Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

They were doing it for yours and your brother’s sake.

How do you and your bro get on.

Maybe your mums experience was really hard and she doesn’t want you and your brother to experience that

Is it an actual stranger?

Who is “essentially the stranger”?

Depends who it is? Hopefully a solicitor rather than a friend who is of a similar age to them.
Do they have LPoA for finances and health?

@Liqlove we get on fine

@Bruisername yes maybe

Presumably they would have to pay that person, which means they would actually have less money for their care needs.

“Fine”

close? Had spats as adults that your parents are aware of?

@BotterMon yes I think solicitor. DB is also a solicitor though so it’s not as if he (or me) would be incompetent

Depends who it is. Might be easier for all involved

@Liqlove no, fine as in I can’t think of anything in particular that’s negative

@TFImBackIn yes presumably so

I don’t know why you immediately take it as a negative

its very emotive dealing with elderly parents and perhaps they are concerned your emotions would cloud your judgment

my mum has told me to pull the plug at the first opportunity but I honestly can’t tell you if I could

Well is it a solicitor

or a friend / relative?

I would be upset by that OP. I would feel that my parents didn't trust me and my brother.

I can understand her comment however who is the person they have nominated and what control do they have? For example in a normal family the children would want to ensure their parents got the best most affordable care and were moved if unhappy. Presumably this person won’t have that personal tie and therefore different/no motivation to sort things? So Id be asking who this person is!

@Liqlove solicitor

“Fine” isn’t a resounding sign that the two of you would work together well on this and not squabble.

Your parents know you both very well! And they have concluded that your “fine” would be vulnerable to spats

Securing adult care is a horrible, stressful unpleasant job most of the time in my experience. It's also THEIR future and perhaps they feel happier and more comfortable knowing it's taken care of. I don't understand why you find it offensive that they have proactively saved you a difficult job that gives them peace of mind.

Sensible.

A completely objective third party

i wouldnt, i had to make decisions for my elderly mother and it was very emotional, least by having a stranger/solicitor etc make them they can take the emotion out of it and think practically

@RedAndWhiteBlanket yes that’s exactly how I feel. Like there is zero trust. It’s bizarre because whilst I have my faults, I’m honest and caring and they’re probably my two main characteristics! My mum has always had quite a ..critical view of me though. So in an odd way I wasn’t surprised she would want something like this.

@chipsandpeas yes I guess there’s that.

I would not be offended by this. I would just say that if they wanted to change their minds, of course you would be happy to do it.

Life is way easier if you try to assume the best of people, rather than the worst.