It's very sad not to have family to rely on, so many people should understand. OP your FIL sounds terrible and BIL not much better, that's very tough.

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If the op has just explained from the outset that she’s part of the travelling community, posters would have been a lot more understanding

Spell it out to fil. Point out all you do and say you feel used. Or ask mil to speak to him and explain all favours to him are likely to stop dead!

If FIL could go to a cafe, so could 17yr old.

Are there some issues with your 17 year old not mentioned here? I did DoE, went to festivals with friends and left home at 17… taxi ride and a couple of hours in an coffee shop should not be impossible.

As BIL is willing ask him to do it and then make sure you call to remind him about 30 mins before he needs to leave.

I would be frustrated with your FIL as well, because he is the easiest solution to the problem and is choosing not to help when you don’t ask him for many things, but he is happy to accept your help (and takeaways!) when he needs something.
Im not sure which Country you live in as you’ve not specified so it’s tricky when the norm is for children to be transported rather then get somewhere under their own steam.
Having said that I would definitely expect a 17 year old to pitch in and accompany a younger sibling in a taxi and take a book or equiv to sit in a nearby cafe if they didn’t want to stand on the sideline because at 17 they should also appreciate that you never go away and families help out even if it’s not something they’d particularly enjoy.
Maybe send your brother in law a message on the morning ahead of time just remind him if he’s a little unreliable so that your MIL doesn’t have to stress about trying to sort it if he forgets.
Have a lovely time away!

😂

Why on earth not?

Would BiL be reliable if one of your children reminded him?

Don't go. Go another time but stop totally and entirely helping FIL out. He doesn't give the tiniest shite about any of you.

I wouldn’t. A community that restricts the freedom of young women and girls does not deserve understanding.

Where has the Op said she and her family are members of the travelling community? Did I miss where she confirmed this?

Whether she is or not, she as the parent gets to decide whether it is firstly even possible for her 16 yr old daughter to travel in a taxi miles from home for a lengthy period of time and whether this would be safe for her daughter or not.

Her being a member of the travelling community has no impact on the fact that it just isn't a feasible solution.

As for the contributor who said pay for a nanny for the day to bring her??! Where can you just source a nanny with transport for one day..I could really do with this service.

You said in your OP that the paperwork has come through quicker than you expected so you thought you were okay booking it.

You already have plans prior to the paperwork being done - why can't she just miss the game if she cant get there?

Why not? I would certainly think it reasonable to ask if it were mine. Why reasonable to ask FIL but not 17year old?

He is pathetic. Id do nothing for him. Id tell him if he cant help out geting Grand daughter to new club, no take away for him on no more favours. Call him out on rhis - why should you pay for his dinner. Why does he get to be a tw*t and you dont.

Failing all that..dd misses one two-hour session and you just tell them that holiday was booked long before paperwork was even a thing and its a trip you have waited 17 years for .

Laughing out loud at this. Pretty sure she didn't mean a taxi would grid to a halt after twenty minutes.

She hasn’t said they are part of the travelling community or that they live in Ireland, at least not that I could see.
Im assuming it was her comment that the children don’t leave school at 16 or go to university at 18 that may have suggested it, I just assumed she was somewhere where high school finished at 18 and not 16…

I totally get it - how frustrating to be so let down by family. I no no one owes us help but I’d be feeling pretty let down too.

is it possible for a local au pair/ student/ student nurse or student teacher to be paid to drive her, wait in the coffee shop and then bring her home?

Very lovely that MIL is happy to stay with your children, and that they welcome this. FIL is a selfish (& take out greedy) unhelpful person. That is disappointing, given that he could be supporting his granddaughter’s elite hobby.

I think you did the right thing in notifying the coach, and then asking nice BIL to help by driving. I would not be encouraging a lift with any other random teenage driver either TBH.

I would suggest to DD16 that she text her uncle the day before and morning of to remind him of how important this is to her. And call him shortly before he is due to pick her up to see if he is in his car. Kids can get away with a lot.

If the coach ended up coming to collect DD16, I would ask DD17 to accompany her sister, and I would (on this unusual occasion) pay DD17 for her time. Enjoy your trip.

As a one off I would totally expect that of a 17 year old. I mean, my 7yo stands at his brothers footy for 2 hours every week and 1 hour of training, an average 17yo stands for 2 hours all the time because there’s something they want to do and if they’re sporty their parents spend their whole life standing around, it really doesn’t seem much to ask.

If you do go ahead with the trip I’d order mil a taxi to yours to avoid buying your asshole fil a takeaway because he would be pissing me right of. And tell dh no more favours, he has to go Lidl.

Your daughter just won't be able to go to the football match then.

You've given an excuse for everything suggested.

I don't exactly see the point in this thread 😂