AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Amazed by all the replies saying it's too much, the poor love, and even those advising his parents to walk him through the household budget and/or the costs of renting independently. He's 23!

I hope these PPs aren't the same ones raging at 'boomers' for having it easy. We sure as hell never had it THAT easy 👀 What age is this young man actually supposed to start growing up?

My God he sounds like the grown men still living at home in the film stepbrothers.

He needs a reality check and he needs one fast. It sounds like you’ve done too much for him and he’s gotten away with doing too little for far too long.

This is very easy: tell him to take a look at costs to rent a room in a house share, then come back and tell you that he thinks you're being unfair. He can move out if he thinks he'll get a better deal than what he's currently getting.

Agreed.

This is very depressing reading.

I feel for you OP....

Is HE saving any of the 1k + disposable he has towards a deposit?

I don't understand about the pods.
I have just ordered 200 (100 caffeinated, 100 flavoured) and that is costing me £36.26 including p&p. Special offer at the moment.
How in god's name are you spending £150 on coffee pods?

There are companies out there that sell very slightly imperfect nespresso pods

£500 a month sounds quite steep to me and I am always on the side of kids paying their way. Good life lesson.

£500 is a fair amount, certainly more than many parents charge though I would include Friday and Saturday as in help yourself to food if you are eating out and we always paid for ours when we ate out (and didn’t charge rent because we are soft)

£500 and you want more?

yes, all day long if you need it. You say you don’t. For me, if I was charging £500 a month I’d cover everything - within reason of course. So yes to a set amount of coffee pods a month and yes to all meals all week - if he wants takeaways then it’s reasonable for him to pay for those. I’d let the 30 quid charging of his EV go too

I would say: One third of his take home pay, plus all bills for his personal usage items. If GF stays over her costs also (slightly over estimated). Also, if he want extras, i.e. fizzy drinks, alcohol, special food, he purchases them himself and they are shared as a family.

This I believe is fair in a shared home and it gives him a small idea of budgeting and costs.

OP, WHY are you overcharging him, yet babying him at the same time?? Make him clean his own mess for goodness sake. Help him be physically responsible as well as financially responsible 😵‍💫

So how much are the actual extra costs of having him there each month?

Extra utilities - £100 (inc EV charging)?
Extra food - £100?

I can't think of anything else that would be costing you more because he's there.

So what are you doing with the extra £300 that you're taking off of him?

I think he should pay his own mobile, and I think he should pay his own luxury items like takeaways and coffee pods, as that's good discipline.

But, I don't think you should be profiteering from him and charging him more in rent than the actual additional costs of him living with you, unless you are saving it for him.

£200/m rent, plus he buys for himself all the luxury extra items and his mobile seems about right to me, and in line with what everyone I know charges. Maybe £300 in rent and you save the extra £100/m for him.

Why would you or DH have to clean it up? DS is in for a huge shock if he ever cuts the apron strings and moves into a flat share, he will be expected to clean up after himself. DS should be embarrassed, I had been living away from my parents for 5 years by the time I was 23 (I am not that old BTW).

You are teaching him nothing except his mother is mean and tight with him
Well done op.

I wouldn't charge my DC rent but I would expect them to be paying their share of all the bills and food once they are working. That's including things like council tax and home insurance. Break it all down into a list just so they have an awareness of how many things there are to cover when have your own house.

At 23 I’d say he’s lucky to only be paying £500 for all bills including rent, for most it would be at least double this if not three times as much- basically would take up most of his salary.

I don’t think it’s unfair to ask for the electricity money he claims back for the car since it’s your bill. Also don’t think it’s unfair to request he buys the expensive luxuries.

It is quite shocking to me how many people seem to have failed to teach their children basic life skills such as managing money and being considerate house mates. It is ridiculous that a fully grown man thinks that he is being hard done by, and that his mummy and daddy don't make him cook, because, in OP's words, he would make a mess and his parents would have to clean it up.
How on earth is he going to manage when he decides to be a big boy and move out?

He is from his point of view! "What's mine is mine, and so is yours" works ever so well for as long as you get away with it.

His girlfriend should be noting this and making alternative plans.

No way I would charge either of our DS £500, that seems excessive to me. I like to know they are saving all they can whilst they live with us rather than us taking it.

£500 is a lot IMO -
I certainly wouldn't be charging for the EV. I would say buy your own takeouts and coffee pods.

I wouldn't buy the extra coffee pods. The rest is fine.
Get a moka pod and a frother that will cost you about 50 quid both and fine brands, or a expresso machine for what you expend in 3 months of pods you can have a semi decent machine with frother and some sirups. The machine will last for years and the sirups for a while. It will pay itself in a year even if you buy a 1000 pounds proper expresso machine with all the bars and features.

You say you are reasonably comfortable yet you are charging £500 for your own child.
Putting aside the matter of his helping around the house which imo should be unrelated to money, that's a lot. It must be more than he costs if you split outgoings between adults unless he's paying towards your rent or mortgage? You'd have those whether he was there or not.

I didn't charge my DC anything because I didn't need the money but they were expected to do their fair share of cooking/ cleaning.

To those saying it would cost more if he moved out, yes but is it fair to profit from your own child?

I'm not sure that PPs saying this is a lot have really added up how much things cost. My monthly grocery bill for one adult and one young child is at least 450 quid, and we're not getting anything fancy at all. Energy for same 200 quid. So when you add up his food, energy use, car charging, mobile etc, I very much doubt there is a lot of change from 500 pounds.

Just read this one. You should kick him out! How does he think he's going to cope living elsewhere?

Who is giving him the house deposits, please say it isn't you. If so, you are just rewarding bad behaviour.
I am surprised he has a girlfriend, most women I know would consider DS to be a bit of a loser.

I totally agree!

I have a sibling who is mid 50s and has been enabled all their life, never expected to pay their own way. Bailed out financially countless times. It has done them no favours whatsoever. They have never learned to budget or be financially independent. This has created huge resentment within the family as this person has leeched off parents their entire life leaving parents in a really difficult financial position, unable to afford a comfortable old age. Other siblings picking up the shortfall to ensure parents don’t go without necessities. This person has fucked up all their friendships and relationships because of their huge sense of entitlement. They are thoroughly selfish - I’m talking not even buying a card for parent’s birthdays, never mind a present.

I truly believe that the biggest favour we can do for our children is to teach them to be responsible, self sufficient adults. This includes paying rent and expenses. Lots of parents who are financially comfortable save the ‘rent’ and give it back to their adult child later on to help with house deposit etc.

A 23 year old is 5 years into adulthood btw, hardly a young adult. Just an adult.

Well he sounds like a bit of an entitled loser OP.
Bailed him out twice?
I'd want him out of the house and next time he wouldn't be returning.
He needs to take responsibility for himself.
Failure to launch, lazy, selfish and entitled?
No way will he be able to maintain an adult relationship with his attitude.
Time to get tough.
Not taking a proper amount is feeding into his entitlement.
Time to wake up.
He'll be a boomerang waster if you and your husband don't get real fast.