to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

I completely agree, I wouldn’t want to spend money on a trip away together that’s not actually together. I’m afraid I would cancel now.

The friend would have been far better off just going on her own. She wouldn't be facing this emotional guilt shit. That's the benefit of being independent and not having to run everything by another person. One of the reasons I love my solo holidays. That's just me though.

I can’t believe how many posters think the friend’s approach is ok. It has completely changed the dynamic of the trip and it’s no longer about catching up and spending time together. As a previous poster said, a lot of the pleasure and fun is having breakfast together or going to the bar at night before bed (or even just hanging out together in the room if it’s a cheaper no frills hotel). I would be so hurt and I think it would be so awkward heading off to separate hotels at the end of the night. The op was perfectly willing to compromise but wasn’t given the chance. She hasn’t changed plans or messed anyone around and I think this was very poor behaviour on her friend’s part.

I can see why you are upset with her. Had she been upfront when first discussing it and stated that she intended to stay in a better hotel you would have the option to decide against going. If you had previously stayed at the same hotel then one would expect the same thing to happen again this year, almost as if she’s tricked you into agreeing. Very thoughtless of her, especially as she’s aware of your finances.
She sounds tight if she stays with you for a week each year for free she could possibly have offered to sub part of the cost.
As you say it will be interesting to see what happens when her finances reduce next year, but do you really want to continue with these arrangements with her?

I 'd be annoyed if a travel partner did this without discussion. I did see that you "rely" on this friend. Maybe its time you started doing your own thing and dialled back on the reliance?

Yes, she's being mean. As pp have said, she could have treated you, slummed it, or found an alternative. Personally I'd have offered to pay the difference so we could both stay in the same hotel, if I really wanted to stay there.

I am now day-dreaming about you having an incredibly well-paid job one day in the future, face-timing her from a swanky hotel suite somewhere, and quoting Julia Roberts. "Big mistake. Huge."

This will make no difference to your trip away. It's just a place to sleep. You can hang out together at the expensive hotel if she is a guest and at the end of the evening you say goodnight and go to bed.

Other than perhaps having breakfast together, it makes no difference. And if that matters so much to you, you could arrange to go out for breakfast together.

Look for a decent hotel near hers that you are happy to pay for and then go ahead. Life is too short to waste on daft things!

I think it's shit of her. It's not really a trip together if you're staying in different locations. She either doesn't care about that or she's presumed she can force your hand into booking the expensive hotel you can't afford.

There should at least have been a further discussion to explore what compromise might work for both of you.

I don't think I would be going. She's put pampering herself above your feelings and budget.

I think she’s a bit rude to invite you on a trip, plan it together, and then book a hotel by herself. There’s surely other hotels in the area you could use. Surely the thing to do is to look together, and decide on a mid-price hotel.

yes I'm considering cancelling. I think it might cause a problem in the friendship

Ya think?

I'd be a bit surprised if a friend did what your friend has done, sure, but not as incensed as you seem to be and I think cancelling and leaving her to attend the event alone is really ratcheting it up to WW3.

It’s very odd that she’s happy to stay in separate hotels. Are you sure she hasn’t others going on the trip too and that they’re staying in the expensive hotel together?

Why didn't you pro-actively suggest alternatives?

Tbh I’m in the camp of your friend not doing much (anything ?) wrong. I feel from what you’ve put originally, you did have a conversation about it and she stated clearly that she didn’t want to stay at the cheaper hotel. Maybe I’d say at a push, you’ve got you’re wires crossed or a miscommunication, if you thought the conversation was going to continue at a later date, but if I couldn’t afford X and my friend wanted Y on that original conversation, I think I would have just said, oh let’s look at some other options then. You (or her) didn’t say that, the conversation must have been left pretty open ….so she’s taken the initiative and booked at the hotel she likes.

you say it’s neither her nor there whether you share a room or not. I’m a fairly anxious person …I’d want to be with my friend/travel with her/ go together/share a room etc….but you’re clearly two very confident and independent women and tbh the room sharing is relevant, because if you don’t share a room, does it matter where you stay? Can you just meet up for breakfast, coffee, dinner, the event etc and go back to your respective hotels?

I agree in the terms of friendship it may have been nice to phone/message to say “hi , just to let you know I’m going to be booking X in the next day or two unless we can think of an alternative?” But equally you haven’t done that either ? ( apologies if I missed that bit). I always try and see things from the other point of view before I get myself really upset over something. How does it look from your friends point of view? Were you really “forceful “ on your opinion in staying in the cheaper one? Did you come up with alternatives? Did you make a date that you’d come back to her with an alternative? Have you been dragging your feet about the whole event or booking somewhere because of your money (understandably) situation? Was your friend going to miss out on getting a room or a special deal if she left it longer etc? I’m not suggesting any of those things have happened, I always just try and see what sort of friend I would look like from their point of view before I get upset.

At the end of the day you don’t have to go if you don’t agree with your friends actions. Tbh is it worth going if you’re going to stew over the hotel arrangements the whole time you’re there.

YANBU. I am your friend in this dynamic with one of my best friends (as in, the higher earner and I love nice hotels). Three of us went on a trip to a very popular event last summer and stayed three in one room in a Premier Inn, with only one of us in a proper bed and two in those single camp beds that they provide for kids. Even that was pricey because the event sends rates in the location sky high every year. Two of us could still have afforded a 5* hotel but we went with this three-in-a-room setup because our third friend couldn't. And we had lots of fun. Far rather that than sat in a posh hotel and friendless.

Edited to add: I wouldn't get upset about this though; it's just that I can see your point of view. None of it is a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

So you’re going to an event together, she is a bit of a snob and wants a pricey hotel which you can’t afford. She’s decided to book that hotel anyway and you’re going to have to go where you can afford. Still will be attending the event together and you were never sharing a room anyway presumably so I don’t see much of an issue.

Unless you’re sharing a room, I’m another one that doesn’t see the problem with this.

When I’ve been abroad with friends, sometimes we’ve stayed at the same hotel and sometimes we haven’t. We met up in the mornings for breakfast and to spend the day together. Staying at the same hotel was not ‘part of the experience’.

There are odd responses on this thread.

When I go away with my friends part of the trip is the experience of being together in the same hotel. We actually tend to share rooms but even if you don't, the same hotel means you travel 'home' together at the end of the day, leave together in the morning, and have breakfast together. We'd also normally hang out in our rooms talking/getting ready etc.

I'd be annoyed in the OP's situation. Hell when I travel with work colleagues I actually like we'd normally aim for the same hotel for the same reasons!

I think it is a bit odd to stay in different hotels. I would be surprised if a friend of mine did this when we were going on a trip together. We always share a room though. When you are not sharing, it seems a bit more reasonable not to stay at the same place.

I wouldn't make it a big deal in any case. I would just think it a bit strange, and then go and enjoy the trip anyway.

If you'd had a discussion and have different budgets it's fine to choose different hotels of course, but I'd be really frustrated if my friend just went ahead and did this without talking to me about it.

The responses aren't odd at all. I do think the OP sounds envious of her friend being able to afford the nicer hotel.

It’s not going on holiday together if you’re not - together!

How weird not to be in the same accommodation! I would be cancelling and wouldn’t mind explaining that I prefer a holiday WITH someone, not adjacent to them!

I would drop the entire trip.
Why am I going to spend money I don't have or you can have a better use to please at half arsed entitled friend? I can't see any goodness going on a trip with someone who wants everything their way and when I give them reasons they say stupidities and fair enough shit.

Well I wouldn't be doing that anymore.

yeah i was disappointed by that short 'fair enough' response. I thought me explaining would have lead to her offering a compromise but nope.