to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

In her position I'd have at least let you know what I planned to do.

"sorry, Lurking, but I'd really like to stay in that nice hotel, so I'm planning to book it this evening. If you need something cheaper, Hotel X is more affordable, looks nice and is nearby so we can still make the most of our time together"

little thing called communication.

hey Jess, I know you said you couldn't afford the Hilton but I really want to stay there. happy to book just for myself and we can meet up after breakfast if you want but thought I'd just let you know my plan. let me know if anything has changed, I'll book at lunch time.

I agree. I really don't understand why it's such a big issue. The event will still be attended together. Surely that's the important bit.

To me, her response suggests she didn't even realise it was a discussion to be had. She asked if you wanted to go on the trip; you said yes. She said she didn't want to stay in the cheap hotel. Am I right you didn't reply to this? You don't seem to have done. So she waited a bit, then booked where she wanted and let you know.

It's only a big deal if you make it one.

I think there are a lot of autistic answers on this thread and I'm autistic myself so I'm allowed to say it.

The main point is that she didn't act in a way that friends should act. It doesn't matter about all the minor details.

and on that note, she didn't book a ticket to the event until I said I'd go with her. She spent a couple of months convincing me to go.

It sounds like you were hinting for her to pay. That is unless you looked up any alternative hotels that would have suited both your needs?

@SarahAndQuack what happened was - about a week after she told me she hated the cheaper hotel - she messaged me to say 'remind me the name of the nicer hotel we stayed at last year?'. I sent her the name and then she replied saying 'ok I decided to just go ahead and treat myself. Booked up there for the whole weekend.'

It was a surprise to me. Wires majorly crossed.

@NonComm I was planning to look at alternative hotels yes. I just didn't get the chance! I certainly did not expect her to pay my way.

@LorettaYoung You are being perfectly normal OP. In my world (and that of most people I know) if you arrange to go away with a friend you would almost certainly expect to be staying in the same hotel/holiday cottage. And you would usually choose the place together. Only on Mumsnet does this seem like an unreasonable or outrageous idea.

do you normally share a room op?

we don't share a room for everyone asking. it's neither here nor there.

If you don’t stay together, what’s the point?

They are adults, not children.

But isn't part of the fun of going away with friends being in the same place? - late night chats or having drinks in your room/eating breakfast together?

This sounds more like distant work colleagues who stay separately until they meet in the conference room

You seem so convinced you're not BU, OP - why did you even ask?

The vote is 50/50 and now you've confirmed you weren't even planning to share a room anyway, surely it's a moot point.
Why would you be so desperate to stay in the same hotel if you weren't even staying in the same room?! She's sorted her accommodation out, now you sort yours. All totally normal. You're the one being dramatic here.

I see this as the same as when you go out with your mates, you stick together, it's safer for both of you to stay at the same hotel.

It sounds like rather than viewing this as a joint holiday where the details of flights, hotels, activities etc would usually be agreed between you, she sees this as you both attending the same event and making your own arrangements outside that.

if you would usually plan things together I suspect she just wanted a buddy for the event and isn’t interested in your plans beyond that.

I once fell out with a friend for something similar. She hounded me to go to a particular place and then booked her flights before we’d even firmed up dates. She then lost her mind when I said those dates weren’t actually workable for me.

Do you still want to go on the trip?

No, being in the same hotel makes zero difference to my fun. We'd spend the day together, including breakfast if wanted, until we wanted to go to bed. Then we go to separate beds to sleep. I don't see the appeal of sitting and drinking in a hotel room but you could do that if you wanted.

They can still do all that, just one person goes round the corner after late night drinks, or comes round for breakfast.

I have work colleagues from other countries that I meet up with at events several times a year. I would consider them to be good friends. We don't always stay in the same hotel, but it doesn't stop us from going for drinks at night or meeting for breakfast. Staying in a different hotel is at most, a minor incovenience.

And she knew the OP couldn't afford the nicer one.... So......

Exactly this - I really don't get why OP is getting a hard time here.

All the trips I have been on with friends have been very much together, but then we also share a room to keep costs down.

This arrangment sounds more like aquaintences going to an event but then doing their own thing the rest of the time - going back to a hotel on your own is a whole different vibe!

I agree with the OP that it was off (given the history previous trips) to not discuss plans to book without her before her friend went ahead and booked.

I agree. She thought she could push you into it.

I would cancel on the basis that you’ve realised that you can’t afford the trip at all and that you should have admitted that when she first asked. Lean into it. Don’t be pushed into spending money you don’t have.

I am with you OP! When I do weekend breaks with my close friendship group , we find a place that we all like/can afford. It would seem odd if a friend just went and booked somewhere else on her own .

The way I see it:

She didn't 'invite' you, but suggested that you meet up again this year for the same event as last - as your way to spend time together.

When she sent the cockroach message you didn't reply - or tell her that you planned to look at mid-range suggestions that would suit you both. And when she asked for the name of the expensive place you didn't add that info either or suggest looking at mid range places.

I think it is relevant that you don't share a room - if you did she would well and truly have left you high and dry. But if the hotels are all close to the city centre / event etc then you just say goodnight on the pavement rather than in the corridor.

I do agree it seems a bit unfriendly but if it is a rare chance for her to travel away from her local community, she probably wants it to be nice.

So, I see it as not 100% great friend-behaviour but not outrageous or cancel-worthy either.

I hope when you get your extra qualification you get a job that enables you to swan into top hotels without a second thought!