I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

Why on earth would you sell up when you can be happy in your own home and can afford it?

Children can leave home and live independently from age 16. Yours is an adult. And taking you for a ride. Change the locks. Tell him that’s what is gong to happen and bag his stuff up and then do it.

Either sell and buy a one bed and dont give him any of the money
OR get him to move out and let a room to a nice lodger.
Someone quiet and respectful with a regular income to top up your pension income.

Id be inclined to keep the house and get a lodger

He is 24 and an able bodied man with a good education (which he screwed up) he needs to get a job and stand on his own two feet.
The good news is minimum wage is a fairly decent salary these days.

@Christmascaketime You are spot on! He has godparents, and uncles whom have spoken to him. Most feel selling my home is harmful to me. Calling in the police is seen as drastic. He always seems to be on a path to progress, but one would say he is very unlucky in not securing a job in 18 months, but I see his effforts as luck-warm!

If your child was abusing you, taking advantage of you, smelling the house out, not respecting you and causing you to go into debt as you can’t afford to keep him then yes

I think she means that he could claim what used to be called Housing Benefit and is now the housing element of Universal Credit. At 24 he will be eligible for the lower rate single person allowance and then housing allowance at the rate of a room in a shared house/HMO. He can present as homeless to the council but the chances of being offered a council/housing association tenancy are pretty much nil

@Theoscargoesto The OP says that her pension isn’t covering her current costs though so downsizing would make her more financially comfortable.

Of course if her son worked and contributed to bills, her situation would be different, but he’s not.

This

Also in the same way you dont help gambler by paying their debts.
She isnt helping him woth this shes enabling him.

He is absolutely able.l to work he just knows he doesnt need to because he can abuse and sponge off his mother with zero cares given for the upset and hardship he is causing.

Sad situation. Would he attend any mediation with you? Assuming you don’t want to go no contact

Most working 24 year olds can’t afford to be independent. He is obviously struggling with life if he dropped out of university.
I would insist that he get a job, any job but I would not make him homeless.
if he is a disrespectful sod then you are partly responsible for not raising him to look after his personal items when he was young and trainable.
Sorry, I know that is harsh.

What a tough situation.

There is some crucial info missing about your son that would be helpful to know.

What happens when you talk to him about work and his plans? How does he react? What does he say?

What does he do with his time? Does he have friends/a social life? Has he worked before?

Does he have his own money? Where does he get it?

Do you have good friends of your own or other family around to support you?

Has he ever been physically abusive? When you say you feel it's a coercive and controlling situation, is there more going on than his refusal to move out? Are there other ways he is abusive towards you?

Your frustration really comes across and I feel for you.

You can get your peace and your home back. One way or another, it can get worked out. Don't give up hope.

This.

Also:
He can present as homeless to the council but the chances of being offered a council/housing association tenancy are pretty much nil

Hopefully one of his relatives will take him in for a bit…

Have you provided him with any practical help getting a job OP? Does he know where to start? Help him make a CV?

The lack of hygiene etc is maybe indicative of MH issues. Have you suggested he see the GP? What’s his general mood like?

You don't need to do any legal route, he has no right to be in your home. You could literally change the locks or get the police to remove him and he has no recourse.

Obviously that would break your relationship.

You own a 3 bed home and don't have much money, would you like to downsize? That would be a reasonable way to get rid of him with plenty of notice and a very firm deadline.

You know that he needs to get a job and fund himself, but you can't make him. Having a very firm date at which he will be homeless might make him take action.

Does he not get universal credit? That's not on NI contributions.

But, he needs to go if it's stressing you out so much and for so long. It may well be the end of your relationship though if you kick him out, but hopefully he will grow up one day in the future..

OP your posts are worded vaguely and a bit strange tbh .
Would you really want to put your son onto the streets homeless or does he have family he can crash with whilst he sorts longer term support .

I fear you may be on the path to permanently damaging your relationship with him - is that what you want ?

@EmeraldShamrock000 I can totally understand why you would say, I did not raise him to look after his personal items etc. but I did, over and over and over again!

You need to tell him the notice has expired. Then wait for him to go out. Then change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep.

Nothing else is going to shift him.

He will be entitled to housing support because he has not voluntarily made himself homeless. Whether he'll get it or not is not your problem.

He isn't going to change, if you want a retirement you are going to have to get very tough, and be prepared to lose all contact with him.

It's likely to be the making of him, imo, but it could also go badly the wrong way.

You're in an unenviable position, sorry.

I have four kids 22 to 33. All been and
completed uni ,got jobs and moved away from family home and enjoying life, my youngest in final 6 months and applying for jobs all over the country, it's still the uni holidays so currently balancing working in a fast food restaurant, writing assignments and revising.

💕He wants something he has to pay for it, hence has saved £3k to have a deposit on a flat/accommodation when he finds a job. I have been a single parent forever but have always worked and I fully understand how you now want to live your own life on your own terms. When my son was on a work placement from uni he paid £50 per week which just covered his food, I couldn't afford to keep him even when working never mind on a pension. He needs to claim universal credit, and housing help until he gets a job, he will have to apply for jobs to receive this help, at 24 he is more than capable, just pull the rug.
Good luck

I understand. I couldn’t sell up unless I could afford to pay rent for one year at least.
He needs a job, has he seen a gp? Definitely sounds lost.

This is not on @Tigerzmum how her son is acting now. She’s given him a good start in life

I’ve got 2 brothers we’ve all been brought up the same. One of them is an absolute sponge 2 of us aren’t. He’s moved back in with my mum aged 60 (mum in her 80's) and told family he’s going to live with me when my mum dies. Fuck that!

@Tigerzmum making him officially homeless now is the best thing you can do for both of you

🏆 For the most ridiculous comment so far.

You think his parent should "fund his life?"

@Tigerzmum I have raised a boy and a girl one left to go to uni and has followed her own path ever since. Number two stayed until he was 24. When he was ready to be independent.

in my wider family, nephews and nieces quite recently have moved out at 24 seems a natural age of independence to me.

You have every right at yours, and his age to basically say sod off i am no longer your keeper.

You are letting your son take the piss and tough love is required IMHO

legally he has no right to live at your house and you can chuck him out.

See it as tough love, doing him a favour, making him start to think about his adult life.

he will not do that as long as you accommodate his nonsense and whatever guilt trip he is putting you on.

get out of bed tomorrow morning with a resolve not to fanny about with this issue and do what meets your needs, your job as a mother is done.

Could he be interested in something like travel to 'exotic places' ? He
could probably do English teaching in countries in the Far East. I know someone who went to Vietnam at about that age and taught English (no training) - married a local and never left!

Why can’t he claim universal credit without the housing element?
Then he could contribute a bit to the food shop or something.

This reads as a very odd post to me.

From what you've written, nothing sounds coercively controlling. He just sounds fundamentally lazy.

You have two separate issues. First, you say your pension doesn't cover your outgoings, but you want to stay where you are. What would you do if your son moved out? How would you improve your financial position? Would you seek part time work? Is your home big enough to take in a lodger? If there's no way for you to improve your income/reduce your outgoings, then you don't really have a choice but to move somewhere where your money will stretch further.

Second problem is your son. There's either some sort of issue preventing him moving forward in life, or he's just a lazy sod. You don't need to say on here, but have you tried asking him if there is a problem? You mention he doesn't share anything with you; but you can't always wait for children to come to you. Sometimes they are just waiting for a "grown up" (even when they are grown ups themselves) to ask them what's wrong and help them figure things out.

If he's just a lazy sod...You asked him ot leave a year ago and he didn't. What did you do when he made no move to leave? You have since given him two weeks notice and, yet again, it doesn't look like he will leave. Your son is neither a minor nor a tenant. He has no rights to your home. There is no need to 'go down a legal route'. Change the locks. Pack up his stuff and either put it storage or take it to another relative's house, telling him where it is and what he needs to do before it is thrown out/destroyed. No, there is pretty much no support for anyone in the UK. He can, however, apply for universal credit. If he's as charming as you say, I'm sure another relative will take him in.

Your son has no rights to stay in your home as a bare licensee ...I would contact the local safeguarding team and ask for their help saying you are suffering coercive control and need help for him to leave (to see what they offer, they are always having awareness campsigns about ...sorry...elder abuse) or perhaps go to the next police community liaison meeting (super regular here) and ask for assistance. If these aren't helpful ask your local councillor to lean on these services who do enough awareness events about the issues..to make a lack of action embarrassing to them. Really good luck 🍀