I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

I was travelling. Bought my first house at 25. Prior to travelling, working full time from 18, lived at home and paid minimal housekeeping to parents. So I would say, I grew up properly once I committed to saving for a house deposit.

OP’s son needs time to find his feet. He’s obviously intelligent having had a great education. Things should ‘click’ for him once he finds work. OP needs a little patience and compassion. The situation could be so much worse if he had left school without any qualifications - then she’d probably be stuck with him forever!

I was in a similar situation. I gave him notice and on the final day packed his stuff and refused to let him back in. It was horrible and heartbreaking at the time. Now we have a good relationship, he has a job he enjoys and a lovely girlfriend. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, it's unlikely he is happy in this situation. It may be that he's lacking a sense of purpose and lost confidence. It's worth noting though that he is an adult and is solely responsible fo himself, at 24 he is allowed to make unwise decisions. That does not mean that you should suffer the consequences or fund his lifestyle. Good luck x

This^ get your house on the market and tell him you’re down sizing, he needs to get somewhere quick As you can’t have him there whilst this is all happening- go to a friends

I would have hated you being my parent!

You say;

It may be that he's lacking a sense of purpose and lost confidence.

So what, OP should kick-him whilst he’s down?

The oddly formal way this is written, along with the repetition, misplaced grammer and extra spacings would suggest this is AI generated ☹️

Because that’s the welfare system. If he’s not working he’s entitled to benefits. She is not responsible for him. She’s done her bit? Why do you think it’s her responsibility?

There’s no such thing as housing benefit any more. There’s only universal credit.

I know someone was was thrown out, locks were changed, belongings left in a safe place. They are now street homeless, living in a bus shelter, spend their days on a park bench, claim no benefits and have no job or housing. It’s an awful situation all round.

@Obscurity Exactly, you weren’t sitting at home expecting your single Mum to provide for you.

I agree that something needs to click for him and it needs to click fast, because he’s too old to behave like this. Others have suggested that a family member whom he trusts could perhaps talk to him, I think that’s a good idea. He needs to start moving forward with his life.

Education doesn't equal intelligence.

I didn't finish school and have zero qualifications. I am a top 3% earner. My parents are not stuck with me forever 😂

Lord help this country because some of the comments on this thread is concerning for the next generation and I can see why 20+ year olds who have been molly coddled are behaving like children based on their parenting.

You are overthinking it OP. Of course you shouldn't live with another adult, who disrespects your home, sponges off you and is abusive! It's unfortunate that it's your son, but the bottom line is that no, you should not let anyone treat you this way. And as a side note, it won't be doing him any favours either.

You can't control your son's behaviour or make him get assessed for illnesses or conditions. You can't insist he gets a job. Because he's an adult, how would you make him? You have no recourse. And I think going down this route will only lead to frustration and unhappiness for you. But you can decide what you are doing, with your own life, and what happens in your own home.

Tell him you love him, but you have no intention of living the way you do any more, then change the locks. He'll have to sofa surf / sort out a flatshare, it won't kill him. Actually it will be a valuable life lesson. He will definitely be furious and may well go no contact. But once he's sorted himself out and lived in the real world for a while, he'll hopefully return to you, and you can start to build a new and healthier relationship x

The thing about JSA is not relevant. He is entilted to Universal Credit, as other posters have said, and should have applied for it months ago - then he would have been able to contribute towards his own living costs. The fact that he hasn't bothered doing this screams of entitlement.

He has no legal right to remain in your house, and if I were you I'd enforce him moving out by the end of this month. This needn't result in him freezing on the streets, so please ignore the posters telling you that they couldn't possibly do this to one of their children.

He could go stay with one of these relatives you mention, until he finds an affordable room somewhere.

There are also plenty of jobs that come with live-in accommodation, so he could apply for one of those (eg rural hotels where there's not much transport, lots of seasonal fruit & veg picking farm work etc).

There are also volunteering opportunities - like https://helpstay.com/ - where he'd be provided with accommodation in return for doing a certain number of hours a week. Search by country: there are quite a few listings under 'United Kingdom', and some of them even offer opportunities to earn pocket money as well as picking up new skills, making new friends, and expanding his horizons/ experience of the world.

As it stands, if he moves out you will save some money immediately (as you'll be able to get a single person's discount on your council tax, and will presumably spend less on food/ some bills). Would your pension then cover your costs or not? If not, it sounds like you should think about moving to somewhere that's slightly smaller/ cheaper, but it'll be easier to think about this and do it when you've dealt with your 24yo.

Good luck!

No, it doesn’t. It indicates someone who doesn’t have English as their first language.

I don't think we know enough about your DS to comment properly OP. You seem a little bit closed off somehow and a bit formal in the way you speak.

You say he's probably autistic so you can't just say he's an adult and throw him out. I was living with my parents until I was 25 and if I hadn't had a boyfriend taking care of me, I'd have remained there. I was 35 when I started being a responsible adult. I have my 23 year old DS living with me and there is absolutely no way he'd survive on his own. Yes he's quite lazy but he's still maturing and changing and he responds to gentleness. Maybe that isn't the case for your DS but it really is counterproductive to become angry with my DS. I'm not sure how strict you are about hygiene. I know it's very annoying having to prompt them to wash up etc but my DS keeps his room clean apart from the backlog of dirty plates on his desk.

Are there no benefits to having your DS there? I'm more relaxed having someone around. It isn't the life I'd have wished for myself but I make the best of it.

Since you can't sign a contract if you are under 18, landlords won't rent to 16 year olds. Where would a 16 year old live? A hostel?

Why are we comparing what we (as 40+ years olds)were doing when we were 24.....when job prospects, wages, rent, house prices ...and life was completely different....?
I moved into a house share when I was 22, and an apprentice. That has no bearing on what I expect to be feasible for my own children (now 16 and 19) I fully expect DD to move back after uni

Well, there are always going to be the Lord Sugar’s in society (few and far between) but generally those without an education or qualifications to prove they are educated find life more difficult than those with qualifications.

Well done you on your achievements!

Ifhe wanted he could be doing Deliveroo of an evening and giving a token amount to his dm. He isn’t. He could be being doing a couple zero hours stuff while he works on looking for a role that he’s actually interested in.

he could be doing an apprenticeship. He could be doing anything. He is doing nothing and refusing to give his dm token £ towards costs and demanding that she continue to fund him.

he has indoor from family and godparents and nothing. He has been given notice and nothing. He isn’t a baby. He. Is a 25 year old who has had the privileges of private and independent education since 5. He is not an idiot.

he likely even has a network where if he tried he could get at least some entry level or intern type opportunities.

he doesn’t have to be perfect or successful. But cannot bully and ignore his other, treat her house with disrespect and expect her to fund him indefinitely on her bloody pension. It’s wrong.

maybe he’s thinking can stay until OP dies then he get the house and can live off UC.

Why do you expect your child to move back home after university? Shouldn't that investment lead to a job? Isn't it your job as a parent to raise an adult that can function in society without apron strings?

What’s the relevance of him being Indian ??,

@catspyjamas1 I agree that there does seem to be a perception now that people don’t need to start behaving like adults in their 20’s- but then a sudden panic if a 30- year-old isn’t doing much with their life!

I don’t know when this shift occurred, but I don’t think it’s healthy and puts a strain on their parents.

Every person is different though, aren't they? For some it's a "chicken and egg" type situation, where the adult child, is unable / unwilling to learn to stand on their own two feet, until they are out on their own. Your children may well be different physiologically, and not need that push.

Regardless, I hope your children would never be violent towards you, and that you didn't let them continue to live with you if they were. It changes the parameters imo.

@Tigerzmum this poster makes a good suggestion re network. Having been privately educated your son probably has an amazing network of talented friends. Maybe they could help get him a foot in the door where they work? Worth a try as sometimes it’s not what you know it’s who you know!

That doesn’t make sense. AI writes clearly with perfect grammar. It’s more likely OP is a non native speaker. That would also explain why she funnelled her income towards his education at the expense of her own lifestyle.

I remember it and he was Indian - statement of fact. Have you worked with many Indian men based in India? I'm on year 10 - the culture is relevant to that story.

You are a large family, what family do you have? Because your posts read that it's just you and him.