to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

You've been friends for a long time. Don't let it fester. Say what you think. It can be done in a reasonable way. See what her response is.

I think as people get older they are less shy of speaking up to say what they want and putting their own needs first.. it could be looked at as more selfish or it could be looked at as giving up people pleasing.

She clearly remembers staying in a less nice hotel and then a really nice one and decided it was worth it. But consider if she'd kept quiet and gone along with the cheaper hotel she didn't like... wouldn't that have meant a bit of lingering resentment from her? Also when booking hotels, you often cant faff around and are urged to get in quick in case you lose the price or room, which might also have accounted for the lack of consultation

Having said that, I do think you are right and its not great to have to stay separately..I'd also feel a bit miffed, but do what she's done.. speak up.. you've been friends for a long time. She must want to do the trip with you as you said she'd been chasing you for months.

You seem to have missed out what happened after she said she didn't like the hotel last year? Where did the conversation go from there, as that would have been the time to discuss what you both wanted to do?

I assume nothing was said at the time? You obviously didn't like what she said, and no more was said about it at all, did you go quiet about it after that?

So she went ahead and booked the more expensive hotel that she knew you wouldn't have wanted to book anyway (even when you could afford it last year, you didn't want to stay there).

From a personal standpoint, the most odd thing I think is that you are staying in separate rooms, which seems an incredible waste of money to me, especially when you are looking for a more budget friendly option! But based on that neither of you have to stay at the others preference so I can't see what she has done wrong, she wanted to stay there, and you don't, neither of you have to compromise when you are paying for separate rooms.

I asked about sharing a room cos it's also potentially then more expensive if you're booking a single when you'd normally share a double so at least that isn't an issue. still think she's being self absorbed. but I wouldn't throw away the friendship. I'd probably have replied along the lines of "oh I thought we'd pick somewhere together like normal" but I'd let it go

Could you talk to her and say you would prefer if you both stayed in the same place, find a few other hotels and ask her if she would change to stay with you. I doubt she has paid for it already.

this is why I haven't said anything so far - 'life is too short to be explaining the basics to people'.

the thing is I do really care about her. it's a long term friendship and we still have fun most of the time. but she has been quite selfish these last few years on other trips, including coming to stay with me when she had covid (and I was caring for a vulnerable terminal person at the time). I almost stopped speaking to her then. She also kept me up every night coughing and choking. The next time she came to visit, she bought tickets to a show for herself even though the venue was next to me.

I suppose it feels like the final straw. I want the friendship to last but various annoyances have been building. I find it easy to discuss issues in a relationship for example, but much harder in a friendship.

It's obviously not a basic rule of friendship she's broken as half the voters think she did nothing wrong. But you don't like her and don't want to listen to any other opinions, so just tell her not to contact you again.

She doesn’t sound a very good friend.

What are you talking about??! More than half of mn say the OP is not being unreasonable!

Agree l would cancel

I'd go with it this time, but I fear it means that Emma has decided to take a bump in living standards and is now viewing normal life as inferior.
I have always been a frugal person- first by necessity, then by choice - I had several friends that did this, and were not really concerned that i couldn't afford to keep up-they fell away slowly, it's easiest and most painless.
It's a wrench when you have been friends so though- i understand your upset.

I wouldn’t go. I’d be honest and say ( again) you can’t afford the hotel and you’re not happy staying in the other one on your own. I’m also thinking, aren’t the prices per room and not per person thereby sharing would cost her no more money and you could give the price of the cheaper hotel to her towards the cost, if that makes sense. However, if she was expecting you to just stay in a different hotel then I’d question the friendship tbh

Of course it is! It’s completely central to it!

If you were expecting to share a room, but then found out you’d have to pay out for a room of your own when you were hoping to save money by sharing in a cheap place, you might be justified in complaining. It might make the whole thing unaffordable.

However, as you both book your own rooms anyway, why is it so vital that you’re in the same hotel? How does it make any difference? You can still go the event together; spend any time you intended to spend together in the daytime. You’ll just go back to different bedrooms - exactly what you would have done anyway.

They’re going because they want to attend the event. Will it be less enjoyable if they’re not sleeping in the same building? How does OP ever enjoy a night out in her home town? Does she have to invite her friends for a sleepover afterwards?

Bloody hell, who knew hotel breakfasts were so exciting?!

I can’t believe people can only have fun with their friends if they’re sleeping in the same hotel. Fair enough if the hotel itself is the attraction - a spa weekend, or somewhere with lovely leisure facilities you’ve specifically chosen - but if it’s just somewhere to lay your head, who cares if you’re not both there?

I think reasonable to cancel. She's clearly not bothered about whether you come or not.

I think its fine to stay in different hotels but she'd need to say something like "do you mind staying somewhere different to me? I'd just rather be in the event hotel".

I can’t believe people go on a trip with their friends and stay apart, sorry but that’s just weird. And it’s really mean of your friend to do what she did. Everyone knows a trip together is a trip together and you compromise the accommodation!

I wouldn't go, it'll be weird, time to end the tradition. I think she's hugely selfish. Good friends know you always tailor plans to fit the person with lowest disposable income.

Op let this one go she is thoughtless why would you stay in separate hotels then have to meet up at a convenient place just say I’ve decided to leave this trip it’s too much hassle trying to find somewhere I can afford. Maybe another time when my budget is better I hope you enjoy it.

In my experience its better to say what you thinkr ather than expect.

I wonder if it's just a misunderstanding, when she said she doesn't want to go to the first hotel again, maybe she was meaning that she was going to go back just to the more expensive one the whole time, and thought you knew that. So in her mind she thought you had discussed it. Have you booked/paid for any part of the trip yet? You could just not go, if you haven't.

They are bloody exciting! I love a hotel breakfast. In fact, it might be my favourite part of a trip!

friendship finito.
’hi friend, I’ve cancelled my trip, I was shocked you booked into a hotel you knew I couldn’t stay at, it’s not how I see a friendship working. I’d just feel a bit shit if I went anyway now, so better to not go. I hope you have a good time.’

Ah OP, come on!
You sound like a nice woman.
But where is your self respect?
Coming to you with Covid, putting someone at risk?
Ffs, wake up.
She's no friend.
She also doesn't have an ounce of respect for you.
Actions not words are what count in relationships.

@Greenlandss it's strange because in my romantic relationships or familial relationships, I'm not conflict averse at all. But because we've never fought before, I worry about if the friendship will survive it.

out of this long friendship, the last 2 she has been acting selfishly. It doesn't feel enough to throw away a nearly 17 year friendship over?

also last year she did the covid thing but she also sat and cried with me while I grieved another friend. It's not straight forward.

But I do need to find my backbone with her. You're right.

@99bottlesofkombucha I actually went back and looked at her original message word for word and it said 'I know it's expensive but I decided to treat myself for the whole weekend.'

I know loads of PPs disagree but for me it just confirms how selfish she has become in the last couple of years. I worry this is just who she is now. I clearly need to say something and will decide about whether to go to this at all.