I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

But why does it have to be the end of the relationship though?

The end of the current status quo is a good thing.

A more adult relationship grows in its place - again, good.

He needs to go.

He does not want to, for whatever reason.

The OP will have to show some real parental strength. Make the hard choice. Be cruel to be kind.

It does not have to be hyperbolic lock changing.

But he does have to move out.

In my opinion, ignoring it and letting him stay, is neglect.

Am I being unfair I recently had my benefits paid in full rent im also on pip my son moved in helped pay some towards electric and mony for room I was getting full benefits he was paying more they were there as a couple he didn't think he shoul pay for room now I had full benefit he said they saved me from paying for bedroom so I was better off any way why should they pay

I can't understand what you've written. Please use capital letters and full stops.

You were U to send your son to private school when you hadn’t funded your pension. What were you thinking?

be firmer with your son. Give him a deadline to move out. If he won’t listen, get some male friends round the day he’s supposed to move out. They can help

Who is going to get him out?

You’d do better to start your own thread.

I certainly can. And I will continue to do so. OP knows. I don't really need to say any more.

Very few people from what I see with my friends, or on this thread, kick their kids out at 18, I know only one person who did it and that was someone abusive/neglectful with addiction issues, the vast majority of parents are too much the other way, carrying on paying for, helping and accommodating their adult children often into their twenties and thirties. The most sensible way is to support them towards independence, that way the parents get some of their life back and their children get the satisfaction of being a functioning adult rather than being in the child role their whole lives (which is very disempowering and stressful as you don't know if you can cope on your own).

It simply isn't true everyone is abandoning their kids at this age, I think about 1/3 of over 21s live with their parents now, so it's not typical at all.

What if the parents can't afford to let their young adults live at home? Let's face it parents are subbing their kids if they live at home. Parents may be low wage high mortgage and undergone many sacrifices to bring up their children.

SON DAUGHTDER in Law MOVED IN WITH ME I HAD BEEN PAYING .. BEDROOM TAX MY BENEFIT WAS PAiD IN FULL BECAUSE THE ROOMS WERE. BEiNG USED HE. PAIID 100 PER MONTH FOR2 ANÐ HALF ELECRIC he WANTED TO NOW WHY HE WAS. PAYING 1OO ON TOP WAS THERE IDEA ,STOPED ONE MONTH COS We ARGUED HE. GOT A ABUSiVE THEY. HAVE. LEFT. NOW BUT I FEEL I WAS ASKING TO p ULL THERE WAIGHT. AND PAY THERE BIT

But why does it have to be the end of the relationship though?

Too tired to see them after working 40 hours a week probably. Why would he waste his precious time off work, especially if he is not welcome in the house? Maybe a phone call at xmas. Why would you keep up a relationship with someone who has made it clear you're on your own?

But he does have to move out.

I agree he has to get a job and treat OP with respect I just think it's sad to want your kids out otherwise-some people enjoy time with family (at least when the family actually likes them!), not everyone is an extrovert who would love to live with their friends. So instead he'll probably be on his own in some grotty little bedsit thinking wow even my mum hates me I've got no one. 24 is not even that old these days-I'll bet most are still living at home at that age. The people who are so smug about moving out early were in relationships-I can almost guarantee it. It's not so easy for single people.

Gosh @Firefly100 that is really worst case scenario.

My parents told my brother and me to move out.

We knew they not mean that our relationship was over, simply that it was time to find our own independence.

I shared with three others at first, and then worked up to a grotty little bedsit - but it was my grotty little bedsit and I was very proud indeed. 😁

However, at that time (1990s) culturally, among the yoof, there was an expectation that you would move out, an excitement about it, a right of passage.

We knew it would not be glam but that was part of it.

Now - the expectation is not to do that.

I for one, do not see that as a good thing.

What is wrong with you? Typing all capitals is shouting. Just don't.

Nothing you have written has anything whatsoever to do with the OP and her situation with her son. If you want advice on your own situation then start your own thread.

Also - when the previous poster said use full stops, they meant at the end of sentences, not randomly inserted wherever 🙄

Throwing your kid out at 18 before they have a good job, savings etc is setting them up to live in poverty and really does signal the end of the relationship. I dont know why people bother having kids if they are going to abandon them as soon as they reach 18. Most people move back online with their parents after uni to so save money for their own house.

Firefly you're being ridiculous.

He has to move out because he refuses to get a job or treat OP with respect. If he was doing those things he wouldn't have to move out! There's zero ways OP can force him to get a job or pay his way. Zero. He's an adult and she has no control over him because of that, her having any say in his behaviour ended when he turned 18.

She's already been trying for over a year to persuade him nicely to come round to her way of thinking, that he needs a full time job and to contribute financially, that he needs to step up and be a decent person. All to no avail. She's out of options now. He's not going to move out willingly, he has no real income, no references, no deposit, so nobody's going to accept him as a tenant for his own place and with his attitude he's never going to agree to flat share. So changing the locks while he's out is likely to be the only way.

If he doesn't want to be "hated" he needs to not be an arsehole then! He is sponging off his mother who is going into debt to fund his lifestyle, all because he refuses to claim UC and pay his way. He is being totally unreasonable. If one person lives off someone else putting that person into debt, I think it's unfair for them to expect to be liked, that's not likeable behaviour.

You keep going on about their relationship ending if OP kicks him out. Well so what?! It's already effectively ended due to his behaviour in sponging off her. He's the one that's caused the breakdown in their relationship. He's making her ill. There's no benefit to being in a relationship with anyone, whether that's a spouse or anyone else, if to keep the relationship going you have to tolerate being abused.

He should have been claiming UC, paying his way and complying with the job seeking terms to continue receiving the UC each month. He's 24, it's not a child, the OP has no legal responsibility for him now. If he's still living with her in his 20s he needs to recognise she's doing him a favour and be grateful for that, not be abusive towards her and act entitled.

And people who's parents are living hand-to-mouth themselves also have to pay their own way while they save up. If that means they can't save up for home ownership deposit then so be it.

Parents don't have to live destitute themselves just because their kids don't fancy renting, flat sharing or being skint.

Plenty of people don't even go to university because they need to move out or because they need a full time job, because they need to start paying towards the parent's rent if they're staying there.

Not all parents are homeowners. You have a very middle class way of looking at everything, not everyone is in that situation.

Plenty of people who goes to university funds themselves entirely, with loans/grants/work and zero help from parents, because the parents can't help them because they don't have any money spare to help the children with.

OP has already said she can't afford her bills and is getting into debt. If her son moves out that's less water bill, 25% council tax discount, less gas and electricity bills, less food to buy. It has to be done. She has to make outgoings match income. She's also said she has an offer of work which she'd like to accept but won't be able to do the work with him there stressing her out and being a git 24/7.

You keep going on about their relationship ending if OP kicks him out. Well so what?! It's already effectively ended due to his behaviour in sponging off her. He's the one that's caused the breakdown in their relationship. He's making her ill. There's no benefit to being in a relationship with anyone, whether that's a spouse or anyone else, if to keep the relationship going you have to tolerate being abused.

@rainonfriday well OP might mind about that, but if not then agree it's best for both of them-a clean break. OP said she likes being alone anyway. Thing is if he still refuses to get a job then he'll be sponging off the taxpayer who had no hand in bringing him into the world. And WHERE is the dad in all this?!

It's not about OP liking to be alone or not, it's about her deserving not to be in an abusive situation. She could have friends over a lot or to stay, if she was less stressed. Or have a housemate lodger who behaves decently, if she didn't like living alone, or pursue a romantic live-in relationship. It's not a choice between her-son-and-her or nothing else.

He won't be able to sponge off "the taxpayer", it's a myth that people who don't want to work can sit forever on benefits. All he's eligible for is UC as a job seeker and person on a low wage. He'll be expected to put a lot of effort into increasing his earnings and if he doesn't comply he'll have his benefits cut, which will eventually mean he can't pay his rent wherever he ends up living and then he'll end up homeless. If it turns out there's something going on medically, as some posters have suggested, and he persues that, he could possibly end up on sickness benefits if he's judged unfit to work by the DWP, in which case he wouldn't be sponging he'd be entitled to the support. He'd have to do a lot more than just get diagnosed with something though, there's a lot of hoops to jump through. People really are forced to comply with the terms of the benefits these days.

OP obviously doesn't want to say anything about the father or his whereabouts and there's nothing she can do about forcing him to be part of his son's life anyway, even if she knows who/where he is and assuming he's someone who would be a positive influence in a person's life. You keep getting at her but you need to remember she doesn't owe you any explanation for who the father is or the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy or any information about her life at all. For all we know he could be some kind of criminal that would only lead her son down a worse path than the one he's on. Or he could have passed away young. Or he could just be disinterested like so many men are. There's no guarantee that the child would have grown up with a better attitude if his father was in his life. You're acting as if the OP has deliberately and without good reason excluded his father from his life, when we've no way of knowing if that's the case at all.

Again, encouraging your child to leave home at 18 is a good thing,

Letting them move home again to save is also a good thing.

Letting a 20 something year old live at home while he works three days a month, and spends the rest of his time gaming, is really bad parenting.

None of the above is abandonment.

Actually, he is 24.

Really bad parenting. Right. 🙄

Easy to say, not your son, people thrown out like this, can end up in shelters, on the street, drugs or worse.

If he worked, perhaps on a job centre scheme that are sometimes available for the long term unemployed, he would be out of the house during the day and he'd have routine and able to contribute to costs, save and potentially move out.

I'm glad i'm not in the OPs situation.

I don't think English is OP's first language, hence the awkwardness of her wording.

I wouldn't involve wider family as not their responsibility but no matter how acrimonious the split I would engage with your son's father. He needs to step up as a male role model.

Or she could just get pregnant-then she'd get a house.

Young, single, childless=you're on your own, very little support
Parent=you don't have to be a responsible adult, we'll give you a house and feed and clothe your kids if you can't because none of your choices are your fault and you're a victim

Double standards

And I'm not having a pop at OP she's obviously done amazing to raise him entirely alone. I'm having a pop at the failure of a father (presumably) and asking why he hasn't stepped up. I'm sure people will say the son won't have been the least bit affected by not having a dad around, but he's probably feeling abandoned by him. Depending on the circumstances of course, I can only speculate if OP won't share. If he's died or something that's a totally different matter (mine had by 24) but I feel OP might've mentioned that.