I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

My reading of the situation is the OP is trying to show she's already sacrificed a lot to send her son to private school when she was a single parent, and already spent a lot of time and energy facilitating his schooling, two lots of uni (which he dropped out of) and now has been paying for him to live to age 24 with nothing back, even in terms of just sharing the load at home or even keeping things tidy.

It's very important he doesn't carry on in this entitled way for ever, as it won't be tolerated by other people, like flatmates, or a partner, who strangely aren't queueing up for men who live with their mums and treat them badly, don't pay and don't have a job.

In an ideal world, the OP's son would have other supportive adults around him, it sounds like he has uncles and other family members, he may be depressed, but sitting at home, not working (not volunteering, going part-time or claiming UC) and probably gaming night and day won't lift his depression for sure.

You can love someone without enabling them, and letting someone live in your home for ever with no requirement to pay, clean, work or contribute is enabling, and won't shift him towards independence. She's tried the softly softly approach, it's not worked, she's running out of those options.

Why can’t he get a job?

@SENhelp50 you’re not the thread police and you can’t possibly diagnose a stranger on the basis of a few lines typed on a screen. A few people have “agreed” with my post so I’m not alone in my opinion.

I imagine in the last year more women had to deal with difficult adult sons than actually get murdered though.

Honestly, OP, I'd put my house on the market and find a lovely one-bed in a nice area. Make it clear you're moving there alone. Someone in my family did this because her 30-year-old son showed no signs of moving out and she couldn't face the aggro. Did him a favour as he finally found himself a girlfriend (now his wife) and got on with his life.

I know. I just pointed it out because some women can't see beyond sons as , vulnerable children full of potential, and are so judgey towards women who don't have adult sons like that.

You what? is that meant to be a description of me? It's pretty inaccurate just so you know.

He’s your boy , go give him a hug ask him how you and your extended family and clever friends can help him.For all the education in Buckinghamshire and all the wonderful tutoring and blah blah blah,,he probably just needs his mum . Not to judge, just to help . Or yeah kick him out, because he’ll do just fine on his own with all the life skills you have shown him . Take a look at yourself.

OP can you elaborate on your son’s shortcomings? Have read your responses but still not sure about the issues .

I definitely wouldn’t be selling my home.

"Charmingly difficult".
What exactly do you mean by this OP?

It sounds very much like he might be depressed it's very common after uni,they finish on a high and then it's real life and really easy to get very down if you haven't got an immediate work plan.

I strongly suggest you don't do this if you actually want to build bridges and have a relationship with your son.

I was in this situation with my son when he was 18 and again when he was 23..
I am 67.

He just sat and played xbox all-day paid no rent etc.
On both occasions I found him a flat and I found him a job , helped him pack.
He is now 33 and I maybe see him once every couple years which is fine
He was controlling and life was no fun.

Frustrating lack of information from the OP.

So why should his mother fund his life while he takes the piss out of her? He's not a child or even a teenager

He won't pay for it ... we will (tax payers)

He can claim uc, contribution or not as a adult wouldn't be able to claim hosing elements as lives with you

I didn't say it was necessarily a good idea, but it might be the only one that gets her son out of the house without a court order, and ensures he doesn't end up on the street. If those are the two most important things to the OP.

Take in a lodger into your third bedroom for a year or two.
Choose someone who is meticulous, pays rent on time and has a regular job.
I think your son needs a role model. He is exposed to just you and you have not been effective in teaching him independence.
State, every month that DS's rent is due. Mark in a very visible spot, chores for him and lodger to do. ie their own washing, cooking for everyone once per week, putting out bins and keeping their room cleaned and bathroom tidy.

Remind DS that he is to move out in XX weeks time.
He will be needing to find accommodation and a job.
Helphim look for both - ie a chicken farm labouring job with housing included.

Interview for a second lodger - with help from first lodger who will also have to share a house with them.

When time is up; pack up son into the garage and move second lodger in. Change the locks.

Ask a confident male relative to insist that DS comes to stay with him for a long weekend. (Need help with garden bed etc)
Ask male relative to spell out that your DS needs to progress in leaving home and getting a job.
Organise for an independent career advisor to visit DS while he is staying with his relative.
Ask male relative to check in with DS weekly as to his progress. It has reached a point where you are not effective and you are becoming ill.

Nonsense. He is not the OP's responsibility at 24.

Join DS to .. House Sitters UK.

I read that as a polite way of saying he's manipulative.

You can't be serious?

He is 24 years of age.

He needs to leave home.

It is the only way for him to develope and maintain some self esteem.

As he is not inclined to give up his comfort, or abide by simple house rules, he needs to be nudged, followed by a little hand hold, followed by a a little shove, followed by a bigger shove, and ending with a push if needed.

Millions, literally millions, of young people do that every year the world over.

Why not him?