I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

Why do you expect so little from a 24 year old?

Some adult children just fail to launch for differing reasons.

He is either lazy, or may have MH issues or perhaps he’s just a bit clueless as to how to take the next step into the world of employment.
If you have spent part of your income on funding private education and have still managed to buy a 3 bed home…then I take my hat off to you!
Presumably you had a well paid career and if so, why are you relying solely on a state pension. Surely, you have a workplace pension to supplement SP.

You son has had 2 placements at Uni, so he will have acceptable levels of standard and A level grades. As a mum (despite being frustrated with his behaviours) perhaps help him look for a role within the Civil Service. It take only 5 mins…I’ve looked and there are a minimum of 3 within Buckinghamshire.

Personally, I think your son now needs a very firm hand and strong guidance to enter the workplace. No more of behaving like a truculent teenager and unwilling to discuss issues that need to be discussed.

I genuinely hope you both find a solution without making him homeless…but if all else fails, then that maybe what needs to be done…but this may break him.

Sorry for your troubles ❤️

This is a bit sad. You seem to only have each other and your son is obviously struggling with adult life. However he does need a kick in the ass to get him moving so you're completely right to put him under pressure . He needs to start paying his way and obeying your rules. Has he any skills or anything he likes/is good at? Any job will do for now while he learns/upskills. Unfortunately he needs to learn that he can't rely on you forever .

It sounds as if your ds could be neurodivergent. I get it op. I have a year 12, 17 yo dd, who needs an inordinate amount of input but fails totally to see what’s going on with her. Not only has she been at private school since the start of year 9 because she couldn’t access state secondary education, but she is needing private tutoring in 2 of her 3 A levels (just started on the second), not because of her intelligence as she is very bright, but because her lack of confidence and demand avoidance (likely pathological demand avoidance, PDA) is stopping her from being able to provide positive self talk.

What happened with your ds and university seems similar to what is happening with my dd. He’s failed twice in his eyes and if he has PDA then he’s decided this is now his life, and you’re going to have a hell of a time persuading him otherwise because he won’t listen. Because he can’t listen. His brain won’t let him.

I know you’re wiped out financially. Idk what that looks like. If you can spare cash and (importantly) if he will engage, I would look to pay for an ASD assessment for him. You’ll need to be careful how you put that to him. Mums of kids with PDA can likely help with the wording to discuss this with him that you can write out and learn btw. The cost for my dd’s assessment is £2100 and for this, she will have a diagnosis (if they think she has ASD), recognised by the NHS (ie recognised by the state). This way you can get him to leave and he will have assistance.

If he won’t agree to assessment, I imagine you’re going to have to get incredibly tough with him because he’s taken a firm decision not to take responsibility for himself and to remain the permanent child. He isn’t thinking about you. Only about himself. He isn’t able to think about you. He needs a shock to the system for something to change. Up until now you’ve made idle threats. He’s not taking it seriously.

So you will have to take it seriously and follow through. This means eg giving him a one month notice in writing. Tell him he will no longer live with you after one month. Remind him daily that this is happening so that he knows what to expect. And that he is choosing not to engage with getting an assessment and asking him to leave is for his own good as he can’t languish in your house forever more as you can’t afford it anymore. And when the month is up, change the locks and mean it. He will find somewhere to go by the sound of it. It will possibly be sofa surfing with friends and family, who will then get bored of him and eventually he will work it out. He’s a bright young man.

You don’t sound at all like a stately homes mum btw, apart from the I sacrificed everything for him comments. But I know where you’re coming from. You’re exasperated that all of your efforts and money are being wasted. I totally get that. My dd is scared of failure, made herself ill over her mocks and avoided studying for them because she persuaded herself she is a failure. This results in her telling me she doesn’t care about getting into university (she does). That she doesn’t care if she doesn’t get her A levels (ditto). That if she doesn’t get into university she will go and live in Paris or Thailand (I have explained the caveats to that). That she wanted to drop out and go to college and I’m forcing her to go to school (she wouldn’t have coped at college). This is a tiny snapshot and it’s exhausting.

Both my adults sons went through a phase where they were absolutely awful to live with and I couldn't wait for them to move out. It's sheer luck really, that they ended up in a situation where they could.

If I'd changed the locks on them they'd have broken back in. And then what? I call the police on them? They have ID to prove it's their home. Meanwhile the relationship is destroyed, and I'd have to listen to people like many on this thread (who haven't been in the situation and never will be) telling me what a heartless awful mother I am.

Yes but why should his mum fund it at 24?

My 20 year old is the same. Vaguely menacing. Has smashed windows in anger. I am desperate for him to leave.

It sounds as though OP is living in poverty due to her son. If she only has her state pension, supporting another adult is beyond her financial means. His behaviour towards her is obviously making her depressed.

He has evidently had a very pampered upbringing with no expense spared on private schools and extra-curricular activities. If he treated OP with respect in her home and made a genuine attempt to find any sort of paid employment, I doubt that she would be contemplating throwing him out. She has obviously reached the end of her tether.

Start by cutting costs. Only buy the minimum of food, no biscuits and snacks. Give him notice you can't pay for his phone next month. Turn it off.
Stop paying for him. Turn the hearing off in the day.

Turn off the WiFi at home. Or pay for it and don't give him access ever. What's he doing all day and night?

Tell him if he won't or can't work, he needs to volunteer daily. He can join the army reserves. He isn't stupid, by the sound of it, so it's a choice. It doesn't matter what job he takes, as long as its not remote:) he can always leave and do something else.

Perhaps he needs to go and live with an uncle for a few months? If by end Jan nothing has changed, perhaps he will. In the meantime, close your purse.

It was a foreign story reported in the UK media. Why isn't it relevant? Should I have censored that detail to protect your delicate sensitivities? Would you have cared if he'd been French or American?

Indeed. For additional context, I think the father was a judge and the son was a lawyer. The father was actually quite complimentary about the son's legal arguments.

I've tried to find the story, but haven't managed it.

OP, can you provide some further information/clarification about the behaviours you referred to in your OP:

'He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.'

As you are a pensioner, you can speak to Age Concern to get some advice about dealing with this difficult situation. Financially, the situation is untenable as it is difficult enough for pensioners to survive on the state pension alone, without having to support another adult on that money.

He isn't eligible for contribution-based JSA but he should definitely be entitled to Universal Credit. Please speak to Citizen's Advice for advice.

If he was able to accept some financial support via UC and agreed to make a contribution to the bills and other living costs, would you be happy to let him stay if he also made a genuine attempt to find employment? If he is in receipt of UC, he should be given a job coach and will need to apply for a specified number of jobs every week.

He's not a tenant; he doesn't have a contract. You can just change the locks. Moving to a one-bed won't help if you haven't been able to enforce him not living with you; he'll just bully his way into the new place and then you'll have him making a mess and intimidating you from the living room sofa instead of from his own room. Moving to the other end of the country wouldn't help; he could follow. The only solution is for you to tell him he doesn't live there any more, and mean it. He'll be entitled to what used to be called housing benefit to pay the rent. But they'll make him look for work - which is what he needs.

I’ll never get the “he is only in his 20’s” argument.

At 24 I had moved in with my partner and planning a wedding, first baby came a year later. I had a full time job. Like the rest of my friends, we all had jobs. I started mine at 15 - friends went to uni and had jobs at 21.

24 is more than old enough to be working and sorting his life out.

sorry you are in this position op, there has been some great help on this thread

I feel your angst, OP. Lots of suggestions here and I do agree he needs coaching, encouragement, motivation. I’ve got some slightly weirder/macabre ones, if you want to try something different:

1. warn him that if you need care as you get older, or if you were suddenly discharged from hospital, he may be forced to step in due to the fact that he actually lives there.
2. warn him that should you need full time care, he WILL be made homeless , since houses must be sold for care and there is no special disregard clause for relatives under 60
3. support him to get a job, take housekeeping but secretly save it - then present it as a bung/carrot he can have if and when he moves out
4. get an annoying lodger
5. pretend you’ve joined a cult and go full hippy, burning incense etc. All the meals are vegan from now on. See how he likes that
6. just sell the house and buy another that is 20k cheaper up the road

I mean, what’s his plan? Be a boring batchelor forever?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-47154287

AI makes factual errors, not grammatical errors. It doesn’t sound human, but it also doesn’t speak in broken English.

And who could blame the son, I'm surprised more kids don't do that. No one on this thread has managed to make adulthood sound the least bit appealing. They make it sound like all it is is work-maybe it is, in which case he's right to sue his parents for the burden!

Something is going wrong in society when you have increasing numbers of entitled young adults failing to engage or take responsibility. They blame it on expensive housing but the root cause is lack of discipline and no boundaries. Even decades ago young adults were not buying houses straight out of education, no they were living in a rented room. The difference then was they wanted to grow up and experience all aspects of adult life. Too many now want to pick and choose adult life which isn't an option.

OP your son knows the situation and is not stupid. He needs to grow u p Tell him firmly he has one week to leave. During that week continue to be nice to him so not to rock the boat then change the locks and call the police if he attempts to return. To your detriment, this has gone too long.

Oh, and don't involve other relatives who shouldn't have to shoulder responsibility for his poor behaviour.

Have you tried things like refusing to buy in food for him, turning off the wifi, cancelling his phone contract?

Sit him down, tell him very firmly that you meant it when you gave him written notice, and tell him to take himself with a copy of the notice to the local housing office for urgent advice and help. Also give him a list of addresses including the Job Centre and local employment agencies.

At 24 he should be doing this himself. OP needs to be firm and not pander to him or he won't take the situation seriously.

I read your other thread about him being kicked out of university.

You say he very likely has learning difficulties and struggles with normal life activities.

Although this doesn’t excuse his behaviour, it does make it easier to understand.

Can you give us more info - how long has he been out of work/education?

What do you mean by not enough care for hygiene?

Has he ever been assessed for LD? - this would be my first step and it’s a shame it wasn’t done whilst at uni/school because they usually hold more weight.

Young people nowadays are much emotionally younger than what they used to be and if he has LD he could be emotionally younger still.
So although I understand your desire for an empty nest and for him to have independence, I wouldn’t worry too much as it will come.

He is struggling and telling him to get a FT job, move out, pay his own bills, do his own shopping, sort his hygiene out etc all at once is going to feel very overwhelming and he’ll likely do none of it.

What the most important thing for you right now?
Getting him out of your house or him getting a job or sorting his hygiene out?

You need to focus on 1 thing and then help him do it.

I would be trying to do things asap though as a lot of help stops at age 25.
If he’d had a diagnosis he would have had an EHCP until the age of 25 for example, which would have supported him through uni.

An EHCP stops when you go to university.

Yes you are correct but if he had one up to 25 and he was struggling with his course then he would have likely received more support, rather than getting kicked off.
The EHCPs can be used as evidence but the university do not need to follow it.

Without a diagnosis he would receive less support.