AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

just show him the bills and receipts for a year: all utilities, TV, phone, food and household goods bills, plus any maintenance (window cleaner, boiler service, car service/MOT, plumbers etc, replacing/updating towels, bedlinen, essential household items - all the usual annual costs of keeping a home functioning. Then divide it by 12 and again by the number of adults in the house. The only one I would not divide equally by 3 is any mortgage since you end up owning the home and he doesn't, so I'd charge just a nominal amount in rent. (Though presumably eventually he will own in, so it is in his interest not just yours to pay off the mortgage and keep the house in good nick.)

The amount it adds up to is what it costs you to house him each month.

He will be paying a fraction of the actual costs. If he doesn;t then see sense, suggest he moves out. The cost of renting plus all those expenses on top will make him realise comfortable homes cost money.

I think the board is a lot to be fair BUT I absolutely wouldn't be buying his coffee pods or takeaways etc either.

I think it's fair.... but I would put some of that away in a savings account so when he does move out and needs some help with deposit you can lend him some.

He definitely needs to pay for the car charge electricity on top of his rent. He needs to pay for any of his own bills that are not household bills. He also needs to be paying for any groceries that he would like, that are outside of your normal food shop. You also need to stop paying for meals out for him and gf - why would you do that unless it’s a special occasion? He’s a grown man with a full time wage. Maybe he should treat you every once in a while instead. However, £500pm is steep. Is he a high earner? Is he saving for a deposit? Do you need the full £500 to survive or are you profiting from it? I’m 31 now but paid rent from 17 until I moved out at 27 or 28. At the end, I paid £350 a month on a c.£45k salary but that was rent only - I paid my own bills and food in addition to that. When I started saving for a deposit, mum kindly dropped the rent to £200. It’s all relative. What you can you afford? What can he afford? Is he saving? There is no right or wrong answer, it comes down to your personal circumstances.

He’s onto a winner. The problem is, he’s bad with money. Does he know what the £500 actually goes to, all the things he’d have to contribute to for a room share?

you've bailed him out twice and he’s still in a child mentality of ‘it’s not fair’ - take him through a complete breakdown of monthly costs so he gets it @QuaintNewt or he’ll flounce and you’ll be onto bail out 3. YANBU.

it’ll also be completely clear if he decided to leave again, what he needs to pay out.

ps - is he claiming work mileage for that car? In which case he’s getting an extra subsidy from you there.

Agree completely.

As you’re financially comfortable you should only charge what it costs to keep him. He’s your son, not a cash cow. Can’t imagine ever making a profit from my kids!
Agree on the coffee front though.

He should pay for charging his car as he is getting reimbursed for the cost of the “fuel” by his company so it is free for him but a cost to you. I don’t think I could charge my children for coffee. Better have a look at how much it actually costs you to have hi. There vs what he is paying. You sound a bit annoyed to have him there to be honest, what is the long term plan?

My Ds lives with me and he pays £500 a month to cover his share of the household expenses. Our set up is more like a house share, he is a working adult so I won’t be subsidising his life and he is to pay his way. His board covers all the regular food costs but if he wants something special or fancy drinks he buys them himself. If we have a takeaway, we either split the cost or take in turns to pay.

My son is the same age as yours and we have a slightly different arrangement. We charge him less rent, but he covers all his own bills. We supply basic food but he buys his own beer and ingredients when he's cooking. He's also responsible for any media, and replacing furniture in his room.

In theory he's learning how to budget but I'm sure it'll still come as a shock when he leaves home.

I think it is a lot if the money isn't needed. I wouldn't be paying for coffee pods etc though either. Yes he would pay a lot more on his own but I would look to make it something to support him moving out and getting ahead in life. With £1800 he should be saving a huge chunk of that. I would probably charge £500 and have a deal where I will match out of the £500 what he puts in a savings account. So if he puts in £500 I match, £200 I match and he pays for his food and bills etc or max it at £400 and have them included.

How much is rent in a room of a shared house in your area? You can get something for less than £450 round here and that includes bills. It might give him a bit more independence. Can you afford to lose the money you are making from his rent?

He’s 23, not 18. He’s well into adulthood and has been bailed out several times already. Giving him a lower cost isn’t going to help him he desperately needs to learn to budget.

what’s he doing with his excess £1300 plus pm? Other than buying takeaways…

Why don’t you reduce his rent to £400 but say he has to buy his own groceries and will not be cooked for? Might give him a reality check as to how much groceries cost…

How much did it cost to 'bail him out' twice? Is there an element of repaying the costs of saving him from himself in this scenario?

As a member of the household who doesn't contribute to its smooth running and makes no effort to be considerate of the other members of the household, I think £500 is a bargain. If he behaved this way in a houseshare he'd be paying more and wouldn't have people that put up with his laziness and bad attitude re chores etc.

Time to give him the prices of shared rooms in houses locally and calmly suggest that maybe this is a good time to look at moving out.

This. Its really bad for young adults to get used to a lifestyle based on parents subsidising housing & bills, enabling them to have a whole salary of disposable income

This does include all his food and bills, including mobile etc, so that really isn't that much. With the cost of groceries these days I'd be surprised if his food costs you less than 200 pounds a month, and that's without coffee pods etc.

TBH he does get all his meals except if he goes out/buys his own takeaway but i originally said sun-thurs because his expectation was we would buy his takeaway if we went out with friends etc (thats his mindset)

Time to give him the prices of shared rooms in houses locally and calmly suggest that maybe this is a good time to look at moving out.

This. Its really bad for young adults to get used to a lifestyle based on parents subsidising housing & bills, enabling them to have a whole salary of disposable income.

When they have to pay ordinary bills from a modest junior salary its suddenly a shock that they aren't in fact rich.

Take him round the supermarket with you and let him see what things actually cost.

And me. They don’t even need the money!

Because hed make a massive mess and I/DH would have to clean it up!

Have now rtft

Congratulations, you've raised a kidult

Stop enabling him or he will never learn responsibility. At some point you have to let him fail & learn from it, whether its losing his job etc

It depends what he’s doing with the rest of his salary. Is he actively saving to buy his own place (have you seen savings) or is he just being tight because he wants to piss his money away on other things?

He’s 23! He’s expecting you to buy his takeaways - you really need to get more into where his money is going - both his salary and what he’s paying you and show him as he is not getting it at all @QuaintNewt

i agree I might agree to match save but ONLY if my
adult child understood money and wasn’t waffling on about fairness based on poor money sense like they’re 15.