Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

This will sound mean but I mean it so genuinely and with kindness, why are you having a baby with a man you stay at work late to avoid?

Well I didnt think it would be like this

Ah is avoiding thing just a recent thing, sorry I misunderstood

Do some reading on DV, be on the lookout for red flags, have an idea of somewhere to go or money for a hotel if things take a turn xx

In what possible way is your question helpful?

If you want/ need him there, then he should be there. Sorry you are going through this alone. x

Not helpful.

Trying to understand her mindset? I've left other helpful comments with advice if you'd like to go and judge those

You staying late at work to avoid him, not having access to the heating controls and him being annoyed you’re getting up at night to pee are really bad signs OP.
It’s really good that the midwife has referred you, you need to tell them everything that’s happening and get all the support you can.

Are we reading the same thread?! As on the thread I’m reading, 95% think YANBU and that this man is treating you abominably. A small handful have questioned the crying and/or your characterisation of your reaction as ‘hysterical’.

To state that there are several posters who think I am creating drama and over reacting is to misrepresent the responses you’ve received. You know that his behaviour isn’t acceptable. You know that you’re not overreacting. If anything, you’re severely under reacting.

I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this. Nobody deserves to be treated so callously, particularly at such a vulnerable time.

Are you sure? He doesn't act like he wants to be married to you, let alone be having a baby together.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across harsh, but you definitely deserve more.

It is good that you have been referred. You need support. Turning up for multiple appointments hysterical would worry any healthcare professional. It would be poor duty of care if they ignored this.

I only cried at the one on Sunday after they asked me if I was partnered as they never see me with my husband

Why? What are you gaining from being with him?

If you were to prioritise your wellbeing and that of your baby, from this moment on, what would that look like? Would a life in which you and your child were your number one priority include this man?

I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset).

Your OP states otherwise

I think this is very sweeping and quite unhelpful, sorry.

Lots of people (men) who haven't had a baby before are a bit crap. It doesn't feel real or intense the way it does for us. It's all a bit surreal until the baby is here. My partner was like this until he got the absolute shock of his life during the birth 😂. Has been very engaged and supportive since. He was much better second time around.

The OP hasn’t turned up hysterical to multiple appointments. She has been upset on the way to appointments, and once, this most recent time, cried when the midwife was kind and intuitive enough to realise something was amiss.

I hope you can explain to the perinatal mental health that problems in your relationship are a part of the issue if not the whole issue.

Huh?

There is a hell of a lot wrong with your relationship, and basically with him.

His behaviour is appalling. My marriage would have ended if my DH had behaved like that.

You need to tell him straight that you expect to be cared for and loved more now than usual, not less. He has to step up immediately.

What was he doing that was more important than you had the baby ?
He is not a good man.

There's being crap or lazy and there's being mean, nasty and uncaring. Her DH is the latter.

I fear you and the baby will be forever shunned.
What's going to happen when the baby gets here and wakes every few hours for a feed? It will definitely keep him up. Your bedroom should be both of yours. You should both share duties when baby arrives.
If anyone should have vacated the marital bed, it should have been him.
I honestly think he's vile. Especially waking you up when you are asleep in the spare room - after already banishing you from your main bedroom - to tell you that you should have turned the hallway light off! Who wakes a pregnant woman?
He's treating you like shit.

Might be worth speaking to HIDVA you are under the heading emotional abuse plus you have previous history of abuse within your family. You could also reach out to women’s aid that will be able to support you.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Do women on mumsnet just have kids with anyone 🤔

Your life is going to be a living hell once the baby is born. You need to access whatever help you can. Talk to your midwives and let them know that you are basically going to be parenting alone. Your health visitor can also help. Don't try to struggle on your own.

Obviously you need to make plans to leave even though you are not strong enough to deal with it all now.

So sorry you are going through your first pregnancy with so little support OP.
Do you have any friends or family nearby?
If so, please reach out to them.

Your husband does not appear to have any empathy for you or any enthusiasm for his future child which is a major concern.

From your comments, it sounds like he has disengaged so I'm wondering why he ever popped the question.

You absolutely need additional support at this time.
It might be worth reaching out to a local helpline or women's refuge centre for a chat and to relieve some of the tension you are keeping inside.

Take care.