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Original poster

I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

340 replies

Tigerzmum · 14/01/2026 20:33

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

OP posts:
Malcolmscrackers · 15/01/2026 18:31

What does he do all day?

Could you just go off-line for a while op? Completely unplug from your wi-fi and Internet provider. If he is gaming all day then this might get him to move?

It’s not as easy to be completely independent as it once was.

Can you gather together all of your close family and friends (including males) and stage an intervention? Have McDonald’s job applications and details of house shares available locally. Enforce a deadline.

Keep inviting male friends and family or colleagues if you know them well enough to stay, so your son gets the idea that he is not in charge.

Malcolmscrackers · 15/01/2026 18:37

Sorry I’ve just seen your update that you work in IT op so obviously you need the Wi-Fi on!

You say you have three bedrooms?

I know you prefer to live alone op but I don’t suppose you have a young, respectful, ambitious, preferably rugby player sized male family friend or colleagues with a good job and a great work ethic in your circle of acquaintance who you could invite to live with you for a while who could show up your son and teach him some manners and respect?

Nodramalama85 · 15/01/2026 18:49

Obscurity · 14/01/2026 22:33

I would have hated you being my parent!

You say;

It may be that he's lacking a sense of purpose and lost confidence.

So what, OP should kick-him whilst he’s down?

Show quote history

No, I think she should continue funding him, being disrespected and miserable.

Heyhoitsme · 15/01/2026 18:58

My friend was in the same position. Her son sat in his room for a year saying he was a writer. She was beginning to hate him. Her brother came to the rescue by inviting him to try his luck in Australia. He blossomed there, taking work in bars and restaurants. Then he moved to Japan and took up teaching English. Basically he needed to get out of his mother's home.

andIsaid · 15/01/2026 19:03

rainonfriday · 15/01/2026 15:27

Something is going wrong in society when you have increasing numbers of entitled young adults failing to engage or take responsibility. They blame it on expensive housing but the root cause is lack of discipline and no boundaries. Even decades ago young adults were not buying houses straight out of education, no they were living in a rented room. The difference then was they wanted to grow up and experience all aspects of adult life. Too many now want to pick and choose adult life which isn't an option.

It's this, I see so much of it around me.

I was watching a BBC archive programme yesterday about a cheaper London flat share in 1965, in an average area. It was four young women from middle class families, who all had gone there for work. The occupants changed over time from the original four, as one left here or there when their life changed and so another moved in. All were at various ages in their 20s. All pitched in with the cleaning rota, rent and bills. Some had boyfriends or were engaged, some were single, some went "home" to their families at the weekends. The rented flat was small, uncluttered (nobody appeared to have an excess of possessions or home décor items), but nice. They all socialised, together and separately and got along just fine. It was a 2 bedroom flat. Can you imagine that these days?!

People so often won't accept less than the entire flat to themselves now, not just a bedroom. And they want to own it, regardless of whether they can afford that. There's this notion that even siblings living under the parent's roof shouldn't have to share a room, that it's tantamount to neglect and so the sense of entitlement creeps in young. People spend their spare time shopping instead of socialising and have so much stuff it's unreal. So many want to bypass the trials and tribulations of youth and skip straight to the "successful fully independent adult" stage of life, when they're barely out of their teens. Many are so babied and overindulged at home that they have no incentive to move out and refuse to until they can afford a home of the same calibre and the lifestyle to match. It's frankly ridiculous.

There's a loneliness epidemic because people spend all their time online. These four women flat sharing said one of the benefits, apart from making friends with your flat mates and work colleagues, is that your social circle automatically quadrupled when you moved into the flat and over time were introduced to the other women's friends.

So much truth in this.

I lived like that - four of us in a two bed. We slept in single beds! Still wonderful friends.

My brother and I were sent to private school, but it was made very clear that every spare penny went to fees. Any extras, like clothes, clubs and so on, we had to cover. So, we had jobs from the age of fourteen.

We were expected to do well in both exams and our jobs, and woe betide anyone who did not behave in school.

I see a huge change now - my dc's friends are expected to only focus on school work and exams. All else is not so important, and anything that might get in the way of that goal is swept away by the parents.

As such, I think that the self esteem one builds by doing, failing, and achieving by one's self is lost. I don't see resilience in the them, lovely as they are.

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 19:33

I do wonder if they'd suggest the same thing for a woman in this situation-change the locks and not care if she ends up on the street? I wonder what she'd be forced to do for money...

Starlightsprite · 15/01/2026 19:43

He is abusing you. He is legally an adult. I have a very similar situation to you and no one will ever understand it unless they’ve lived it. Moving is one idea but even that he could sabotage, refusing to let people look around, making a mess / causing damage / refusing to move out when contracts are exchanged and that wouldn’t be fair on the buyer. I would change the locks, if you’ve given him notice I doubt he’ll be able to go to court to challenge it because he has no money. He probably will cut contact but he’s not worth knowing IMO. He’s also likely to bang on the doors and bombard you with calls - could you have someone stay with you or you stay elsewhere for a day or two until he’s forced to go to the council or relatives? If not, call the police if he’s being a nuisance (I’m saying all of this as someone who hasn’t been brave enough to do this but my sister suggested all this to me). He is emotionally and financially abusing you. People on here won’t get it because they’ve never have anyone refuse to leave or refuse to be fair or contribute financially. There is a legal route and it’s just a form (not too expensive or arduous) but you and I both know men like this make your life hell once you go down that route and it’s scary. I think Women’s Aid might be able to help but I’m not sure. Good luck. Remember, this is not your fault, if he wanted to stay this long he should have stuck to your rules - having a job is an absolute minimum and he hasn’t even done that!

croydon15 · 15/01/2026 20:35

Dollyfloss · 14/01/2026 21:03

But if he genuinely has nowhere to go would posters suggesting this really see their child on the street?

Because that is the reality if he has no one to help him.

Is he depressed OP? What are his excuses for not getting a job?

Show quote history

I agree l could not see my DC being homeless, it's a difficult situation. Is there anyone he trust that could try to make him understand that he must find a job, accommodation etc

LivelyMintViper · 15/01/2026 20:36

Gather some family members and address the issues with him together. Ask for their support in evicting him. You are at an impasse. Nothing will change. Time for a sharp shock
In the meantime he buys his own food, pays his own bills. Cut off the gravy train

Hufflemuff · 15/01/2026 20:40

The comments about council housing are really fucking me off... no he doesnt need council housing - he can get a job and move into a shared house. He does not need the state to house him. Save that for people who actually cannot work because of health, or single parent families etc...

Social housing is not for a grown man who just cba to get a job!

ThisOldThang · 15/01/2026 20:49

"Social housing is not for a grown man who just cba to get a job!"

Unfortunately, the reality is that social housing is occupied by hundred of thousands, if not millions, of people that cba to get a job.

Liftedmeup · 15/01/2026 20:50

ThisOldThang · 15/01/2026 20:49

"Social housing is not for a grown man who just cba to get a job!"

Unfortunately, the reality is that social housing is occupied by hundred of thousands, if not millions, of people that cba to get a job.

No, it isn’t.

JWhipple · 15/01/2026 20:54

Greenmouldycheese · 14/01/2026 21:34

This post makes me sad. I would never force my children out of their home before they had the ability to stand on their own two feet. You forcing him out will result in him living in poverty. Yes, you would hope that he would be on his way to independence by now but he's not and you are his mother. I struggle to understand your lack of care for him.

FFS. How much more does she need to do for him? He's 24. Even if he did have some additional needs he's still being incredibly unpleasant to his mother and she isn't obliged to be his carer for the rest of her days.

Can he come and live with you then, the poor innocent little 24 year old cherub?

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2026 20:58

Op sell up and buy yourself a nice retirement apartment/bungalow

WatalotIgot · 15/01/2026 21:04

Why does it have to be OP upending her life? If she buys any sort of "retirement complex" she will have maintenance to pay and this can increase exponentially in future. OP would be more secure in a smaller freehold place.

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 21:08

JWhipple · 15/01/2026 20:54

FFS. How much more does she need to do for him? He's 24. Even if he did have some additional needs he's still being incredibly unpleasant to his mother and she isn't obliged to be his carer for the rest of her days.

Can he come and live with you then, the poor innocent little 24 year old cherub?

Show quote history

Adult kids aren't obliged to be carers for their parents yet so many end up doing it and are guilted about it if they don't-which can also go on for many years. A lot of parents expect a hell of a lot from their kids too.

Maybe it's best for all if you do just make a clean break from your parents at 18 and never look back (I bet parents wouldn't be so happy with that arrangement though since they know they'll probably need their kids one day) then it's a mutual "you don't need me and I don't need you" not very loving but maybe it's more fair.

AllTheChatsAboutTea · 15/01/2026 21:31

It sounds like you’ve spoilt him his entire life and, in doing so, created a lazy, entitled man child. It’s rather late in the day to try to set boundaries now.

Why doesn’t he help around the house and pull his weight with household chores? As a teenager, did you teach him how to cook meals, how to do laundry?

I’d be inclined to give him an ultimatum. He needs to get a full time job in the next month and start paying rent, failing which you will be changing the locks. No mother wants to see her son out on the street but you need him to stand on his own two feet now. Stop molllie-coddling him.

andIsaid · 15/01/2026 21:33

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 21:08

Adult kids aren't obliged to be carers for their parents yet so many end up doing it and are guilted about it if they don't-which can also go on for many years. A lot of parents expect a hell of a lot from their kids too.

Maybe it's best for all if you do just make a clean break from your parents at 18 and never look back (I bet parents wouldn't be so happy with that arrangement though since they know they'll probably need their kids one day) then it's a mutual "you don't need me and I don't need you" not very loving but maybe it's more fair.

Show quote history

It strikes me that this is part of the problems we have nowadays.

Being part of a family brings with it ethical and moral obligations, with most doing do what they can. The toddlers can't wash the dishes but they tidy away their toys etc. Teens can wash dishes as granny has a bad hip. And so on.

Not one of us got here alone. If you are alive, someone somewhere put effort into you.

Humans thrive in co-operation.

It is not healthy to raise children with the expectation that they have no obligations beyond living their dream.

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 21:55

@andIsaid but some of these responses show that their child is on their own from the time they hit 18-the parents aren't willing to help at all because "you're an adult now you shouldn't need anything from me ever again" only that works both ways. If they kicked their child out they are no longer "part of the family", that's the message it seems. It sounds more like a divorce than anything. I don't see how they can expect their kids to come running the minute they need help.

That's a different issue to the way OPs son is treating her but if she wants him out then him cooperating now and helping out, well that ship has sailed. I hardly think he sounds like he's living the dream either! So once he's gone then that's probably the end of their relationship, but no loss it seems from either side.

Uhghg · 15/01/2026 22:24

I understand your frustration but please don’t think this is it.
Many young people go through a phase like this and come out the other side to become well rounded adults.

I think you just need to focus on one thing at a time as you say he struggles with normal activities and he needs a bit of support.

You say he has a job which is great, so tell him he needs to sign on to UC and find a job with more set hours.

ThisOldThang · 15/01/2026 22:27

"Not one of us got here alone. If you are alive, someone somewhere put effort into you."

If somebody decides, for their own personal gratification, to bring a child into existence, the least they can do is put in some effort. I really don't see why a child should be grateful for that. If anything, parents should feel guilty for bringing children into a world of suffering and toil.

It isn't something I really considered before having children, but part of me now regrets it. I love them so much and my eldest was such a loving happy toddler. I can already see him changing and he's only six years old. What's his life going to be like? If he's unhappy, that's ultimately on me for creating him, isn't it?

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 22:44

@ThisOldThang agree. Some on here act like a 24 year old man just appeared in OPs home and she had nothing to do with it! Lots of adults don't leave home, for many different reasons. Chance you take having kids isn't it. He needs a job obviously and to treat OP with respect but I'll never understand needing them out of the family home just because they've reached x age. People mature at different points. If he was dating a 40 year old he'd suddenly be seen as someone barely out of his teens being taken advantage of-funny how people bend the rules to suit them isn't it.

rainonfriday · 15/01/2026 22:53

Firefly1987 · 15/01/2026 19:33

I do wonder if they'd suggest the same thing for a woman in this situation-change the locks and not care if she ends up on the street? I wonder what she'd be forced to do for money...

Well she could claim UC and look for a job, like everyone else. Being homeless doesn't disqualify you.

rainonfriday · 15/01/2026 23:04

Hufflemuff · 15/01/2026 20:40

The comments about council housing are really fucking me off... no he doesnt need council housing - he can get a job and move into a shared house. He does not need the state to house him. Save that for people who actually cannot work because of health, or single parent families etc...

Social housing is not for a grown man who just cba to get a job!

Don't worry, if homeless services accept him, he's got pretty much zero chance of being given a council flat. He's a healthy adult man (unless he gets diagnosed with something) and if they help him at all, he'll be pushed towards the private sector and a flat share or a room in an HMO. As you say, there's precious little social housing to go around and it's prioritised by need.

rainonfriday · 15/01/2026 23:29

I would change the locks, if you’ve given him notice I doubt he’ll be able to go to court to challenge it because he has no money.

He would be throwing his money away if he went to court. He has no legal rights to live in his parent's home. It doesn't matter how long he's lived there, or if he's paid towards bills, or whether he has anywhere else to go, or if he has ID with his parent's address on it. Unless he's named as an owner on the deeds, or a joint tenant on the tenancy if its rented, then he has no rights to remain and is there purely at OPs discretion. She doesn't even need to give him notice to move out. She could legally kick him out after a row with no notice at all. He's not even got the basic right of a lodger to be given notice, because he isn't one, he has no license to occupy.

Women's Aid could help OP by giving the same advice she's been given here and perhaps providing some moral support to carry it out. She could join the freedom program if necessary, although her issue is possibly more a lack of knowledge about her rights in terms of her home, than a lack of confidence or assertiveness in carrying them out or lack of understanding of abuse. I don't think OP is under any illusion that his behaviour is ok.

The police will remove someone who is trying to break in to your home or who has broken in, if you don't want them living there and they have no legal rights to be there.

There's no way of OP enforcing any rules she has either, other than threatening to kick him out and carrying through on it if the threat doesn't work. He's an adult, she has no legal rights to compel him to shower, do house chores, cook for them both, be polite, pay towards the council tax or anything else.

She could enforce a curfew by deadlocking/bolting the door on the inside and refusing to unlock it to let him in if he's late, which might make him think twice about coming home past the curfew or might not.

She can refuse to buy him food, locking her own food away so he can't steal it, to force him to buy/beg/steal his own.

She can install key meters for gas and electric and refuse to top them up if they run out too soon because he leaves all the lights on and keeps cranking the heating up while she's out (to avoid going into debt, because she's on a budget that doesn't stretch far enough). Then it's up to him if he pays for the next lot of utilities or if they do without until the OP has money for them again. She can't force him to pay though.

In a practical sense, there's nothing else she can do about his behaviour. So if threats of having to move out don't work, she's got no choice but to either kick him out or put up with the situation as it is.