Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

You need the app on your phone with the log in for the heating. He is not making sure the room is warm for you, it is basic caring.

I hate to suggest this but are you a broken appliance? This is where you are no longer able to do your usual duties in the house, the bed, sleep through the night, you get the idea and so you are now an inconvenience and he thinks everything will somehow be back to normal once the baby arrives as pregnancy is making you this way.

You need to talk to him about the realities of caring for a newborn. I hope you have a freezer full of meals but if you don't then there are ready made meals from companies like Bozu who can deliver you a set of meals you can just heat up, not a meal service like Gusto where you make it.

I attended a lot of my appointments by myself but for any outside of normal check in with the midwife Dh was with me. If I needed to go to the hospital he would have driven me there, not expected me to try to concentrate driving whilst worrying myself sick that something was wrong with the baby.

What about his family? Are you close to them?

I haven’t asked my husband to come to any appointments within my 2 pregnancies apart from the scans, they’re a bit pointless for him to attend in my opinion. However, reduced movements is a different story and I would have made sure he drove me and at least picked me up, but with work not till the afternoon he had no excuse.

I would be having a serious conversation with your husband about what it is expected of him.

You know what?
It really isn't about adjusting the heating.
More about men needing their heads manually adjusted.

Oh this is sad. Does he not understand that reduced movements are a worry and not a normal routine appointment?

You drove yourself there and would not have been in a safe condition to drive back if it was bad news. (You would have been advised not to).

I have experience here, and the resentment of my husband choosing not to accompany me lasted many years.

He needs to shape up. I've no idea how you can get through to him though. Maybe ask him what he would have done if it was bad news, could he have lived with the guilt?

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

He is showing zero interest and concern. This will only get worse once the baby is there. Can you line up some (hired) support? I can see him on the golf course after you’ve had multiple nights awake with an upset baby and zero f* ks given as he has gotten his sleep since ‘he has to work’.

He sounds very uncaring , which is worrying at this point. You could sit him down and discuss expectations , but to be honest , for reduced fetal movement he should have cared enough to just come and support you with that no questions asked. YANBU.

I had a scan due to bleeding and an appointment for reduced movements and I went to both alone. If anything horrible had been discovered at either appointment then I would have called DP, but luckily all was ok.

Obviously if OP needed her partner there and he was in a position to attend (i.e. wasn't at work) but declined, then that's pretty cold.

Then you need to get the app on your phone.

My mate is divorcing her abusive husband, controlling the heating from his phone was just one of the things he did.

He doesn’t need to be there? And what if, god forbid, op had gone to the unit for reduced movements to be told she’d lost her baby, like lots of women sadly do?

But presumably your husband wouldn’t have been angry with you for not making it to the toilet in time when you had morning sickness? That’s the kind of arsehole OP is dealing with.

Well he sounds like a total dickhead. I don't know what else there is to say! I think you need to have conversation about how he's going to support you through the newborn stage and beyond.

Posters calling this ‘drama’ when the OP says she is normally very stoic and un-anxious - you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Deleted as OP has since answered my question about family support.

OP please speak to the midwives openly and honestly about what’s happening, you need some practical support in place asap so you have some friendly and empathetic people in place once baby arrives.

Your anxiety could be hormones, but your partner should be the first port of call to help support you through your anxiety and it doesn't sound like he is. I'm so sorry you're not getting that support. I hope your referral is a wake up call to him, but if not I'm glad you are getting some help.

He sounds like a prick. I will add that my children's dad came to every appointment and emergency one (near the end of pregnancy, reduced movements). But with our second he obviously had to stay with our first baby. But that's normal when there's more than one, I don't think it's as normal for him to be so disinterested already..

You need to spell it out to him.
Him attending is not optional, especially in later stages
You need support
It's his job to give you support

I'm sorry you are going through this. Was he this bad (and yes this is bad) before you were pregnant? He's not going to make a good dad at this rate

I dont know if I just ignored it or he was?
I am honestly so confused

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like things have been difficult for you. It is hardly surprising that you were upset.

Do you have friends who might be able to support you? I know it's hard to ask for help, but I would readily help a friend in your situation and plenty of others would too.

Have you spoken to your partner about what happened at the hospital?

You need to talk to him. You need to explain that this could have been serious: you could have ended up being induced and there was a real risk.

I think the more you talk to him, the more you will get a sense of whether he can change or not.

Do you honestly think there’s a possibility that YABU? Genuinely? If so, what do you think YABU about, exactly?

Has he always been selfish and acted like 'king of the castle'?

Well there are several posters who think I am creating drama and over reacting so this was my concern

With the appointments I’m not sure if you are expecting too much. Dh cam to 12 and 20 week scan and the antenatal classes but he never attended the midwife appointments as he was working and not needed. But had I needed to go in for a concern he would have absolutely come. Forthat your dh was definitely unsupportive. How is he other wise - excited about the baby? Planning for the arrival? Looking after you?

How is leaving before the baby is born going to make her life easier?