Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

You're not wrong to feel that way. I'd be very concerned about his lack of involvement.

I mean if he was literally at work, in the middle of a shift and had no leave days left, and he could risk being fired for taking the time off, then I understand.

But golf trips and needing to go to work in the afternoon after an incident isn't really a good excuse is it?

And whinging like a toddler 'Do I have to come...?' 'Well yeah you didn't have to cum but you did and that's why I'm pregnant so now it is 50% your responsibility sunshine'

Exactly. I was told to come in (or phone the maternity triage number) if I suspected anything was wrong. This was stressed to me multiple times during my pregnancy. They'd rather see a woman who is fine than miss something, especially with regards to reduced fetal movements. (I had lots of extra appointments for growth scans.) And I went to them all on my own because my ex didn't want to come with me.

I did most routine appointments myself as no point dragging husband out of work. He came to scans and when I had to have extra scans and appointments due to complications I couldn’t have kept him away. Sorry sounds like he’s not going to step up. He’s not a good man, husband and he won’t be a good father.

She will have peace of mind. She won't be living with someone who will blame her for messing up the carpet, needing to sleep during the day, needing time or support from him, or the baby not being in a sleep routine from birth. At best it's like living with an enemy, at worst, it could get dangerous. Women are at their most vulnerable post birth. The blessing is that at least he won't be giving up the golf. The comment over the carpet is taste of what's to come and I'd put money on the OP living on her nerves.

Yeah, how is leaving the abusive twat who doesn't give a shit about the OP or her baby going to make her life easier?

Huh, tell me that!

/s

We didn't get any live babies but my husband came to every maternity and miscarriage and fertility appointment we had.

Yours is an arsehole. I'd be making plans accordingly.

It’s true, there have been several ‘pick me’ types on here but overwhelmingly, posters have agreed that you absolutely aren’t being unreasonable and that your husband is a cunt.
A very serious conversation is required where you don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this behaviour is normal. It’s not.
I echo another poster who recommended you sign up for NCT classes - I did with my 1st pregnancy and had invaluable support from some of the women I met there.
Lastly, and most importantly, please, please don’t ever worry about going to the MAU. Even if you think you might be worrying over nothing - if something is concerning you, call and go in. Concerns should never be ignored in pregnancy. Best of luck x

Unfortunately he either dislikes you or doesn't give a shit about you. Neither are good. I'm not sure what you can do if you don't have a wider support network.

From what you've said of his behaviour he is a crap husband and will make a crap dad too.

He 8s an abusive twat who does not wanr a baby.
Be open with the team.
Yes i have a dh but he is unsupportive and wont let me have heating on
You will need all the support they can guve you.
Can you hire a nanny to suppport you during first weeks?
You need practical support and if no family can you hire someone?

It's a good thing you've been referred to perinatal mental health. It doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong' with you. It just means that, given your situation, it's perfectly reasonable that you may find some aspects of this huge transition challenging and need a bit more support.

Apart from incubating a human being in your body for the first time and being about to push it out of a very sensitive area (neither to be taken lightly), you may find becoming a mother brings up some difficult issues from your own childhood & relationship with your mother. The person you planned to go through this life changing event with is opting out and being uncaring and no longer wants to share a bed with you. Plus you're not sleeping, have been sick, have responsibilities at work to keep up with and you don't have much other support. Of course you're feeling tearful and anxious and I expect a bit angry and hurt too. Perfectly understandable that you burst into tears when someone was kind to you. No need to assume hormones are the problem.

Support from the MH team may help you to give your DH a kick up the rear and adjust his expectations. Don't be too stoical and let people know what support you need. Pregnancy and becoming a mother are enormous life changes and having support will mean you can actually enjoy the process.

You are not overacting. This is meant a happy time, if he had to go to A&E would you not go with him ? Find a female friend or your mom to support you don’t rely on him especially in labour. My friends partner left her in labour & went home because he was hungry. I stayed with her. Really poor care ( disclaimer I was a midwife)she had an emergency delivery as it was a face presentation, he passed out in the chair.
what I am trying to say is think about you & the baby & who will support you when you need help. His mom, sometimes mother to be do better with mother in law, men also feel less fight or flight panic if someone else is there. Not sure if that helps. Sending hugs. X

IT IS NEVER CAUSING DRAMA TO GET CHECKED OUT IN PREGNANCY!

Just saying it loud for those in the back. PPs have said it well but midwives would always rather you came in for nothing than didn’t go in when you really needed to. Don’t delay and don’t feel you’re being a nuisance!

I’m so sorry OP - he really is not a caring man.
And do NOT stop going to the MAU for spotting or reduced foetal movements.
I wish I’d forced the issue re movements and pain with my first DD. She died in utero and I nearly died too (massive placental abruption - but there were multiple warnings signs all ignored by doctor).
After her I had another DD (complicated pregnancy and she’s disabled). I had to be very careful at the end to watch for going into labour and had spotting on my last day of work before she was delivered. I was in like a shot and my DH left work to take me.
My DH isn’t even a particularly good husband!!
Never stop asking if there’s reduced movements for assistance from MAU.
Get as much support as you can from family now, before the baby is born because this guy is not going to do it.

Amen, sister.

You've got to wonder at the stupidity of some people who don't seem to connect 'having quite a few antenatal appointments' with 'hmm, maybe this is a pregnancy that included some complications and maybe the OP needs to be extra careful'.

Thank you for all the responses
even when I sleep in the other room if I get up to pee he mentions it the next morning
He just comes into my room to remind me to turn the light off
Thankfully I can stay at work most days until about 7-8 to avoid him and then by the time I get home make some dinner then off to bed

I cannot believe things I read on here sometimes.

OP in so sorry you are alone thru all this. Your OH is an absolute arse. Missed a scan for golf.....didn't go with you when you had reduced fetal movements because of work the next afternoon?!

Honestly what the hell?!

Has he always been this detached and uncaring or is this new since pregnancy?

Im so sorry to say but things are about to get a lot harder/tougher thru labour, a new born , toddler, etc they get ill, you will be knackered etc can you really depend on this man?! I am disgusted for you, does he have a female figure in his family id have a chat with them, if this was my son is be absolutely ashamed!

@Sanpellegrino1 this is not a relationship of equal partners who love each other. It sounds more like unwilling flatmates who don’t like each other at all. You deserve so much more than this.

This relationship sounds awful OP. Are you considering separation?

No I could not face it at the moment

Sorry to hear this that sounds so tough and not at all what you’d expect from a loving partner.

I am aware that not all partners are granted time off work for scans but let’s be real
most partners will book it off or speak with their manager about getting some flexibility for that day. Especially for the 20 week scan where you find out so much information- unless you had a reason like you really couldn’t be there, say you are in the armed forces, fair enough, but otherwise you’d expect the dad to be excited to be there and find a way to make it happen.

My husband, came to all the scans, when I fell over once he met me at the hospital to attend the check up with me. He is quite flexible with his work so of course that helps but a lot of employers would be understanding.

You deserve so much more than this. You deserve a partner who is as excited as you, as concerned as you, who’s really properly looking after you during such a vulnerable time. I saw a comment saying you’ve been to a lot of appointments like that was somehow a problem, if you have a UTI or spotting that should absolutely be checked, and reduced movement- I went in twice for that as they always say don’t take chances. Even if you’re not normally anxious, pregnancy can make even the most chill person anxious and it’s perfectly reasonable to seek advice and support from medical professionals during this time so ignore anyone implying you are being OTT.

I am glad the midwife referred you to the peri mental health team, I was referred when my baby was here and they were very helpful to me.

Sending all best wishes to you.

Oh dear god. He is in for a shock with the sleep.

Does he get angry/aggressive or withdraw/sulk if he doesn't get his own way? Either is not good. You'd be better off on your own, youve already got a baby OP its your husband

I think I cried so much to the intuitive midwife in maternity assessment as I was so relieved someone picked up I was at the end of my tether. Once I started to cry I could not stop. She actually went away called someone and did the referral there and then - I am to expect a phone call by Friday.

Just want to say that no you're not being unreasonable and nor is your reaction extreme. You are unsupported and RFM is actually pretty fucking stressful. If you have further instances of it you may be admitted, induced, booked for a C-section among other things. You may not even realise exactly how much you are worrying about RFM but it can take a heavy toll and so far you are shouldering that alone.

I don't know if you're just looking for people to support you so you're not going mad so if so - you're not not going mad. YANBU.

Edit: Btw when I was in for RFM and the doctor - not the midwife - came and said they strongly recommended induction I was pretty fucking hysterical and that was with support. You're on edge and that is NORMAL and it is clearly being compounded by the feckless, selfish father.

I only had one pregnancy and never did a single appointment by self (once every 3 weeks where I live!). Get rid.

"Thankfully I can stay at work til 7-8 to avoid him"
OP come on.
This isnt a happy life. Dont stay and bring a child into it. You'd be much happier alone. Happy baby happy mum 😊