I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

You may well have over indulged him but you are still his mother and surely feel you have a duty to help him. I'm reading comments here about calling the police, changing the locks and packing his things for him and I'm so appalled. You also don't give any info on why he's so hard to live with. Unhygienic in what way? I get wanting your own space but he's your responsibility. He's not 30 or 40. He's only 24.

Just be firmer, it's that easy isn't it @OrangeTrees7? But what happens if the man child doesn't move out? Just get firmer? Or are you going to say "be the parent" next?

Oh dear poor you.
But how do you get here with your son?
Have you not previous conversations around job/ moving out or even paying you some rent/ bills and contributing toward food.
Why does he not give you any money?
Where does he get his money?
What does he do all day? He sounds lazy and thoughtless -sorry but he does and you have enabled him. He is 24!!
Give him notice and then change the locks..

You mentioned he might have ASD. I think you should help him find this out. Rather than just saying he doesn’t share it with you.

Could you really throw your son out when he has no job? Seems like kicking him when he’s down.

Then you need to involve uncles, God parents etc… to talk to him.

The situation is that you simply cannot afford to feed him etc…
He doesn’t see the impact because he never had to handle a budget in his own. Feel the stress of wondering how he is going eat this week.

You need someone from outside to tell him to leave.
Someone he trust to tell him to get his arse into gear and find a job. Any job. If there’s some ND, to go down the diagnosis route (with the Right to chose pathway. He’ll be seen quickly and still in the NHS)
But he can’t just give up and expect you to pick up the pieces.

Who does your ds trust? Who will he listen to?
And maybe too, who would be ready to take him in until he has a job?

So is the answer to just let him live at home into his thirties or forties? That's what happens! He isn't going to learn independence living in a totally dependent situation. I honestly think the new trend of keeping children living at home into their twenties and beyond is going to backfire for lots of people. Some kids are fantastic, and just require a leg up and move out with a deposit saved a few years later. Many simply fail to launch, either into work or living by themselves or with friends, and then basically become unemployable. You don't 'need' to work if you have all your accommodation and food paid for, you can just 'exist' but I bet he doesn't feel good about it.

I would do two things in this situation a) I would look to move myself into a one bed flat in the area you like, say you are downsizing b) at the same time, look to how you can 'scaffold' him to independence, don't just chuck him out but start having conversations about where he's going to go next, what the steps might be, perhaps lend him a deposit for a room somewhere. You know what, I believed one of my children couldn't make it on their own, and then circumstances meant they have had to, and they have done! If I'd cushioned them against the world, it simply wouldn't allow them to grow.

It's not being cruel to be kind if you support him, emotionally, and financially if necessary, to become an independent living adult, and if he can't do that, he will have to start accessing services for people who need help- there are independent living supported accommodations for people up to age about 26 many of whom have issues, including autism. I hope you get on ok, OP.

@Havenocluewheretogo @Greenmouldycheese The OP’s pension isn’t covering her current costs so she can’t afford to continue living like this.

It sounds like a difficult situation

Why is he not helping with chores around the home if he is not working ?
Can you speak calmly & request some contribution

If money is tight look at
Food waste reduction apps

Too Good To Go
Olio
Community pantries

Do you have family or friends to discuss this with or help ?

Good advice @FlyHighLikeABird.

Hi op sorry you’re going through this especially from your own son it’s a difficult situation to be in. Could you tell him your sorry but he’s abusing you by controlling you he probably thinks your not going to make your own ds homeless so he’s ignoring you. In the meantime I would start switching off WiFi and the heating etc if you can make it as uncomfortable as you can but as others said if you push you could lose him for good are you willing to risk this he probably won’t forgive you but I feel for you as if this was a partner it would be much easier to get rid off.

I dint think you realise that the OP has no way to
1- ‘make him’ have an assessment. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to do it. All the help in the world won’t change that.
2- whatever the reason (because it really doesn’t matter), if he has decided to not listen then he won’t. If he doesn’t want to share, talk about his struggles, talk about why he can’t find a job etc… then he won’t. And there migut be very little the OP can do about it.

To all these people who say "change the locks", it's January FFS. Do you expect the OP to listen while her son freezes his ass off because its -5 outside and he has nowhere to go?

Sure, he should find somewhere to go, but the circumstances when people are saying "then change the locks" are typically where he hasn't acted and so has nowhere to go.

@OnTheBoardwalk Thank you for your understanding. It's also sad because, each morning I expect things to get better and that my son will understand why he needs to be independent, have standards and responsibilities.

It’s so disappointing when reports have shown how many women are bullied and dominated by teen and adults sons.

As if expecting a 24 year not to financially abuse his pensioner mum is too much to ask.

at some point help has to be offered from a distance and that’s ok.

Book him a premier inn for a couple of weeks to give him time to sort himself out a room in a house share.

I voted YABU because in today’s society (COL and cost of house prices)it’s not unusual for 24 year olds to still live at home.

He does need to get a job though to begin moving forward with his life. Until then, he’s your responsibility tbh, he shouldn’t have to be the tax-payers problem just because you want to live alone.

Encourage him to get work! As soon as he’s working, he’ll start moving forward and will probably no longer want to live with you either.

No but making him homeless could be the best thing in getting him the best help he needs to support him long term

A lot missing here. Why he is living with you ...? What is your relationship with him. Do you really want him to just disappear

It just sounds like she wants him out and feels she done her bit to me. No different than the parents who throw their kids out at 18. He's obviously struggling and his own mother wants to make him homeless. I'm a mother of two boys and would never do this. I dont understand why people have children when they obviously don't care about them. A family member struggled to get her two children to leave but they were in their 40s. This young man is only 24.

A practical solution, if that is affordable for the OP.

Why did you conceive him at 42 knowing you will be massively old when he is that young

If he has nowhere job and no money how will he pay for the houseshare? Near me even houseshare are £700+ per month.

Obviously he needs to look for a job but could you help him financially in the meantime OP? To just initially get him out and living independently? Where is his df in all this??

This is how 24 year old men turn into 40 year old men who live with their mums. 24 is not young.

I don't advocate throwing him out in Jan, I suggest looking to say a year long plan of moving yourself and moving him out at the same time, with support and scaffolding.

I also suggest getting the book 'Let Them' either as an audiobook or hardback it's not out as paperback yet, and reading it cover to cover.

The idea that mothers should be responsible for their adult children forever and ever and ever is very damaging to women.

How will he get a room in a house share? He has no job, no references, no deposit, no guarantor.