AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Standard expectation for affordable rent is 30% of income before tax. Your son appears to be paying around 28% of his income after tax plus bills plus food most of the week = bargain. He can afford his own coffee pods.

I don't believe one should compare the accommodation costs of living independently and living at home. I think variables enter into it. The money the parents earn. The money the child owns. The age of the child. In this case the child takes home £1800pm. He pays £500. This does not include weekend food. Now he is being expected to pay for car electricity and coffee..The parents are comfortably off.
He is paying a way over a third of his salary in rent etc. This is too much IMO.
I would charge my DC £4]0 all inclusive. After all the aim is to help them to save for the future. They are not tenants. They are your children.

But realistically if he rented somewhere it would be a minimum of£800 PLUS bills, food etc. So he's got a good deal on £500 a month

@QuaintNewt i very much feel you’re approaching the problem from the wrong angle.
You're thinking ‘I’m doing a lot fur him so I should get more contribution’ .

I don’t think that’s the right angle.
Your issue is that you have a young man who at the same time expects to live his life as if he was a teenager, being fully looked after (and indulged in treats like tge coffee pods) AND also expects to be treated as an adult who can do whatever ke likes, like smoking in the house, tidying up ‘when he feels like it’ etc….
Id have a conversation with him around that - he is an adukt, he needs to act as an adukt. An adult that lives in a house that’s a partnership. Not a student house where everyone are free electron that have their own lives.

£500 a month is a large amount to pay to live at home unless you're putting it away to go towards a house deposit for him, I couldn't imagine charging mine that. It's also not his fault that your husband and other two kids have started deciding to drink your expensive coffee! Not sure why it's ok for you but not your DH though.

Except he has a girlfriend so those would be split.

He is paying 28% of his net salary and not 33% of his gross salary. Not over a third by any metric.

Unfortunately the OP's son has the makings of the type of non prize that we read about on here.
I had an entitled one here, my eldest, that so needed to move out of home to grow up and appreciate his privilege.

He was always money savvy but he blew too much money on takeaways every other night duringuniversity.
Since graduating and moving away, the price of everything has landed, and takeaways are a real treat and he has learned to cook, sort of!

He lives in a nice apartment in a very central location but he is paying for it.
He likes to tell me that I have no idea how expensive life is🙄😁.
He is learning to cut his cloth.

Luckyingame
I think in that case I'd take the hint and move out.
I’d be thinking this too- op you put rent in inverted commas and everyone here is saying ‘oh he would have to pay so much more if he was renting’ but the thing is he’s living in the same place he’s lived all his life, he doesn’t have what he’s have in his own place. While I think he should pay I think people need to acknowledge he’s not doing a bad job

Dear god.

Put his rent up by £20 every time he smokes in the house and by £10 every time you have to clean up his mess.

He is not acting like an adult at all.

Greenlandss
Unfortunately the OP's son has the makings of the type of non prize that we read about on here.
Thats a bit of a jump isn’t it?

I feel how much the family earns is nor here nor there.
The idea that the young adult than can save money to move out assumes:

1- this is an agreement between them. There’s no indication that it’s the case here. He moved back in because he git in debt and woukd lost his apprentship otherwise. So a huge favour and rescue from the parents in the first place

2- it also assumes the young adukt and the parents have talked about WHEN he us going to move out again. In tgis case, it doesn’t sound like it happened either. But rather than it was a given hed be given money to buy his own house.

3- theres is an agreement on house rules which is RESPECTED. Which isn’t happening at all here either.

Im all for supporting my dcs. But I’m Fulky against becoming a martyr/the maid/the bank. It’s not helpful for said young adult, even less so when the previous two attempts at living in his own were a disaster.

Find me a shared room rental where you can smoke in the house these days - and you have a younger dc…

He’s an adult so if he wants luxuries that’s for him to purchase

So you would buy pods for you, dh snd dd but not da?

i couldn’t do that

I don't really care how much rent would be if living with me wasn't an option. It would be more about actually covering the cost of bills and food. So however much heating/energy/water/council tax was, I would divide by number of people in the household and expect him to pay his share. Same for food. I wouldn't pay for luxury items, phone bill or takeaways or EV charging. Id sit them down and go through these costs with them. I don't think I'd charge them for a roof over their head if they were still setting themselves up in life which at the age of 23 you are really.

I can see why parents do charge though if their child needs a kick up the bum. I think if they were still living with me by 25, I would start charging subsidised "rent" but I'd probably be saving it aside to give to them later in life anyway.

I think she would be happy to buy everyone one pod a day (or whatever) but can see it turning into several pods each p.d.

but also - this is an example of a 'luxury' expense, given DS expected OP to pay for his takeaways with friends, I would guess he's pretty casual about adding the expensive versions of many products to the shopping list.

Same here. And im also paying the mortgage on a house big enough for my adult son to live here instead of a smaller property just for me.

20 years ago I paid £40 a week in board money. It didn’t include toiletries, or any “special” food, in your case the coffee pods!

£500 is way too much for living with your parents. It’s suppose to be a contribution, not you profiting from him.

he should be paying to charge the car, after all you wouldn’t be paying his fuel bill at the petrol station would you?

Is that a Nespresso offer?

The imperfect wonky pods don’t always work properly so you don’t necessarily save money.

I buy crappy Starbucks brand etc. pods for DS and DH and keep my Nespresso pods in a tin for my use only. 😜

I have a subscription that includes a free Nespresso sleeve a month although I am wondering about splashing out on a bean to cup machine?

If he thinks £500 is excessive, tell him to find somewhere else cheaper. He'd soon realise what a bargain he's getting.

Well dividing the bills and food by 3 would probably be about the £<500 anyway so not much difference

DS still has £1300 over and above what he is paying for board and lodging though - I doubt OP and her DH have that much 'free cash' each month. And they are doing all cleaning, maintenance etc, plus hosting his GF regularly.

I have adult ds living at home and he pays his expenses rather than rent because I knew that he’d accept that more easily. He pays all food, car, phone and toiletries cost which would add up to £500 imo. He uses “my” stuff like loo roll and washing powder and saves a lot.

If he was unhappy with that then I’d charge 1/3 utilities and council tax so he could see that he was getting a good deal. He knows how much I pay on my mortgage and that it’s “only” £1000
pm because I’m old enough to have bought property 20 years ago.

He does his own laundry and keeps his room and bathroom clean. Having his gf come round means that he is motivated to keep it clean which works fine with me.

How did you come up with the amount £500? Did he go to uni so have an idea of how much things like food (not takeaways) costs?

All adults have to pay to live somewhere. No one lives for free.