Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

What is your relationship like with your parents? It sounds like might be a touch sensitive with your mother

I'd be relieved

I think this is a married couple attempting to protect their adult dc from the emotional, psychological and physical toll of what looking after elderly parents can bring.

There are countless posts on here @Regainlapwhere people are on their knees because their parents didn’t adequately plan for their old age. They are trying to protect you.

No harm, in a few months, in having a sensible conversation about what their plans actually look like.

Maybe you couldn't cope. But I could (have done, in fact), and presumaly the OP and her brother feel that they could cope.

@1apenny2apenny a solicitor. Yes that’s the strange thing, the fact that of everyone in the world they wouldn’t want to depend on us to look out for them and ensure they were ok above anyone else. I have Dc and can’t imagine entrusting anyone else.

I’d ask more questions. Who is this Person exactly, where did they find them, why didn’t they talk about it with you at all. How much does it cost, is in an ongoing payment or only when needed. What right and access do they have?

were they referred by someone else. Do some research into it. I’d be less hurt and more worried about scams or high cost low effort services etc.

@RedAndWhiteBlanket yep, I would have fought tooth and nail to get them the best of everything. It’s very hard not to feel ‘sod them.’ Which I suppose in some ways I will have to do as it’s out of my hands

No harm, in a few months, in having a sensible conversation about what their plans actually look like.

Why? It's out of the OP's hands now. Her parents don't trust her and her brother to help them make decisions about their lives.

I feel your reaction is representative of your relationship tbh

@beAsensible1 it won’t be a scam. My mum and dad are very switched on, have accountants and solicitors all over all sorts of things. They will have had decent advice.

I think it sounds kind and thoughtful of them. It’s clearly for your benefit, to save potentially a huge amount of stress at some point, so I’d be grateful.

As long as it isn't Guru Gordon from the Holy Spaceship Doomsday Fraternity, a solicitor seems an objective and probably effective alternative. Must feel odd for you two though, that's perfectly understandable.

@Liqlove I certainly will be after this!!

The kind, familial thing would have been to discuss this big decision with their children. Explaing why they're taking this big decision for their futures. Not:

My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Think it’s a great idea. It’s a hideous, draining process to go through. My DH is in the process of it, so stressful and upsetting and just a lot of work on top of our jobs, young kids. I would be bloody delighted if someone stepped in and did all the formalities.

Honestly OP your parents have done you a kindness. Go over to the elderly parents board and see the number of people broken by being the sandwich generation and I speak as one of them.

What they have done is sensible and it isn't a reflection on you or your brother. They have made their preferences clear to their trustee and it means you and your brother won't have the stress of it
Perhaps your mother remembers how tiring and emotionally draining she felt when she had to sort her mother's affairs. And wants to protect you.

Id still be researching the solicitor and getting my brother to do some checks about what power and reach this person has.

but ultimately if it’s all on the up then best to appreciate them making it clear rather than spending your grief mired in paper work

@Moveoverdarlin surely it costs loads to even have someone do that

@BeMintFatball I am sorry you have experienced that. But can I ask why this isn’t done 99% of the time then?

Go and have a look at the elderly parents board on here - you’ll see what your parents are trying to spare you from!

I think she's done you both a favour.

Perhaps your parents understand that lives change. You and/or your brother may live abroad, different time zone etc. Take on stressful roles, have children that will absorb your time.
And they understand that new partners come onto the scene and priorities change.
They have lifted the future load from your collective shoulders.
They are very sensible. Please don't be hurt.

Expense I imagine. Sounds like your parents have the funds

Loling hard at the people on this thread who think that a solicitor is going to somehow be able to cope with people who are, perhaps, developing dementia, refusing to leave their home, refusing care in the home, refusing to go to a home.

Do we really think that a solicitor is somehow going to make all that not happen?