Ex wife still has husband’s surname

[ByCyanPlayer]

Am I wrong to be peeved that my husband’s ex-wife still uses his surname, despite them being divorced 28 years and they were only married for 2 years? They share a son who is 30 but I fail to see why she can’t go back to her maiden name, plus she isn’t the type to be bothered about her and her son having the same surname.

No more ridiculous than suggesting you should make decisions about your own identity based on other people. :-s

Nope, not based on other people but entirely based on my own desire to keep the same name.

What is ridiculous is someone like the OP thinking that an ex wife having the same name as her partner is in any way anything to do with her.

These are literally your own words.

When we split I kept the name because we had moved just after getting married & the people I know now & see regularly have only known me by my married name.

My mum kept her married surname so that God would know she was still dad's wife in His eyes and they would be back together in heaven whilst "that bitch" would be dropped straight to hell.

Had an interesting childhood.

Would ask OP if they have always felt bad about it, or what has raised this insecurity now?

Don't know what your problem is but if you want the last word then feel free.
I know exactly what I mean and I'm sure others do as well
But hey ho, nit pick away if you really want to. 🤷‍♂️

I know what you meant.

What I don't know is why people think a name/taking or keeping someone's name is your whole identity. It's your identity on paper or even if people mentioned you. Your surname differentiates you from others with the same forename or a different family.

Some are acting like if you choose to change your name you're all of a sudden a different person, suggesting your identity has been taken over by the husband.

For me it's more practical and I remain the same person I was before I changed it and decided to keep it!

How would it have been less “practical” for your husband to take your name?

It wouldn't, but I didn't like my name so couldn't wait to offload it, therefore it wasn't even a consideration. Double barreled name would have been fairer if I did.

Anyway, wasn't really practical me taking it other than nursery and schools would get my surname right, but 100% practical not changing it back with all the faff that comes with it (and as mentioned, I couldn't wait to get rid of my own surname!)

I've noticed on this thread that those who claim to be feminists seem to be the ones putting other women down for their own choices. Strange that.

I’ve noticed that the male family members of women who change their names on marriage because:

they hate their surname
it’s too hard to say/spell
it’s too common

cope just fine having the same name for their entire lives. Weird phenomenon, really.

As I have explained above, my issue is with women being expected to identify themselves in relation to the man they choose to sign a legal document with whilst men have no such expectation. Their children often aren’t given any immediately identifiable link to their mother (the person that risked their physical and mental wellbeing, often their career and independence and also their life) or her family, in favour of the partner that took relatively few risks and who can pretty much carry on regardless/benefit greatly from the situation whilst being much freer to walk away with little ongoing impact.

It’s not about the female choice per se, it’s about the presumption, the expectation which applies to women alone (not much progress from when they were literal belongings of men and identified as such - how utterly sweet and charming 🙄). Women who defend female choice without acknowledging even a fraction of this do their future female descendants an enormous disservice.

I agree with this a 100%. It is absolutely what I think. I wasn’t ever going to get married or have kids, then I did marry late and have a DD. I certainly was never going to change my name. I would have been appalled at that idea.

However I have to confess to being completely shallow when given the option and I did change my name because his was so much nicer and it’s further up the alphabet (I always hated being last for everything growing up) and now divorced am hanging on to his name purely for the same reasons.

I clearly have no principles whatsoever which is not the easiest thing to admit. Vanity has won.

I love this response. It's always women who are keen to change their shit surnames and never men. Men with the surnames Hoare, Pratt, Fuchs, Crapper, hardcock and Gaylord still expect their wives to change their names rather than taking the opportunity to offload their terrible surnames themselves!

There's an awful lot of judgement here on the reasons for changing or not changing your name.

Ultimately I believe it's a woman's perogative to change, or change back based on her own personal preference.

Not on the preference of her husband/ex husband, and certainly not because his new wife or girlfriend thinks so...

Watch out with your perfectly reasonable explanation, @AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti will be along in a minute to berate you and pick apart your post.

I think it’s a very honest and interesting post. OP could have achieved the benefit by changing her name to Aardvark on her 18th birthday or at any time since. I wonder why she didn’t take that option. The answer is likely that it would have upset her family/hard to justify giving up her name for another without the socially acceptable (indeed expectation) of marriage etc. And we are back to the roots of the practice being inherently damaging to women. Not cool.

Even if the rationale given were reasonable, why aren’t men with surnames taking the chance for them and their children to get higher up the alphabetical list if they marry a woman with a A-M surname?

I’m so glad that people are sticking up for the ex wife.
I’ve kept my ex husband’s surname. I like the name; it’s better than my maiden name. And I wanted to have the same name as my children.

So why is keeping a name just to be higher up in the alphabet an OK reason but when I said I kept mine because literally everyone I currently know just knows me as that name & I don't want to go through the faff of changing it you came for me? 🤔

I’m separated from my husband for complicated reasons. I hate his continued existence and would dance if he died.

Thing is I have children and we share that name. I have had the name for 27 years, I didn’t feel changing my name would be the new start as much as the good life I have carved despite it being cursed by him. It is a name that suits me and the source of fond nicknames. It is my professional name, changing it in that context would open questions I choose not to discuss.

I don’t believe I gave any opinion as to whether it was a valid reason. I’ve been clear that I don’t think there is any logical reason to justify the majority of women choosing to change their names on marriage in the 21st century.

Why don’t more women change their names if they just don’t like them? Why do so many believe the babies they carry deserve their father‘s name rather than the mother’s (who literally gave her body up to them) regardless of whether they are married? Why do so many women think other women have no right to the name they chose if the relationship breaks down? Why don’t the men in the families with these terrible/unspellable/unpronounceable names keep them?

You seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder about this. For most women, it's not a problem, but you desperately want it to be one.

We have two (sensible) choices when we get married. We can take our husband's name (the choice taken willingly by almost every married woman I know), or keep our father's name.

Of course we also have the nonsense options that you have proposed, but I doubt many women will seriously consider any of them.

Don't you think it's strange given your jaundiced view of marriage, that so many women are still willingly entering into the married state? Could it be that for most of us it brings us happiness and fulfilment?

I think you protest too much. Does the annoyance and lecturing of women who - entirely reasonably - want to be married to and bear the name of the man they love come from it never happening for you? Or from a bad experience?

We are not all the same.

Let me fix this for you OP. The lady has kept her OWN name that she is legally allowed to use. Hope this helps.

I’ve been very happily married for almost 22 years. Only marriage because civil partnerships weren’t available to straight couples back then, but both DH and I saw it as two adults with their own identities choosing to commit legally to one another. Not a Disney “one-true-love” situation.

I wasn’t given away (because nobody owns me to give me away) and nor did I give up my public identify to be an association of the man I signed a contract with, just as he changed none of his identity for signing a contract with me. Neither of us would have considered that to be anything like a logical thing to do. I have no idea at all why I would want to be more directly associated with DH’s family than my own.

When we had DD, we wanted both branches of her family in her name, but it would have created 7 syllable double barrel if we did that. Without hesitation DH suggested she have my surname and his as a middle name. Because I did the actual hard work of growing her and getting her into the world safely.

I suspect most women change their names because of societal influences of romance (marriage being seen as some sort of validation) and commitment rather than any actual hard thinking about why that should an expectation for them but not their humans.

It’s such an odd thing to do given it’s generally she that shoulders the greatest risk if the marriage breaks down.

If you are truly happy in your rose garden, why are you so bothered about what other women are perfectly happy doing?

All your posts come across as bitter and resentful that other women don't live their lives as you seem to think they should.

I have my ex husband's surname as its the same as my kids

Pisses his affair partner girlfriend off so much but it's tough

Great and that suits you.

Doesn't mean other women's choices are wrong or that you are somehow better than them - which is how your posts have come across throughout this thread.

What are you peeved about, exactly?