AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Absolutely not being unreasonable.
Time to give him the prices of shared rooms in houses locally and calmly suggest that maybe this is a good time to look at moving out.

It is an extremely beneficial wake up call for them when they move out.

If he thinks £500 a month is excessive, he can always move out and get a private rental. Where he’ll have to pay for his own food, own utilities inclusive bf car charging and not have luxuries of nespresso.

If he is living with you to save for a house (and he is actually saving with some fun bits in), then it’s a balance of making him realise the cost of things but also helping him get along. If he’s living with you because it’s too expensive to live alone or he is just pissing away his disposable income, then I’d put costs up because you don’t need to fund his lifestyle.

For the nespresso, I would probably agree to buy however many pods a month, make sure you allocate yourself how many you and DH want and just let DD and DS fight amongst themselves over the leftovers. Or they can both buy their own if that isn’t enough.

I’d charged mine 30 quid a week.

Any luxuries he bought on top of that himself.

I think you are charging quite a lot. Especially as you don’t need it. I would be be buying coffee pods though.

He thinks £500 a month is excessive

If he couldn't live with you, where else would be get room, utilities, and partial board for £500 a month? To answer the actual question, though - if it's something only he uses then it's reasonable to ask him to pay for it himself. Assuming it's you and/or DH doing the regular household shopping and he's just adding his items to the list and expecting you to pick them up and pay for them, I'd have another discussion and explain to him that the meal planning - grocery list - shopping process already includes a lot of budgeting and that may mean buying non-premium brands of some things, forgoing certain luxuries, making certain things from scratch rather than buying convenience versions. If his requested items are consistently pushing the cost go up by more than his share, some mitigation is needed - could be he shops separately, or he is responsible for buying/paying for certain items himself.

Using coffee pods is an expensive hobby so I can understand you not wanting to provide an unlimited supply for the whole house.

If I was you, I would tell your son that he has to buy his own coffee pods for himself and girlfriend. Probably you will have to keep your own coffee pods in a secret place only you can access.

He will soon realise how he was taking it for granted when he has to put his hand in his pocket to buy them,

Life is expensive, better to get used to it tbh.

I think £500 is excessive. Especially if youre expecting him to pay for his meals at the weekend, his car electric and any extra luxuries eg fizzy drinks and coffee.

Around 30% of your income on housing costs is good. He pays less than that for bills, food and rent. Which is a good deal. And it’s teaching him that things cost money.

I think it might be good for him to do a budget for his costs IF he moved out. To compare. Do a weekly shop (with coffee pods). Do a rent check in the area. Let him see what costs what.

Maybe he needs a reality check in how much it would cost him to rent a room, pay bills etc. Are you able to save some of that £500 on his behalf, if you don't need the money, and give it back as a property deposit once he's ready?

£500 is much more than the going rate for parents to charge young adults round here, and you will be making a significant profit from him. How much does it actually cost you in additional utilities and food to have him there? Probably no more than £100/m tbh. I wouldn't be comfortable profiting of my young adult child tbh.

Except for when affordability is an issue and the contribution is needed to make ends meet, then the going rate round here (affluent home counties) is around £2-300/m all inclusive to allow the YP to save. And generally, where affordable, the "rent money" is saved and handed back to the child in the form of a contribution towards a house deposit.

Most people want to give their young adult children a helping hand in life, rather than seeking to profit from them.

This is why schools should teach a class about how much it costs to live. He’s 23 years old, I was living with my husband at that age and I can tell him it cost us more than £500 each!! If he doesn’t like it, he knows what to do.

My 23yr old buys his own luxury food items and takeaways . He can use the household staples like butter, sauces, toilet rolls etc

He pays his own phone deals though .
His rent is £400pcm. I couldnt afford to support him financially without his contribution as I’m a lone working parent and he knows that he gets a good deal .

If he works full time I'm surprised you don't just make him pay for all his own groceries. Bar milk, butter etc which you plus him should both buy for the house. It's not like he's living in a B&B.

I started buying all my own food as soon as I started work at 18. But then again I did used to be given a budget from 14 onwards for all food and did all my own cooking. My mum was bereaved and busy working so I was happy to cook own meals.

You are doing the right thing charging him £500.00. He brings home more than me and I pay towards a mortgage. I think people charging their ADULT children a pittance a week are setting them up for a very nasty shock in the future.

I think £500 a month is quite a lot to take from your DS if he’s trying to save for a house deposit for example. I don’t think you’re wrong about the coffee pod situation, but maybe have a sit down with the whole family about the cost of coffee pods and how you can’t spend £150 a month on pods for the household.

My son brings home £1800, we charge him £200.
We pay for most of his meals, but if he wants take out then he pays for it.
Same if he decided he wanted something different to what we are offering, he pays. He also pays for his own phone bill, luxury items such as fizzy, treats.
We do however pay for the coffee 🤣
This allow him to save as much as he can.

I think in that case I'd take the hint and move out.

At first I thought the 500 was a lot but he charges his car I’m assuming every night? So that’s a lot

In fairness to you the Nespresso capsules are really expensive.
Has his Costs increased with your rural move?

Not "setting them up for a nasty shock in the future", they're well aware of the real costs of living/bills etc having lived in shared houses at Uni, and managed their budgets accordingly. We're simply putting them in a good position to save hard, so they can save their house deposit quicker. If they weren't of the minset to save, I guess we'd charge them a higher "rent" and save that for them, but fortunately that hasn't been an issue for us, they're both well on the way to having a deposit to buy their first homes.

I just find the idea of making a profit out of my child pretty distasteful. Obviously it's different in households where finances are stretched and the contribution is needed to survive. That said, it's worrysome when middle aged adults need their child to subsidise them to be able to pay their bills. What are these adults going to do when their child moves out?

I think £500 is a lot from his salary.
I also think that he should be buying pods himself.

I think people charging their ADULT children a pittance a week are setting them up for a very nasty shock in the future.
I disagree with this.
Both my sons were living in their own homes by the age of22. The manage to pay their mortgage, bills, insurance, council tax, food etc. It wasn't a shock because since they started high school I talked through money matters and the 3 rule of paying bills off first, saving some and thirdly enjoy some.

I drummed into them the Micawber principle!
Admittedly ds1 sometimes goes off piste with his money but he always manages to pull it back!

I dont find this to be excessive if it includes all bills, and also his share of the food for 5 out of 7 days!

If he thinks this is excessive, I would maybe suggest to him that you can reduce it to £350 on the condition that he pays for his own food throughout the week.

If not, then he is more than welcome to find elsewhere to live (which will send up being about double the cost)

Personally would never charge mine rent and keep it. I would get them to give a contribution in line with their income and put it aside for them (not them knowing that).

Luxuries he can afford himself and are not on you.

500 is a lot especially as you don't need it. I find it really distasteful profiting off children. It's a different story if the household needs the additional funds. Parents should be there to help their children. Is he saving for a deposit? I'm forever grateful to my parents for allowing me to live rent free in their house while I saved for my deposit.

I'd cut his rent but ask him to buy his own coffee pods

Is £500 what it actually costs for him to live with you? I would put together a household budget and see whether this is really his share of the bills. Then you can decide whether he needs to pay for the coffee pods, his EV charging, etc.