Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

The health one does.

A third attorney is very different from the OP and her brother having no say at all.

You're looking at this the wrong way and you're taking it personally. This isn't about you. It's about them and their right to choose.
The last decade of my life has been consumed by being an attorney/carer. I've moved family members into care homes. It's unspeakably difficult in every way - the admin, the finances, navigating the hell of funding, the terrible emotional and mental load. I'd never agree to be an attorney again. Your parents are doing you a massive favour. They are of sound mind and have made their decision based upon their own experiences. Trust their judgment and respect their choice.

OP said this:

decisions with our finances

OP and her brother need to find out if the solicitor also has a Health & Wellbeing LPA as well. Either way, I don't think it's the wonderful thing that people on this thread think it is.

I’d think they are very realistic and sensible parents. Loads of people have a solicitor as their LPA. It’s really common.

Would you want to get into a battle with your brother over your parents care?

It's good they've decided how they want it handled and are using an independent entity to sort it out.

It's less burden and stress on you. They clearly know what they want and don't want it to cause unnecessary admin or discord amongst their kids.

Either way it's their choice to make about their own lives. Being insulted or offended I feel is pretty misplaced.

Yes, I think this goes deeper? You said you have always felt criticised?

I think it's lovely, they don't want to burden you with it and maybe they sensed you and your brother would have different priorites?
I know my parent was worried about who to pick out of their children. I had to reassure him that we wouldn't fall out and we wouldn't mind who he picked as LPoA as long as someone was picked

It sounds like OP’s parents have in mind a period of time/ages when they themselves will be in fit condition to instruct their solicitor. Beyond that point, in my experience solicitors are only too willing to “take on board” the wishes of concerned children (read: take their instructions from the only people likely to sue them) when it comes to hard choices as long as they’re not in contradiction with standing instructions.

The solicitor is really just an amanuensis, only too glad not to make tough calls. Also there to protect their client from unwanted targeting, incidentally, by untrustworthy children and relatives as much as by greedy care homes etc…

@MrsPositivity1 yes I think that’s the case, that it’s only until they don’t have capacity

You would be very surprised to know how many siblings fall out regarding care of elderly parents re care homes etc. I think your parents are trying to make your life easier and it’s been done with very good intentions.

We’ve had to find care homes for both my FiL and my DM (both with dementia) and although it was very time consuming, looking at so many, I can’t say I’d ever have wanted to trust it to someone who didn’t know them! Some care homes can look all very nice on the surface, but not necessarily be right for a particular person.
An aunt of dh (frail, but no dementia) put herself for a month while her helper was away, in a very swish looking and expensive care home locally - it had sea views, the lot.

I visited her there twice - she hated it and couldn’t wait to get home. The staff were surly and miserable - it didn’t have a homely or welcoming atmosphere at all. But on the surface, to anyone calling in briefly, it would have looked entirely desirable.

@RedAndWhiteBlanket after this I think I will prepare myself to not get involved at all. They clearly don’t trust me and I can’t get past that, it’s completely changed how I see them

But that would be a Health & Welfare LPA. Which it doesn't sound like the solicitor has.

Either way, OP and her brother need to find out exactly what has been signed.

This sounds expensive and slightly odd. What does your brother think, since he is also a solicitor? You, your brother and a neutral person sounds more sensible to me, since any two thirds majority decision would involve family that knew the person involved.

@Regainlapi honestly wouldn’t look at it like this. I feel it may be to prevent any disagreement between you and your brother.

Ah. Now we're getting to the real issue.

They’ve each been through it and have decided that they would not want to put you or your brother through the same experience. Be grateful!

I think I would also be sad about the fact that they have clearly had conversations between themselves, decided to involve a solicitor, involved the solictor with one of the most important legal things that you can do, and never mentioned to you, or your brother - who is also a solicitor!

Sorry OP, it sucks.

What "experience"? What experience do you think that the OP and her brother are being excused?

Yes that’s what I said.

I think they’ve done this out of love and kindness.

It’s horrendous having to sort care for elderly parents, I still carry the scars.

My parents told me, when they were in their sixties that I would never have to sort care for them, they would sort it. They let things drift, dad died suddenly in his eighties. Mum went to pieces, understandably. She made me executor of her will, but wouldn’t give me poa. She rapidly declined, refused outside care, insisted that I do everything for her, I was teaching at the time, cut my hours which affected me financially, but there weren’t enough hours in the day to work and look after her. She wouldn’t downsize, refused medical intervention and died three years later. I had to sort everything, funeral, which she had refused to plan for, probate, huge house clearance and eventual sale, which was a bloody nightmare in itself. I had to pay for everything until probate was granted, and for months finances were very tight.

See the bigger picture here OP, I would never put my adult kids through what I went through, even though they are more than capable of sorting it.

I thought my siblings and I got on fine until it came to sorting out care for elderly parents as they gradually faded. It's surprising what the whole experience can reveal about your different attitudes to what really matters. I honestly think your parents have done you a favour here by keeping things neutral!

The experience of having no life of your own, worrying so much you become ill, possible disputes with siblings such as one wants to do everything on the cheap and the other doesn’t etc etc etc.

I would absolutely love this. I think they are doing you a huge favour.
What were your parents' experiences with making arrangements for their parents? Perhaps not good, so they want to relieve you of the burden.