Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

You both owe her a thanks mum, and to try and grow up a bit.

Jump for joy in that case! They've done it to spare you and your brother the trauma of it.

@Bruisername they spend most days saying they don’t have funds

Really. Will the solicitor be answering the panicked phone calls at 3am when one of them has gone missing? When there's been another fall? When one of them is doubly incontinent but refuses help?

Will the care service the solicitor employs be rushing round at 3am? Making the parent eat? (They don't, btw. They provide food, but don't check it's actually been eaten.) Etc etc.

The OP will still have all the emotional worry. But no control.

It's really not an envious job being incharge of such decisions and having to tell other less aggreable family members the choices the person made when thwy had capacity, lots of arguments happen.
I would take it as a blessing, they love you both so much they don't want to burden you like they were.

Think harder.

I don’t trust my sons not to ignore some of my health and social care decisions (because they would find them painful to implement) , and I know they would disagree about the best way to deliver some others, so for my health LPOA I have appointed a third attorney alongside them. It will hopefully mean less distress for my sons, and less delay for me.

My mother put my BiL and my XH in charge of her affairs without even telling my sister or me.

I too would be rather hurt; I can’t imagine a solicitor finding the best place for them to go, there’s still so much personal care involved. It’s possible it won’t be necessary and it gives you the nudge to step back and focus on your own life.

@RaraRachael why?!

@kiwiane I don’t fully understand your post. Do you mean they’re trying to get me to back off now from something?

It’s strange because I can’t see a solicitor visiting care homes to check them out…my friend redid her will when she was widowed and the CF solicitor inserted himself as executor without any discussion and his fee was a generous percentage of a healthy estate..when she discovered this before signing he wanted more money to redraw the simple will - he charged her many thousands. Senior Partner of a well respected firm

I agree; I think you should be glad.

My parents have recently set up powers of attorney in the event of their needing someone to make financial or medical decisions.

I am grateful they've thought about it, because it was awful when my mother's mother was very ill, and there was no time to sort out a power of attorney, and she found it very frightening, as she could no longer remember how to do her banking but couldn't really delegate it either.

But I also wish we didn't have to do it. It's a horrible thing to have to think about.

@ReignOfError but it doesn’t make sense because as @RedAndWhiteBlanket says, the emotional worry is still there. You can never get rid of that.

I don't think you've thought this through. How will the solicitor deal with the need for one of OP's parents to go into a care home, for example, if they refuse?

Is the solicitor going to go to a GP's appointment to confirm that the parent lacks capacity? And, if the letter comes that the parent does lacks capacity, does the solicitor now have to decide where the parent lives? What if the parent refuses to do what the solicitor says?

Do you really think that while all this is going on, the OP and her brother won't still be emotionally involved? Won't care?

It's more likely that the solicitor will stay out of the increasingly difficult situation, until the OP begs him to become involved and use his power.

@SarahAndQuack but has she given power of attorney to you?

I’d say your mum and dad both found it hard sorting things for their parents that they don’t want to put that on you and your brother. So they’ve spoken and appointed someone else to do it to save you and your brother stress. I would personally be touched by this, I get your feelings too but this decision was made with you and your brother in their mind nothing malicious

They’re very considerate parents.

I wouldn't be at all offended by that and I have seen first hand the tensions that caring for elderly parents or other relatives can cause.

Your parents seem to be coming from a good place here and are trying to reduce the pressure on you and your brother at a time when things will be becoming difficult enough anyway.

Presumably they have given their appointed solicitor guidance as to what sort of care and care home they feel would be acceptable and planned how it will be financed, so you and your brother won't have to. I'd see that as a positive. They have been able to have as much say as possible to make their own choices.

How will this work in practice?

There’s usually a long road between the situation that your parents are in now @Regainlap and needing to choose a care home for them. Does this solicitor take all of that on too? Taking to GP and hospital appointments, arranging shopping, house maintenance, packages of care, repeat prescriptions etc etc? If so it sounds absolutely marvellous and worth every penny that they’re paying

This would concern me massively. My DF was executor for his auntie, basically him and my nan were her only family and looked after her for years when she was well, then she started getting dementia. They continued their care of her and ensured she was looked after well once she couldnt live at home. My nan was the main beneficiary of her will (wasnt something my nan cared about, she was in her mid 90s at that point) and my dad had a token something but nothing much which again wasnt something he cared about. However when she did die they found out after she was diagnosed with dementia her solicitor was made executor, no one was informed as apparently they dont have to be and she changed her entire will to go to an animal charity.

My family didnt care that they didn't get any money at all but it definitely sounded dodgy from the solicitor.

Making decisions about elderly parents care can cause fall-outs between siblings, I've seen this happen in my own family! Your parents sound sensible and obviously don't want to put that burden on you. I'd be grateful if I were you - they are thinking of you and your brother!

I understand why you are hurt and blindsided. Perhaps take some time to process your feelings and then try to have a more detailed conversation about what it actually means. I’d have questions about whether it’s an individual named solicitor or a firm. What if the solicitor predeceases them, or the firm closes? If your parents are in their 60s they could potential not need to enact their plans for another 30 years.

Bear in mind also that it might never be required. Not all old people need residential care.

I will say though that more than 25 years later my Mum feels guilty about the (caring, sensible) decisions she made around my grandmother’s care. I can see there might be advantages in a dispassionate third party.

Good on them for actually making plans, I say.

Of course it won’t stop the emotional worry but it will stop disagreements on care between siblings.

My Dsis is a care home manager and often sees siblings battling over a DNR. It is awful.

The impact on sibling relationships when the Parents die is harsh.