Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

This sounds incredibly tough - and for what it’s worth his behaviour is a problem and not good. You are not imagining that. I would absolutely get all the mental health support I could but also start building your own network of support - friends, join NCT of an equivalent etc. I don’t know your financial circumstances but I would also try and make sure they are rock solid as best you can - make sure he is contributing appropriately to all the baby costs, you aren’t using your savings up during maternity leave but instead are using joint money to support your child, etc.

If you feel up to it after mental health support and building your support network I’d then have a come to Jesus discussion with him along the lines of “the baby is unlikely to sleep through the night for at least the first 6 months - I am going to need you to do X, X and X to support the baby. Once we have the baby there will be a bunch more things. Once I go back to work we will need to share all childcare and housework equally - that means you doing X, X and x. Are you up for that or do you think that your life is going continue as normal with no meaningful additional work and responsibilities. If the latter then it’s best you left the home and we can organise child support and once the child is older a shared custody schedule because you don’t understand what being a father in this family looks like.

I’ve gone to all appointments myself apart from scans, so I don’t think that’s unusual in itself but his attitude is awful! It doesn’t sound like he cares about the baby or you, I’m really sorry he’s being so horrible. What does he say if you ask him why he’s being this way?

Oh op. He is showing he doesn't care for you or the baby. No decent person would let their pregnant partner drive themselves to check the baby is OK or shout at you for being sick.

I'm actually a bit worried he could turn abusive op and I don't usually day things like that.

This is nonsense. It is, in fact, ‘sweeping and unhelpful’. Men who are not arseholes do not behave like this. It’s neither normal nor acceptable. We should not minimise poor male behaviour.

If your partner ever behaved like this, then he was being a dick and treating you reprehensibly. I’m very glad that he eventually became engaged and supportive, but that doesn’t excuse his earlier behaviour or make it something ‘lots of men’ do.

How old is he? He sounds very rigid and controlling yet disengaged from the reality of living in a relationship or becoming a parent.

Very good advice.

Also the advice to work out an alternative support network if possible because I expect you would be less anxious if you knew he would have your back and take care of you.
And also if he didn't tell you off for being sick when you were in fact... sick.
Also banish you to a cold spare room because he cannot be woken up at night.

He sounds uncaring. I'm glad your midwife referred you so that you have someone to talk to in real life and help you plan the rest of your pregnancy in a way that makes you feel supported.
Wishing you the very best OP x

Oh sweetie, listen to yourself.
You work late to avoid him?
And he doesn't prepare a meal for you?
And why is he nagging you about the light ffs?

This relationship is over.
Seriously, you might find it easier without him. Is he going to complain (or go out) when the baby cries? Is he going to bring you drinks or meals while you are breastfeeding? Or expect you to (somehow) clean the house and do his washing?

YNBU sorry OP he sounds like a waste of space. I’d probably have an alternative birth partner on standby in case he’s too busy to come to the birth. He doesn’t sound supportive at all. Have you told him how you feel and that you want him there?

My first pregnancy was during Covid and I had to go to maternity triage a few times and my husband would always come with me and just sit and wait in the car for hours so he was nearby (wasn’t allowed to come in due to Covid). He was gutted when he wasn’t allowed to come to any appointments with me and would’ve happily sat outside in the car for those too but I told him it was a waste of time. My second child he came to scan appointments and to maternity triage with me when I had reduced movement.

No!
😁

When the mental health people call you should take all the help offered.

Honestly I'd call his behaviour abuse.

Leaving you in the cold.
Complaining that you get up in the night for a wee? FFS.
You stay late at work to avoid him. I would too.
And not attending a single pregnancy appointment with you even when it was an emergency and very late at night.
If you had been admitted overnight would he have even wondered where you were?

This will only get worse OP I'm sorry to say. He won't be of any help with the baby and after that... if he can only grumble about you while pregnant he's not going to cherish you when you get older either. What's the point of carrying on with him.

Get your money together and leave him - or tell him to leave. Ask the mental health person for help with that.

I'm so sorry OP.

Your husband appears to be completely disengaged from your pregnancy. He's not interested in you, the pregnancy or your baby. He's got some very odd ideas regarding babies and how they sleep. He's going to have a massive shock.

Unfortunately, I fear that you are going to have little to no support from your husband once your baby arrives. I think you're going to hear a lot about the fact he's got to go to work, so needs to sleep. Is he taking any paternity leave?

You have said that your husband wanted a baby, but his behaviour certainly doesn't give that impression.

My husband came to my scan appointments but all other appointments I went to by myself or sometimes my parents would accompany me. I had to have extra scans, so I had more appointments.

I think it's a good idea that you have been referred to MH support. I think your MH has declined because of the way your husband is treating you, and you are terrified the man you've married isn't who you thought he was.

If he's like this is the pregnancy he's not gunna get any better once baby comes along sorry OP. I'd prepare yourself to be parenting alone. Even if you dont seperate.

Why is her reaction extream? Id be screaming too if I had to deal with the whole pregnancy and its stress, reduced movement as well is very stressful all alone.

Op. Im so sorry to hear youre going thru this and I hope you're ok..your partner should 100 per cent be there for you. His behaviour is unacceptable and maybe now you've been referred for some support he will see how bad he has behaved. Let the hospital support you but don't put yourself down for being upset. Its perfectly normal to be stressed and need support, talk to your doctors and let them support. Good luck and I hope you're ok.

WTF is wrong with some of the posters on here? Honestly, just horrible. OP you look after yourself.

I’m really so disgusted at the posters who have implied op is being a drama queen or a hypochondriac for attending MAU with concerns over her unborn baby. Do these people not care that they could potentially be responsible for a woman not attending MAU when there was something seriously wrong with the pregnancy?

I am in a similar position so hope this makes you feel a bit better. I am 36 weeks and been to triage probably 6 times for reduced movement. My partner does not come if he’s at work, or sleeping before/after a night shift. It’s not practical, he works all over London. Though I know that he would come immediately if I called him to say something was wrong after being assessed. If he is at home on a normal shift pattern, he will come with me. But there’s no way he would have considered missing the 12 and 20 weeks scans as was excited for them. He has missed a couple of growth scans as they are so last minute and again, he’s been at work. If he missed them for any reason other than work, I’d be furious.

OP I feel so very sorry for your situation. Many years ago I was pregnant with a husband who had agreed to us having a baby, but once I was pregnant changed his mind and for months tried to bully me into an abortion. I refused despite daily pressure because I had lost my other baby suddenly when she was 9 months old.

To appease him I had to basically hide my pregnancy from everyone other than health professionals for months until it became too obvious about 26 weeks.

I so wish someone had picked up on my situation and offered me mental health counselling. Please, grab any help you are offered with both hands. Don't be like me and bottle everything up. I ended up actively planning suicide when my baby was just a few months old as I just felt unable to go on. Fortunately I at last got the help I'd so desperately need for a long time.

I also found my baby picked up on the terrible atmosphere with her father at home and cried non stop for months. I don't think this is the time to be planning leaving your husband. But if he doesn't step up once the baby is born don't stay with him for the sake of your baby. As I discovered a child is much happier with a stable single parent than a couple at war.

I wish you all the very best and really hope your husband does step up and become the father you hoped he would be x

Oh, this sounds grim. I'm sorry. You must feel terribly alone.

Yep

Sorry to jump on your thread, OP (but it is relevant to the responses you've had).

I just read that the maternal death rate in the UK rose by 20% in the last 14 years.

It hasn't gone down, or stayed the same - it's leapt up.

This is partly because women feel pressure 'not to make a fuss'. The OP is absolutely right to take reduced foetal movements seriously and to follow medical advice to go and be checked out.

The posters on this thread hinting that she might be being dramatic to do that really need to educate themselves.

Have you considered if you did separate where you would want to live?
It sounds a dire relationship, and if it ends after baby is born he might be able to prevent you moving to live near family - as they are so far away.
If you think that when the relationship ends you’d want to be living far away from where too currently do - there’s something to be said for considering a move before baby is born.

I am going to talk about myself for a moment my partner went to 1 scan and the birth. I took the bus to all my appointments. It's not nice when professionals ask you that question because it makes you question your relationship. A trainee HV asked me why I didn't have any friends I was new to the area and most parents were older than me. The question did piss me off because it made me question myself.

I had a lot of issues and extra visits to be monitored after scares as I had pre-eclampsia. My dh didn’t come with me as I didn’t want him to be there - I don’t like a fuss and we only had one car, logistics of getting to work etc. so I just thought it was easier/better. But you did want your dh there and he could have been so he absolutely should have gone with you.

Is he minimising your feelings? Is he freaking out about becoming a dad? I don’t think this automatically means he’ll be a crap dad but he’s certainly being a shit husband at the moment. is there someone who could have a word with him eg his sibling?

When it comes to giving birth make sure to voice how you feel. I had to with my last birth they wanted me to have a natural birth and that weren't going to happen. Listen to your body and how you feel. It's their job to monitor you and ensure you have a safe pregnancy and birth.

Oh what a disappointing and bullying partner you have. It's a pity you there isn't someone else to advocate for you apart from your Midwives. Go and see them if anything doesn't feel right, even if you think it's just a little niggle.

DH is a totally different kettle of fish. You need a very comfortable bed, so he has to move into the spare room TONIGHT, just make sure you go to bed first. The other point is that you need to install the heating controls onto your phone. He also has to start doing most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. You should inform him that your health and the baby's is at risk unless he does all these things and it is non-negotiable.

Obviously you cannot do anything about his reaction, attitude or mental support. You are far better than him and by doing all these things hopefully his bullying will subside.