to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

But you had discussed it. You said you couldn’t afford to stay at the more expensive hotel and she’d said she wasn’t satisfied with the cheaper one. That seems pretty clear you would be staying at different accommodation.

What more do you feel should have been discussed?

YANBU. it would have been nice of her to treat you, or slum it with you/ have a shorter trip you could afford, if she didn't want to do that. Staying in separate hotels is weird. One of you will have to go home alone at the end of the evening. A bit odd for an old mates trip.

well I expected us to agree on a different hotel together if she didn't like that one! I certainly didn't think she would invite me on a trip then book by herself.

She told you at the time of suggestion she wants the nice hotel

Then maybe ask her can you find somewhere acceptable to both of you as you cannot afford the more expensive hotel so you can stay together? Her response will be telling, assuming she's booked a cancellable rate.

I would just tell her that you hope she has fun, but you're not coming anymore if you're not doing it together.

Yeah, I didn't expect her to buy me the room, but I thought she could stay with me at a different hotel. I'm sure we would still have found a nice one.

to clarify - we BOTH felt last year that the expensive hotel was too much. She said it to me. That's why we split our time between a cheaper hotel and the fancier hotel for the main night/event but now she's in a new job with a better salary.

@ToKittyornottoKitty she definitely didn't specify she wanted that at all. She just that she didn't want to return to the other one.

I only realised in the last few years how different people are re lodgings- I stayed a few times in hotels with friends totally based on price and thought they’d been perfect then afterwards loads of people made comments on different places we’d been saying ‘oh god it was so basic’ or talking about noise, or the size etc etc. I always was just happy they were clean and modern!! I think she probably just thought she’d made the sacrifice last year and wanted to stay this time.

@Branleuse yes I'm considering cancelling.

I think it might cause a problem in the friendship but she really should have thought about this before inviting me then making her own plan.

I still don’t think she’s ’self absorbed’, it seems harsh. Can you book the cheap hotel by yourself?

She didn’t invite you, don’t make it like she asked you to her personal event here. All she did was ask you if you wanted to attend and you said you agreed. You both then discussed where to stay and she wanted to stay at the more expensive one. I don’t think she did anything wrong at all here.
im guessing you were hoping she subbed you and asked you to stay at the more expensive one and you’re upset she didn’t.
she isn’t self absorbed in any way

@Morepositivemum and to be honest, if that's the case then fine. Why not just go herself this year and enjoy her newfound wealth?

She spent months convincing me to go, only to book without me knowing I'm on reduced income this year. That rubs me up the wrong way.

If you would have had separate rooms in the hotels anyway, it won’t make much of a difference? Just say goodbye at the end of each evening and meet up again in the morning? Or were you expecting to share a room and pay 50% each?

really surprised how many folk think it's normal to ask a friend on a trip then book accommodation without them. We've been going on trips together for about 13 years and have never booked separately like this. She's clearly done it because she knew I couldn't afford but she just wanted what she wanted.

no, she didn't state she wanted to stay at the more expensive one. All she said was she didn't like the cheaper hotel, ie let's make a different choice. I was shocked when she told me she'd booked the expensive one for her for the whole weekend.

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Do you usually share a room? If not it won't be a big impact. When youre ready to go to sleep, go to your separate hotels.

You're going to the event together, yes? Just staying in separate accommodation as you have different budgets? I don't see what's wrong with that. If you're in the same city and attending the same event, I don't see why it's necessary to stay in the same hotel. You're still able to spend the days/evenings together, just sleeping in your own accommodation.

I don't see the issue either. I wouldn't expect a friend to stay somewhere she was uncomfortable just so we're in the same building to sleep.

There’s loads of posts on this forum that blow my mind . I never realised how different people think to each other and I often wonder if it’s me or them 🤣

Like posts on families , it’s mad how many families act like strangers and how many people seem to hate human kind even when they are related to them .

edited to add I quoted the wrong post of yours OP but the same stands.

I am with you OP. It was snide of her to agree to go somewhere with you and then book somewhere she knew you couldn’t afford. I would feel as though she wasn’t bothered about me being there at all so I wouldn’t go to the event with her.

Why can't you go and stay at different hotels? I do this with friends. We have different accommodation wants and needs. What does it matter that you don't sleep at the same location? You'd still spend the days and evenings with her. I think you're unreasonable.

well no. I took on board she didn't like it and looked forward to choosing somewhere new together. She removed that choice by doing her own thing without discussion.

Were you planning to share a room?

I understand what happened. I don't understand why you're upset about it.

@shhblackbag 'different accommodation wants and needs' in this case simply means that for one year I can't afford the most expensive place and instead of compromising, she still wants the best for herself. I'm sure we could have found another quality hotel that wasn't quite as much.

actually just had a quick look and found a 4 star hotel at a reasonable price.

Her decision is hardly in the spirit of friendship.