Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

I'd be annoyed rather than hurt. It has the potential to make your (as in you and your DB) lives a lot more difficult when the time comes. What if this person chooses a home that's hours away and not convenient for you to visit, for example?

I think what they have done is incredibly sensible and you will be thankful for it when the time inevitably comes around.

Source: someone who is currently dealing with no end of family fallouts due to care of elderly parents in a family who have never previously fallen out.

My mum has done something similar in appointing my stepbrother as executor. Which I’m sure is because she doesn’t want me to have the stress, but as we don’t particular get on I know I’ll find it far more stressful, and it feels like a total slap in the face that she doesn’t think I’m capable.

Honestly OP, I think you need to talk to them about it. Try to find out exactly what this service is. Because it’ll still be you and your brother doing the hard and emotional stuff. And I would think the hard and emotional stuff, whilst answering to someone else entirely, would become harder, not easier.

I'd be grateful. It would mean I could use my limited time and energy doing nice things with them instead of paperwork and distressing decisions

Because elderly parents don’t have a grasp of their own mortality. Frailty is a can that’s kicked down the road.

Hard truth health isn’t always a steady decline . Sometimes a catastrophe happens and blindsides everyone.

Lol. Just listen to yourself.

The solicitor won't be doing any worrying or any of the day to day stuff btw. You will still do that.

Yup.

But OP and her brother will have no control over what happens to their parents, or how their finances and wellbeing are dealt with. The paid-by-the-hour solicitor will be doing that.

I'd probably feel relieved rather than offended. I can imagine that kind of stuff being a thoroughly stressful experience

My grandparents care caused a long lasting family split. 8 years later, I still have no contact with my mothers sister (my aunt) because of her behaviour around not wanting my grandparents in a care home, but equally not being able to provide care for them herself. It was an extremely stressful time and I hope my brother and I don’t have to go through anything similar.

I would think they'd done it out of the best of motives, to save their children a lot of grief and hassle. If I could figure out a foolproof way of removing that burden from my DC, then I would. I trust them implicitly.
Whether that turned out to actually be the best thing is another matter entirely. I know a fair few of the decisions made by my late ILs backfired. I fear that pps are correct in saying you'll be left with the grief and hassle, with very little power to do anything about it.

Honestly LPA is actually very stressful at times. I’d ask them why they did it. I would guess it’s to protect you.As pp says whether that is the right or wrong decision I don’t know. The fact is its hard when a parent looses capacity whatever way you look at it.

Until you have had to do it you have no idea how stressful and heartbreaking it can be having to make decisions for your elderly parents.

in my case I had to take the decision that my Alzheimer's suffering Dad would have to go into care. He told me he would die if I put him into care and that he couldn't believe his own daughter could be so cruel. He was doubly incontinent, couldn't find his way around his own home and did not sleep for days at a time. The day I took him in broke me. The way he looked at me. I never want to go through that again.

I would have been so thankful to have had a non family member make those decisions so dad didn't come to hate me. When I spoke to the family doctor afterwards she told me that Dad should have been in care at least a year before he went in. It's 15 years since he died and I still wake up sometimes in a cold sweat wondering what I'm going to do about Dad before I remember he has gone.

I'd be very grateful they'd taken the hard work and stress out of my hands.

OP only says finances. I assumed that’s the financial/legal power of attorney NOT the health power of attorney. It would be weird to hand medical decisions over to a solicitor.

I think your parents are remarkably naive if they think that a solicitor will have their best interests at heart in the same way their children will.

And as for relieving the stress of dealing with elderly parents ... will the solicitor be visiting them daily? Making sure they have dinners in the freezer? Accompany them to medical appointments? Call the public health nurse when they need additional help? Of course they won't. That will be on OP and her brother. All that the solicitor will do is pick the nursing home within the parents' means. I hope they take other things into consideration too - like how close the home is to their children, how close it is to friends who can visit, how nice it is (all considerations we had when helping MIL move to a nursing home recently).

Do people realise where the actual stress of dealing with elderly parents lies? It isn't picking a nursing home and releasing the funds. It is all the other stuff - that will still be done by OP and her brother.

It makes perfect sense to us. Unlike your parents, I discussed this extensively with my sons beforehand, and they raised concerns about how they felt about my wishes, and how we could mitigate, as far as possible, the problems we were foreseeing, and we agreed a specific third attorney (who is close to them both and has relevant expertise, and whom I trust completely) between us. As you say, they will have the emotional stress, but they will be involved in decision making, and they are both comfortable with the process we’ve chosen.

I find it odd that your parents didn’t discuss their plans with you ahead of time. It may be that they just think this is the best way to save you stress, or it may be they don’t think you and your brother will act in their best interests, or it may be they read some bollocks online that said always appoint a solicitor. You will need to ask them and be prepared for some frank conversations.

I've told my DCs and DP to put me in a home as soon as I lose my marbles, or similar. Just to make sure that I have red wine and chocolate, and TV.

I wish my parents had done this, instead it's been me. My mum went into care and my dad died suddenly very shortly afterwards. I then had to deal with deferred payment arrangements, selling the house, legal stuff and all of the finances around it and doing all the annual reviews even though my mum really has no money left now. I've hated every minute of it.

All of this while I was mid 30s, didn't know anyone else who'd had to deal with any of it, was grieving both my mum with Alzheimer's and my Dad's sudden death, 2 teenage kids and a stressful full time job with a lot of travel. It's genuinely been a nightmare. I would never, ever put my own kids through it.

I think your parents are remarkably naive if they think that a solicitor will have their best interests at heart in the same way their children will.

And you are remarkably naive if you honestly think that children always have their parents best interests at heart.

So is the POA with a solicitor? Did they set this up when they did wills?

@RedAndWhiteBlanket but it isn’t as easy as that and many people say that until it gets closer to the time when the decision needs to be made.

Fair point.

The OP, her brother and her parents need to have a detailed discussion about what is involved in this trust arrangement and what the parents want it to achieve. It may be that they have clearly set out the circumstances in which they would go into residential care etc.

I would take this as a positive thing having just gone through the whole finding a nursing home for my DM thing. It’s also refreshing to hear about parents planning for their future.

I would just try and find out if they have LPA’s is place and who is named on them.

I imagine this will only kick in once both of your parents aren’t of sound mind, which may not happen.

What if solicitor feels it best they stay in their own home, protecting their finances and the like. And you don’t. Who will be picking up the pieces physically and emotionally? The banking and paperwork is the easy stuff.
I would not be happy with this.

A financial LPA does not cover care. The OP and her brother will have to be arguing with the solicitor over where their parents go.