I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

Be firmer. Set clear boundaries, you warned him but have you been following it up? ‘Just checking in, you got x amount of time left to sort yourself out’ if not, start now. Give him 3 months, with clear timeline expectations and then if he doesn’t do it, pack his bags

You've given him two weeks notice.

Change the locks.

Not sure why this post hasn’t had any traction.
Is he working? Sorry that wasn’t clear to me.
what I can find online is the following:

a formal written "Notice to Vacate" and consult legal aid for potential eviction procedures.
so you probably need help from a solicitor. Try telling him you are going down the formal eviction root.
find some rooms to rent and send him the details. Job is key though.

Don’t do washing or provide food/toiletries.

I think at 24 you could live away from home, if you had a job.

I don't know how you could get him to leave without it being very unpleasant and your son potentially going no contact with you. Changing locks, getting perhaps the police involved etc I cannot advise you on.

From what you describe it is an intolerable situation to continue and so your wish is reasonable however sad that it has come to it.

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home

What does that mean. What rules?

Where is supposed to go and how will he pay for it?

I think you need to write down exactly how much it costs to have him living there and go through it with him.

Can you explain how he is being coercively controlling?

I'm not sure why you think the government should fund his life just because he's too lazy to earn a living to be honest.

He can claim universal credit but they won’t give him accommodation, he has to actually find a cheap flat share.

I’d sell and buy a lovely one bedroom. Would free you some money up too. It could be in the same area.

@Blessedbethefruitloopss The legal route is very daunting for me, further, this will have a cost. I do not understand why he does not see sense and appreciate the damage this is currently doing to me, and can do to him!

OP doesn't have to fund his life either though!

Of course he could live away from "home" at 24 and it sounds a very difficult situation for you But it's hard to know what's going on with your descriptions sorry. If you want a future relationship with him you will need to sit down and have a proper conversation

I have four kids 22 to 33. All been and
completed uni ,got jobs and moved away from family home and enjoying life, my youngest in final 6 months and applying for jobs all over the country, it's still the uni holidays so currently balancing working in a fast food restaurant, writing assignments and revising.

💕He wants something he has to pay for it, hence has saved £3k to have a deposit on a flat/accommodation when he finds a job. I have been a single parent forever but have always worked and I fully understand how you now want to live your own life on your own terms. When my son was on a work placement from uni he paid £50 per week which just covered his food, I couldn't afford to keep him even when working never mind on a pension. He needs to claim universal credit, and housing help until he gets a job, he will have to apply for jobs to receive this help, at 24 he is more than capable, just pull the rug.
Good luck

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow True! -That's an option that I am considering -Thank you.

Does he go out, is there anyone you can call to get some help with him?

does he have cousins or family who can invite him out for the day so you can change the locks and get a dead bolt fitted?

If the gently approach hasn’t worked you will have to be harder and force him out. There’s not much you can do if he refuses to engage and has resorted to bullying you

Really feel for you.

Does he have any plans or interests?

What does he do all day?

I totally understand you feel powerless.

Very hard to make a child homeless.

You don’t have to go down any “legal routes.” He’s an adult, and an excluded occupier in your home. He isn’t a tenant with tenancy protections nor someone with a legal right to live in the property. You just need to give reasonable notice, which you’ve done, and then change the locks at the end of it, making arrangements for him to collect his possessions or have them collected if he hasn’t shifted them by then. It won’t be very nice, as he’s your son and will very likely rupture your relationship at least temporarily; but it needs to be done. He isn’t respecting your home and he isn’t even trying to contribute.

He’ll qualify for UC as a jobseeker and the housing element of UC for a room in a shared house, until he finds a job. He’s 24, not a helpless just turned 18-year-old, he’s capable of doing what plenty of men his age are doing.

Personally I think the simplest solution is to sell and buy a 1 bed flat or bungalow in an over 55 development.
Other options are changing locks and calling police if he tries to enter.
Is there anyone who would speak to him or sit in a meeting with you eg godparent
I suspect as you have made empty threats in past he thinks he can bumble on and ignore you.

He has enough education to get into uni which means he should be able to a job. It won’t be much pay but it will be NMW and the job centre can help him to develop work skills and find a work placement.

but he is obviously not willing to make the effort.

im sure things would be different if he was respectful and struggling but he’s not.

selling is a great option but it takes months / years and what happens until then?

Tell him he is going to have to leave on a certain date. He can speak to your local council and they will help him work out what to do, or help with mediation. You don't have to live like this! Do not give him any money, and speak to the police if he is forcing you to.

Does he ever leave the house? Change the locks the next time he does after the date you have asked him to move out by and call the police if he is threatening or violent.

@Pinkladyapplepie .... Would "housing help" be him living away from home? He is my son and and can be charmingly difficult. So I need to have physical distance where he is made to be totally independent.

He could be doing Deliveroo tomorrow if he really wanted

This. You're being a repeating parent. Ineffectually threatening and doing nothing. Change the locks.

If he has no friends and nowhere to crash, that's a bigger problem for him.

@Tigerzmum i don’t have any advice to give you but wanted to send my support

you shouldn’t feel this way in your own home with your adult son

@Tigerzmum I’d get your house ready to go on the market in the spring. Have some valuations and start looking for a smaller home that’s more economical to run. Once he realizes that you’re serious, he’ll have to start thinking about where he’s going to live.

I wouldn’t expend your energy trying to get him to leave in a couple of weeks, preparing to sell your house will be far more effective.

But if he genuinely has nowhere to go would posters suggesting this really see their child on the street?

Because that is the reality if he has no one to help him.

Is he depressed OP? What are his excuses for not getting a job?