I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

This post makes me sad. I would never force my children out of their home before they had the ability to stand on their own two feet. You forcing him out will result in him living in poverty. Yes, you would hope that he would be on his way to independence by now but he's not and you are his mother. I struggle to understand your lack of care for him.

@Dollyfloss Thank you for your comments. He has had the best education independent and prep schools along with GCSE and A'level at grammar school in Bucks. -He learnt the violin from age 4 to 16 (with my weekly attendance at his lessons up to 11); He may be on the Autistic spectrum, but he doesn't share with me. I have given him extensive help for job seeking and careers as I able to do this. He would rather listen to anyone but me. I don't think he has MH issues.

This ⬆️

@Tigerzmum you are being far too nice!

I assume he leaves the house? Buy a spare lock, learn how to change the lock barrell on YouTube, then when he goes out just change the lock and bag up his stuff!

You are going to have to be way more assertive. Tell him you cannot afford to live like this as you spent all your money on a decent eduction for him so that he could get a good job, so he has 2 weeks to get a job and start contributing £150 a week in rent, or the house goes on the market so you can buy a more affordable 1 bed house.

How about :-

rent a premier inn type room for a fortnight
dump all his stuff there when he is out
change the locks
tell him about the room

that gives him a couple of weeks accommodation while he hunts for a roomshare or similar. He can go to the CAB to find out what he is entitled to for housing benefit

Do you have any relatives who would help you move him to a room to rent set up for a month paid??

This actually makes me really sad reading this. He’s still your child, even though he’s an adult. I can’t imagine making my child homeless.

i'm sorry but this post does make me sad and upset

if any family member is causing you to have to leave your home, make you worried in your own home, don’t respect you and your own home them they have to leave

if someone can’t get that respect for themselves then it does make me sad on the conditions they could be leaving in

He does have the ability though ..he went to Uni twice so has the capacity to contribute in some way...or at least be kind at home

Is he looking for work? My DD is at uni, and applied for about 70 jobs before she even got an interview. She got a temporary job over summer that was 8 hrs/week. Now she has another temporary job (in her uni town) with a zero hours contract. Mostly she gets 2 x 4 hrs shifts but sometimes its one, sometimes its 3....
Then people breezily say "get a job, any job" as if its as easy as anything.

The longer the time he has of ''doing nothing'' on his CV - the less likely he'll be offered a good job. He should try to do something for that reason.

It does sound like you’ve reached the stage where it is no longer acceptable for your DS to remain in your home.
It’s a tough thing to make him leave. From his perspective this is ‘home’ and whatever he has done having to leave must be quite daunting. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have nowhere to live.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t make him leave, and he is an age where he should be independent, but can you help him by helping him to find a room and paying the first months’s rent? It would make things easier for both of you if he actually had somewhere to go.

I knew within seconds of reading your post, your son was different and likely Autistic. If he's diagnosed I don't know if that could help access housing and benefits more easily.

Make it your priority to get him out. He will put you in an early grave if he isn't out somewhere separate from you.

An assessment and diagnosis sounds sensible. You'd probably have to pay now as the NHS won't listen. He himself might also decide against it. He could live in a house share and do dekiveroo as suggested. Choose you over him.

You sound very resentful of your son when you talk about how much you spent on his education. It sounds very much like “But we took you to stately homes”. Has your relationship always been this poor?

I do understand that children can be very difficult but there doesn’t seem the tiniest suggestion of fondness for your son. He is obviously lazy and unmotivated but you seem trapped in a negative feedback loop with him.

I don’t think you should change the locks but if your house is anyway too expensive for you I would look at downsizing and make that a natural point for your son to move out.

@Greenmouldycheese Please see my recent comments: I can understand your view, I was of your stance years back, but my son has literally pushed me to the wall; over the past 4 years, I have become depressed due to this; I so much wanted my son; My love for him was overwhelming.😔"He has had the best education independent and prep schools along with GCSE and A'level at grammar school in Bucks. -He learnt the violin from age 4 to 16 (with my weekly attendance at his lessons up to 11); He may be on the Autistic spectrum, but he doesn't share with me. I have given him extensive help for job seeking and careers as I able to do this. He would rather listen to anyone but me. He will not make reliable plans with me. I don't think he has MH issues." -I think I have over-indulged him. But he does not want to understand that I do not have bottomless pockets.... He needs a shock realisation. I won't be too far to help, but physically I know he needs to leave.

You will have to put in writing to the council that you are evicting him and he's homeless. They will get him a bed in a hostel.

This is brutal of me, but where the son goes and how he pays for it is not her problem. Her son is not a minor.

@Tigerzmum my nephew only got diagnosed with bipolar when he was 'forced' to leave his family home.

sometimes being classed homeless can be the best thing

hes now in shared supervised accommodation and loves it

Difficult situation for you, OP.
Your son can claim Universal Credit from DWP.
He can submit Fit Notes if he has health problems which mean that he is unable to work or look for work.
UC can provide help with any housing costs ( rent). Can you assist help him to find a room in a private rented flat?
Good luck!

No way. Not buying this. I have been very involved in the stately homes thread as a ' survivor' of these types of parents.

I also feel immensely for OP dealing with what's blindingly obvious a Neurodivergent son. OP can't understand where she went wrong, hence the school reference. She is also naturally trying to ease guilt she has, because society does that to you. So she is simply saying, look I have and do try endlessly.

And the reason all her efforts are not working is because she has a challenging neurodivergent son. From what she describes he's struggling but also probably devoid of empathy towards her , if he also has PDA, that's a sentence of difficulty and inability to parent from all I know.

Don't comment if you don't understand.

That's if the local housing allowance is even enough to rent a room, where I live it is nowhere near!

If not working, he should apply for this

His National Insurance contributions will be paid, which go towards his state pension & other benefits

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/eligibility

When you wrote that you were giving him time on his living with you, did you specify a date?
My mum did that on a letter for the council and I had to register at risk of homeless. I'm unsure what they can do for him but I agree with you that he needs to do something to improve his life and not feed off you anymore, for your own health.
I don't know if Women's Aid would be able to help you, they're worth contacting though in case they can advise on how to get him out of your home.

Good luck x

No they won't! The council have no duty of care to a healthy adult male!

Can they not afford to flat share? Mine do.