Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

Yes, as a regular on the Elderly Parents Board, my first thought that your parents are doing you a favour. They seem to have direct experience of the difficulties of caring for elderly parents and have taken that burden from you.

No idea if this is common or not, but I think it’s very thoughtful of them. Takes the burden off of you making the technical and financial decisions and means you can just be a daughter.

I expect my mum has similar, but we are estranged so she has no family to provide any care or support when she needs it.

I serisously cannot believe that people think this is a good idea. So this "dispassionate" solicitor is going to be in charge of OP's parents' care and their finances?

And that somehow negates any feelings that the OP and her brother might have about their parents' failing health and capacity?

This is the sad truth of it.

plus there will be a big bill for everything the appointee does contribute, which will come out of what needs to be paid for as a whole.

terrible idea in the context of a relatively happy and harmonious family and I can understand OP’s hurt at it being presented as a fait accompli without a chance to mention these reservations.

I suspect they’ve fallen for a sales pitch OP and I would want to investigate the appointee earlier.

I trust that this is not Craybeck Law in Benfleet, there was a series on R4 last year about them using PoA to fleece older people... I would not be too happy if my parents had done this.

Sit down with them and have a chat about it. Get everything crustal clear about what they are doing and why they are doing it.

I get the feeling they are doing it for your sake as much as theirs.

It's too late too have the conversation ehen they are mid 80s and needing care.

It isn't done because most people prefer to ignore the realities of aging, and also because even those of us who are aware don't think of doing this. Now I know it's an option, I'll certainly give it some thought.

Suspect they are not the only ones… just the first ones to be caught

But those problems are usually due to a lack of an LPA.

Do you think that a solicitor would be more able to make those elderly parents accept care? Do you think he would care?

Yes, to me and my brothers, and I wish she hadn't, as I said.

It's not fun. I did all of this stuff with my grandmother; believe me. It's horrible.

@Regainlap I feel for you OP. I think if this is the way your parents wanted to sort their affairs then, as a matter of courtesy, they should have let you know their intentions. That's what reasonable/loving parents would do.

My concern would be that they have signed up to a company that will fleece them for penny in the nave of protecting their interest.

Can you and your brother find out more? You will need to know who has been put in charge, because if/when there's an emergency the hospital/doctors etc will be asking you these questions.

My mum and dad had a really hard time dealing with their respective mums when they reached that stage and it did affect a lot of their decision making moving forward as they wanted to spare their own children that level of difficulty.
Assuming no other back story I would assume that this is the case here.

I agree, shouldn't OP's parents have assumed the best of her and her brother's ability to cope with it themselves?

@Regainlap purely from personal experience, "could" it have been as simple as, they were making their wills and were "encouraged/duped" into naming the solicitor as their executor?

And have they factored in the cost, do you think?

I completely understand why you'd be hurt though.

I would be hurt op. It’s like they don’t trust you to make the best decision for them. How can a professional Attorney have more knowledge and information about their wants and needs than their children? Bizarre.

I think using someone besides you and your brother takes the emotion out of it iykwim which might make tough decisions easier

Of course it is emotional and difficult however it’s very personal in many aspects and decisions can’t be made just formally. There are lots of ways how parents can help their children with this future burden e.g sorting all their paperwork, doing PoA in advance, paying up funeral plan etc etc but it’s not what was done here.

Of course if children can’t be trusted it is different. And from my pov OP’s mum clearly implied lack of trust. So of course OP is upset about the situation. It’s not like my MIL said to my DH a few years ago: oh I did full clear out and book a place near your Dad (deceased) so less hassle to you and girls (sisters) when I’m gone. And then later: I did all paperwork for the house so you wouldn’t have any problems.
That was out of care, whereas OP’s mum actions were different.

What did your dad say?

This is the Radio 4 series mentioned up thread - listening to it it was terrifying how easily people's lives were taken out of their control. You say your parents are switched on and will know what they're doing, but I'd still want to do some checking.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0025vhg

I'd be worried about the solicitor charging exorbitant fees or making poor decisions. I'd want to know how he/she could be challenged and how to get out of the contract if necessary.

However, I'm dreading having to care for my parents, I don't live nearby so no scope for me to check they are eating etc anyway. I'd be quite pleased to have someone else do it for me as long as they were honest and trustworthy.

I think that's extraordinarily generous and decent of your parents. In THEIR old age, they would rather be at the mercy of a solicitor than burden you or your brother. I'd ask them if they're 100% sure, and if they are I'd be beyond touched.

The solicitor won't be doing any worrying or any of the day to day stuff btw. You will still do that. They will do the admin and paperwork and instruct banks and deal with any legal issues related to old age and medical care. The solicitor may well ask for your input, and may well have been instructed to ask for your input.

I'm a bit surprised you take offence at this. Did you have a childhood of bickering with your brother?

And who will the OP's parents be calling when they don't like the solicitor's tough decisions? Yes, that's right, the OP and her brother.

Probably because she was a spiteful old bag. She was horrible to my sister when she was young and to me in later life because I got divorced and "brought shame on her"

When you draw up and agreement like this you typically go over the possible events and the choices, prefernces of the person concerned is made clear whilst they have capacity, it is very well thought out and quite intensive questioning.
More people should take this option tbh.

I think they’re trying to be kind- take pressure off you and your brother. Also to preserve your relationship if you disagree?