AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

At first I thought the 500 was a lot but he charges his car I’m assuming every night? So that’s a lot
Not necessarily. Ds2 ev charge is less than £40 a month. My colleague who has a large Vmw pays around £50.
Obviously ot is dependent on how far they are travelling but its not a lot.

I agree with you on the coffee pods and canned drinks. My 22 and 23 year old are currently at home (23 year old about to move out) and if they want relatively expensive food items that I wouldn't normally buy (or would buy much less of) then then need to buy them themselves.

Having said that, I dont charge them any rent as DS isn't currently earning much while he applies for longer term jobs, and DD has been saving to enable her to move out, but I still believe in them facing the costs of expensive choices like matcha!

I’d have him reduce the rent but buy his own luxuries.

He can start looking for another place to live if he's unhappy with yours.

Room and board (for most of the week) and charging his car for 500 a month is a steal. Now he expects you to provide significantly costly extras like packs of drinks and thinks he's paying too much.

Set him back. You provide meals but the extra things he wants like coffee pods and packs of drinks are for him to buy for himself. They are also not part of the family food, so if he does, keep your husband and daughter out of his stuff.

In response to some of the questions....

He has moved out twice before and both times got himself in financial difficulties resulting in us having to bail him out and him move back home - this last time he would have lost his job (a degree apprenticeship) otherwise.

He will get an approx £10k deposit when he moves buys a house, plus maybe another £10k from family. So i dont feel we are significantly.limiting his chances of getting a house deposit as he still has £1300 a month to save from.

He doesnt do any shared housework or contribute to the household in other works - doesnt even clean up after himself, we have asked and its not worth the fights/backlash. We have also asked him to not smoke etc in the house/garden which he does anyway.

Any family meals out, take aways as a family etc are paid for by us include for his gf.

His costs havent increase since moving as he claims his mileage back from work - in his head we were going to his electric car charging whilst he then profits from reclaiming that cost from work.

Thing is, he isn’t going to sagely think ‘oh wow I took mum for granted.’ These things can build resentment, fair or otherwise, and young adults can be very sensitive to what they perceive to be parents trying to get rid of them (even if you are!)

And in fairness … I rent the house I owned before I met DH out. It’s £850 a month for the entire three bed house. So £500 is a lot for a room, even though it includes board etc.

Nespresso coffee pods are a crazy unnecessary expense. Also they produce plastic waste with every shot.

If you like good coffee, buy coffee beans plus a grinder, or ready ground, and make it in a cafetière or one of those Italian stovetop ones.

Then you can choose the blend and roast you prefer and get far more coffee for your money - better, fresher coffee.

I think £500 is probably a bit too much but if he's not cleaning, you use some of that money to pay for a cleaner and suggest to him if he doesn't like it, demonstrate that he can clean up after himself and you'll refund £100 a month.

Hmm, your update shows that he’s not great with money!

Is that rent including council tax, utility bills, internet , tv etc ?

The rule of thumb is 30% on housing. He is getting more for his money than that. He can afford extras.

Definitely don't reduce his rent. He's an adult he needs to understand money and how much things cost.
You could put some of the rent aside in a savings account for him and gift it to him when he needs it e.g. buying a property?

He’s out of order smoking in your home. If he can afford to smoke he’s not hard up!

If he’s claiming his EV costs back via work then he most definitely should be passing this onto you, or at the very least the cost of the extra electricity. I have an EV and even though I get cheap electric overnight, and it’s cheaper than petrol, it’s still not free.

As for extras, again yes he should be buying his own.

@Sasasku “And in. fairness … I rent the house I owned before I met DH out. It’s £850 a month for the entire three bed house. So £500 is a lot for a room, even though it includes board etc.”

I suppose it depends where the OP lives -we’re paying £750 pcm for a 3-bed terrace, but in London and the south east that would probably only get you a room in a shared house.

My son is the same age. He earns approx £32,000 has a flat £750 per month, plus utilities, food .. and he runs his car. He has had to learn to budget and I think your son should too.

YANBU He's a cheeky sod, more so given your most recent update. I'd be mortified, if I was his GF.

Have you tried to teach him about budgeting/finances?

YABU. That's a lot to charge your child rent IMO.

My parents charged my 10% so that sounds a lot to me. The only way I’d feel comfortable would be if I was putting half of it away every month to give him as a lump sum when he moved out.

Exactly. And I'll tell you something else, the sort of parents who charged their kids through the roof and expected them to 'stand on their own feet' from 18 or so? Among my friends, those are the ones who don't have much to do with their parents and are certainly not going to help them in their old age. Be careful what you wish for.

I think £500 is a pretty decent amount compared to what most people pay their parents.

Your rent/mortgage would be the same regardless and so that £500 is for his food and share of utility bills.

I personally would keep it as £500 a month and include all meals mon-sun that you eat as a family.
If he wants extra or different then it’s up to him to go shopping and buy this out of his money.

He is on a total winner

£500 is totally reasonable and appropriate - particularly if he is being rude and damaging your house by smoking in it.

Stay strong OP...you are subsidising him 💐

I really can’t understand parents who charge rent to their young adult children, that’s really crass especially you are in a comfortable earning position 😳

My son earns about the same and is the same age. I charge him £350 a month which includes all bills and food, but he pays his own phone and travel costs and any extras / luxuries. I don’t have any choice but to charge him board as I rent privately and am on a low income myself, but he’s a very sensible lad and is saving hard for a flat deposit so I wouldn’t feel right charging him more.

My two took over their own mobile contracts when they left school/college at age 18.

Recently dd returned home aged 23 to live with us for a year so she could save to go to uni the following year as a mature student. I only charged her £50 per week but she only worked in a coffee shop on minimum wage. She would often buy her own food, more luxury or niche items that she specifically wanted over and above the normal family shop.

Previous to that she had been paying £530 per month rent for a room in a shared house in London so she knew she was onto a good deal.

For those saying never to charge adult children rent. Many of us made lots of sacrifices whilst our kids were young to give them a good life/extra curriculars/put them through uni. My dh sacrificed his own pension etc for this. We now need to catch up. 7 years ago my dh became ill and overnight we lost most of our income and thought he would never work again. Thankfully that was not the case but parents need to remember that they need to put aside money for their own futures/retirement now our kids are adults.