I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

The government will house, feed and clothe the kids if the parents can't because it's not the kids fault they got born. Doing it this way is far cheaper than taking the kids into care, with all the resultant problems that causes, if they and the parents are homeless on the streets. It's simple economics, not sympathy for the parents. After the children reach age of 2, a single parent will be expected to work. If there's two parents one is expected to work from the beginning. You have got a massive chip on your shoulder about anyone claiming benefits that much is clear. The days of claiming income support and not working until the child reaches 16 were over long ago.

I shared with three others at first, and then worked up to a grotty little bedsit - but it was my grotty little bedsit and I was very proud indeed. 😁

I think that's great! But someone like OPs son who is probably a loner would find living with three others hell. It'd be like forcing someone who wanted independence and hated being stifled by family to stay living with them-they could do it but they'd be miserable the whole time. Maybe the sons happiness is by the by to some people though. Life is supposed to be misery after all!

However, at that time (1990s) culturally, among the yoof, there was an expectation that you would move out, an excitement about it, a right of passage.

People aren't excited about adult life because they've woken up to the BS of what their parents have inflicted on them-slogging away 40 hours a week for decades, paying bills etc. living in a tiny flat (might just as well live above work at least it'd save on transport) just to get nothing out of life. Adult life has nothing to offer-a holiday once or twice a year maybe to look forward to, otherwise it's just work. What's the point?

@Firefly1987

Young people seem to have turned their backs on cheap fun and hedonism. What happened to getting pissed, house parties, etc?

When I moved to London people would host house parties most weekends. Somebody would bring decks and you could have a great night out for the price of some supermarket booze and a couple of pills.

Now it seems everybody is obsessed with their curated Insta profiles and scared of having fun in case it ends up online. People in their twenties should be living for the weekends with their friends, not moaning about the 'injustice' of having to earn a living.

You do realise how incredibly privileged British people are to have shelter, warmth, reliable utilities and safe food just for turning up to work each day, don't you? What exactly do you think the 'natural state' of the world is? Free stuff falling from the sky?

You do realise how incredibly privileged British people are to have shelter, warmth, reliable utilities and safe food just for turning up to work each day, don't you? What exactly do you think the 'natural state' of the world is? Free stuff falling from the sky?

@ThisOldThang you could say that about anything though. Just because it's worse elsewhere doesn't mean it's enjoyable or worth it in Britain.

I'm saying you have to give them something to look forward to. If it's just warmth and shelter then I don't know why people are having kids? You don't need those things if you're not born!

Do you think the happiness of young people is more important than that of their parents, and that they have a right to stay in their childhood bedroom for as many years as they want?

The problem here is that for a generation now we've been bring up children with the lies that you can be whatever you want to be if you want it enough, and that everyone has a right to a job that they find interesting.

Lies, lies, lies.

The pact with society is that you do the best job that's available to you to pay for a roof over your head, food, clothes, bills and hope for a bit left over to have fun with.

What people like @Firefly1987 don't seem to understand is that when enough people renege on that contract with society, society fails.

So sorry for this heartbreaking situation 💔

No solutions here just sending love and strength

Maybe you could try finding someone who can mediate / negotiate between you both - family member/ counsellor for example and have a meeting all together

You re hanging around with the wrong people, the young people i know, including people on benefits, still go out and party.

Obviously not all but some never did "back in the day" either.

The problem is, everything is just so much more expensive, even an HMO, will take around 40 to 50% of a NMW job, thats before we get to food prices and the mandatory phone.

Back when i left home it was around 10% of my monthly wage, the driving test could be passed on a few lessons from your mum or dad, insurance was cheap, your mate could fix the car = freedom!!

Now only the better off can get a driving licence, let alone the costs of running one.

Many kids are bought up with zero aspiration, let alone someone telling them they can be whatever they want....

I think for many young people, there is no hope anymore.

I agree l could not see my DC being homeless, it's a difficult situation. Is there anyone he trust that could try to make him understand that he must find a job, accommodation etc

If parents aren't happy-don't have kids in the first place. No one asked them to.

Exactly what I was trying to get at! There is literally nothing to look forward to in adult life these days. I must be crazy for thinking life should be a tiny bit enjoyable! Short-term stuff like partying etc. can distract them a bit from the monotony of life, but where is the excitement for the future?

Not sure about this. I did the calculation out of interest, and to my surprise it comes out about the same, based on where I was living (earning min wage) 20 years ago. (Not a particularly cheap area.) Don't know where/when you were only paying 10% of your wage to rent a room! I paid 38%, and 12% for food. So 50% of income on absolute basics.

Comparing it to the same area now actually comes out, if anything, slightly cheaper as a % of minimum wage (based on renting a room in that area, plus what I spend on groceries as a single person). And the rooms look nicer! Including fridges/sofas/larger rooms.

I don't know about the cost of running a car, as I decided I didn't want to prioritise the funds back then. But I managed to save 20-25% of my income each week (was really careful!) so I think it would have been possible. Siblings had to pay for driving lessons, not just a few lessons from parents. A few friends ran cars but most of us did without, despite poor public transport. Phone contract only was probably more expensive than now (and didn't include internet!), I've always bought the phone itself separately, and latest is a refurb that as a % wasn't much more than phones back then.

I wonder if it's partly expectations that have actually changed? Perhaps young people feel really despondent going without the material things, rather than relishing their freedom?

Perhaps they don't feel they really have "freedom" because of the bleak future outlook and preparing for it - whereas we were encouraged to live in the moment and enjoy our youth (for eg. the money I saved went on backpacking - perhaps young people now feel the pressure to save for mortgage, future, not fun?)

Not sure it was terribly helpful being told we could be anything we wanted, in some ways. When the post-2008 recession hit and we were all out of work, those with degrees wondering why they'd got into debt to fight for a min wage job...
But we did have fun on a budget! House parties etc even when most were unemployed.

Feel like a very old person rambling now... but it is interesting to consider what's changed. Are middle aged people also less inclined to socialise (on a budget) than middle aged people 20 years ago?

TL;DR - I think the changes are just social, not particularly financial

@BidetBeforeDDay

I thought the same regarding rent. I remember visiting a school friend in London when I was at university. He was working full time and their two bedroom flat in Camden was £1200 a month - which seemed insane. That was almost 30 years ago, so I doubt there's much difference in prices when you account for inflation.

I think he needs to get a full time job. I dont know how he is forced to though. I dont think you can easily throw him out - he doesn't have funds and it isn't for the taxpayer to bank roll him?

Isnt for his mother to bamktoll him either Hes an ADULT