I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

My dd had an EHCP. She started uni last September. The support has been crap tbh. No special support for those who had an EHCP. It’s just like a cliff edge.

I know of a situation where a school leaver failed to launch and still, now in his mid thirties, lives at his mum’s 2 bed, rural, council property without contributing a thing to the household or to society.
He has never, ever worked in twenty years.
He shuts himself off in his box room, refuses to talk about his situation, uses his bit of universal credit to buy weed, and to pay for his phone, is aggressive at times when challenged, has not a single friend nor any interests, is unhygienic, unhealthy and rarely leaves the house. He signs on when necessary and proves he has sent off his scant cv to warehouse type jobs country wide, none of which he could ever get to. Nobody at the job centre helps coach him towards a work life, they hardly acknowledge him in fact, he’s just a number to them, a failure. He has fallen through every net.
His pensioner uncle tried to get him a supermarket job years ago by taking him in there and asking to talk to the manager but he had no enthusiasm and no idea how to conduct himself. So his uncle then paid him to do odd maintenance jobs for him and his neighbours to try to help spark him off to earn some sort of living that way, but to no avail.
He is a lost soul with very little hope now, too set in his routine. It’s a very sad life for him, he’s missed out on so much.
His mum, with health issues herself, has always worked part time cleaning in the local care home and has become used to always being in debt and going home to a sink full of dirty dishes where he helps himself to her food when she’s out working. Getting him to ‘leave home’ would be putting him out on the streets as a homeless person, vulnerable to serious addiction and all that goes with it. In spite of her depression and weariness, she refuses to do that. She can only just keep herself going and often needs bailing out by her brother and friends.

OP, I agree this is an urgent situation for you and your DS where you can’t risk delaying any further.
Please turn to your family for help and to give you a break from him. You can no longer be effective in helping him. He isn’t listening to you or respecting you for now. He has been spoon fed his very privileged education but twice, couldn’t cope with university studies and living away from his safe home. That should be a clue to how he must be feeling behind the bravado. Maybe the collective network and understanding wisdom of your family and friends can come up with ideas to help guide him and nudge him out of his comfort zone, before he becomes too settled in his very narrow, unrewarding, lonely life pattern.

i know your son isn’t claiming benefits but even if he were, my feeling is that, in spite of this government’s pledges to help people off benefits and into work, that message doesn't filter down in any constructive way to the civil servants dealing with job seekers. It’s always down to families to intervene and try to support.

Op, what did your son study at university?
If someone offered him a job, would he accept it? Would he continue to go? or would he drop out of that?

I know someone whose 26-year-old still lives at home and has no job. He did go to university and with difficulty finished it - computer science- but hasn’t been able to find a job. He has top GCSEs and A levels. He now barely leaves his bedroom. He is autistic, so that makes things even more difficult, and is of course now depressed.

There actually aren’t many jobs around these days. My DD was made redundant recently, and it was very hard to find another job. Six months of looking and applying for things.

I am so sorry you're having to endure this.

I think this is more common than people acknowledge. Often hidden as families are embarrassed. You can see how situation arises, yp drops out if uni or returns home after graduation and parents pussyfoot for a while, it’s a difficult job market, maybe they are depressed, maybe ND etc. Then suddenly they are age 23/24/25 and no prospects or motivation to move on.
The shame part of sponging off your retired mother seems to have gone.
I’ve read another post on a different forum today with a 23 yr old male not working, halfheartedly applying for graduate schemes, blaming mum for his degree choice, yet she’s fully funding him. Talk about biting hand that feeds you.
I recruit entry level graduates and am shocked each time to receive applications with virtually nothing on cv. Usually mediocre A levels, low ranking uni and absolutely nothing. I’m talking 22,23 yr olds without a scrap of paid work on cv and no volunteering, no positions in uni societies, no work experience etc. We review them all (no HR or AI sift) It’s always males. Needless to say they don’t meet criteria for interview.
Are mums more indulgent of young male adults? Do females perhaps find it easier to pick up customer facing work which in turn gives them a leg up to get graduate roles.
Allowing situation to carry on indefinitely does them no favours.
I think there’s too much store in finding perfect job or a graduate roles. They need to consider anything inc agency or temp work. If living at home it’s doable. There are roles out there. Just looking on my council website there are numerous unskilled positions eg police station cleaning anti social hours, min wage, needs police vetting - that’s been on for ages it’s not going to be awash with applications. Lots of care roles inc casual where they provide full training - children’s homes or elderly, need clean dbs. Kitchen work. Petrol station near me always has nights advertised. Bus driving - they’ll pay to train you.

Suggest look at
HIkikomori in Japan

Young people nowadays are much emotionally younger than what they used to be

@Uhghg I agree with this in general.

I’m lucky that my DD (20) is emotionally mature, more so than I was at 20. I think it’s because she’s always known that she’s expected to make her own way in the world, whereas my parents were less clear (and involved) with me! Setting expectations isn’t always a bad thing.

@FlyHighLikeABird Thank you for taking the time to write. He does not share, or open up to me in an honest fashion, so I do not get a complete picture from him. So he is hard to advise. I send him to the library most week days. I once checked up on him and found him playing games online. He does have a zero contract job, in a restaurant. Approximately 3 days a month.

@Liftedmeup I work in IT and am in a position to create a job for him at home; Even if I don't pay him cash. I would see his board and lodgings a payment. I have discussed this with him, but he does not adhere to working for me in a professional manner. (i.e. agile practices, morning scrums, literally following IT frameworks for work, time deadlines). I "sacked" him in the first week.

@LAMPS1 Thank you.

OP you do not have to put up with him and you don’t need to pay anyone to go through a legal process. You can wait till he leaves, change the locks and refuse him entry. You and he would have to arrange for a suitable time / method for him to collect his belongings. That’s it.
You should be aware though, as a healthy young man, if no friends or family take pity on him he could see a period of street homelessness. His council will help but only to an extent.
However, he should already now qualify for universal credit, including help towards housing costs, if he can secure a room somewhere.
I’d suggest maybe changing your locks, giving him the fright of his life and then letting him back in ‘temporarily’ whilst he looks for an alternative - with a deadline of 4 weeks. Don’t give him new keys. Remind him daily of his deadline, help him make an application for UC, for homeless help and for alternative housing and if you see no change I his attitude and he is not really trying, once your deadline has passed don’t open the door to him.

Who is paying for his gaming op? Even if equipment is old or a birthday gift they need to buy games and often need ongoing subscriptions etc.
What would happen if you went on holiday for a fortnight and turned off WiFi and left no food in.
Myself and my colleague privately joked that the ones with zero on cv have been sitting around in their pants gaming but I suspect we were spot on with most of them. Not knocking gaming as a hobby as part of a balanced life.

@OP you describe yourself as living off your pension and now you say you work in IT... seems like your son isn't the only one who doesn't like to share too much! Has he got friends or any local support network? Where's his dad in all this?

Something is going wrong in society when you have increasing numbers of entitled young adults failing to engage or take responsibility. They blame it on expensive housing but the root cause is lack of discipline and no boundaries. Even decades ago young adults were not buying houses straight out of education, no they were living in a rented room. The difference then was they wanted to grow up and experience all aspects of adult life. Too many now want to pick and choose adult life which isn't an option.

It's this, I see so much of it around me.

I was watching a BBC archive programme yesterday about a cheaper London flat share in 1965, in an average area. It was four young women from middle class families, who all had gone there for work. The occupants changed over time from the original four, as one left here or there when their life changed and so another moved in. All were at various ages in their 20s. All pitched in with the cleaning rota, rent and bills. Some had boyfriends or were engaged, some were single, some went "home" to their families at the weekends. The rented flat was small, uncluttered (nobody appeared to have an excess of possessions or home décor items), but nice. They all socialised, together and separately and got along just fine. It was a 2 bedroom flat. Can you imagine that these days?!

People so often won't accept less than the entire flat to themselves now, not just a bedroom. And they want to own it, regardless of whether they can afford that. There's this notion that even siblings living under the parent's roof shouldn't have to share a room, that it's tantamount to neglect and so the sense of entitlement creeps in young. People spend their spare time shopping instead of socialising and have so much stuff it's unreal. So many want to bypass the trials and tribulations of youth and skip straight to the "successful fully independent adult" stage of life, when they're barely out of their teens. Many are so babied and overindulged at home that they have no incentive to move out and refuse to until they can afford a home of the same calibre and the lifestyle to match. It's frankly ridiculous.

There's a loneliness epidemic because people spend all their time online. These four women flat sharing said one of the benefits, apart from making friends with your flat mates and work colleagues, is that your social circle automatically quadrupled when you moved into the flat and over time were introduced to the other women's friends.

I recall being surprised when I was told that the 'hall of residence' student accommodation for my SGD was actually a shared flat for a group of 4 students, but with an en suite bedroom for each student. It may vary, however?

When I was at uni, it was either a double room or a single (if you were lucky) and showers and toilets at the end of the landing. There do seem to be higher expectations these days. That's not a bad thing, but the downside is that anything less than perfection seems to be viewed as unacceptable.

When I was still working in a Scottish high school, I recall senior pupils telling me that they would not be paying their parents dig money when they started working - in fact, they were offended at the suggestion that they should.

As far as I can see he is: A lazy self-centered individual who is a complete user of other people. Everyone in the family is running around him and making him feel important. This has happened because that is what has been enabled by most of you throughout his life. He will always be like this and never change. Even if you put him out of your home he will find some sympathetic individual and latch on to them.

All you can do now with this Brat is get rid of him out of your home. I know he is your son but he is a leech that has to be detached from you. He is sucking all the love and joy out of your life. This has to stop now for your own peace of mind.

I am sorry that this is a harsh post for you to read, but you really need to protect your own life now.

@rainonfriday yes I saw a clip of that archive and it was working women on their 20s. One was leaving to get married and new lady replied to an advertisement, came over to meet them and moved in.
When we went to uni my husband was in a shared room (there were even some triple shares) I was on a corridor of 8 girls and one shared communal bathroom and it was fine. I revisited recently and it had been converted into en-suite. The only en-suite block was brand new and full of rich international students when I was there.
My dc chose cheapest halls accommodation recently (12 sharing 3 bathrooms) and it was fine. Yet I’ve seen comments from parents so upset their dc has been allocated this.
York responded recently to complaints about accommodation costs and the uni were saying 80% actually applied for the higher cost en-suite.
Some unis do offer shared but I don’t think it’s very popular - Leicester, Exeter catered. I’ve already seen a post about someone fretting their DD will be allocated shared at Durham for September 26.
I do think the move the self catering from catered and to en-suites has really cut down the interaction opportunities.

What a rotten situation for you OP. You've had a lot of good advice on here and I think you have to wake up tomorrow morning either the mindset that things change from now.

Collect info on UC, housing help, etc etc to present to DS. Then I'd rope in a family member to be with you when you sit him down and give him a formal leaving date @ComtesseDeSpair had some good phrases to clarify that he does not have any automatic right to remain. Get a solicitor's letter to sum it all up if that might help make it real for him.

And then stick to it. Family member back on leaving day, locks changed.

It won't be pretty but can you live the rest of your life like this, because it could come to that if your DS has no desire to move on himself. Good luck OP. 💐

Another enabling poster saying his Mother should research UC: Why? He is the one who will be claiming and needs to take responsibility for himself.

Yes. He should be doing all this himself. Not expecting other people to do it all.

Sharing 'digs' like rooms was more common then, when I started out I had a bedsit with a kitchen/fridge and shared loo. My mum shared at college with three other girls in one room, there were shared rooms at my uni.

It kind of makes sense from the young person's perspective: if you want to live a nice comfortable middle-class life immediately, then just stay at home. It saps thetir motivation though to get on the first rung of the ladder.

You need very little to live on if your mum pays all bills and food and for the internet.

He can get by on 3 days a month at a restaurant because he's facilitated by the OP.

He can still keep those three days on UC, you have to earn a lot not to be entitled to UC, a lot more than he's getting anyway, although he will have a 50% deduction.

The worst thing you can do for adult children is make life too easy and nice to take away their motivation for their own achievements; they feel hollow and know it's not their own as well, so it's not a win for either party.

😂"enabling poster" 😂

It's called "getting all your ducks in a row" because it forstalls any "Oh but I don't know how to get/claim/access" etc etc. 🙄

OP hands him the info and say "You do now"

It's not rocket science that when you have someone who may find obstacles not to go you present solutions first.

Please do see my reply to@WatalotIgot

And I doubt he is "expecting other people to do it for him" ...... I think it's far more likely he's expecting not to have leave!!

@ThisOldThang I don't understand how it has come to this with my son. I did not spoil him, but he was seen to be very loved by all. I had a big social circle and large family, but live away from them in a lovely village, with a local church. I was also very comfortable. I did not intend to be a single parent. -But did not shrink on giving my son the grounding and foundation that would give him a great start. Funds became tight but I felt my spending on my son would pay off. Having tight funds limits what I have been able to spend on socialising.
Prioritising attention on my son has created an entitled young man who does not feel he has a responsibility to give back and I don't necessarily mean financially. I may have a contract shortly, emotionally, I need to be able to do the work and keep this contract.

@Tigerzmum

To be honest I was maybe a lower level version of your son in my early twenties. My mother had died during my teens and my brother has brain damage due to being runover.

Looking back on things I was depressed, but I'm starting to think that I have undiagnosed autism and ADHD. The more I think back to my childhood, the more blatant symptoms/behaviours I remember.

I did exceptionally well at GCSEs, but really struggled with changing school for A-Levels and then university. There wasn't the structure I needed and I just couldn't cope with the freedom.

After university I just didn't know that to do. I ended up living at my dad's and working a shit job for less than McDonald's wages at an insurance company.

My dad had originally said I could stay for free. After a year, he presented me with a bill for £1200 back rent.

I ended up moving to London and sleeping on a friend's floor until I found a flat share.

I now earn £100k, own a 5 bedroom home in Zone 4 and have a wife and two kids. .

I never did pay my dad that £1200. 😉