to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

I wouldn’t go. Yanbu.
When things change for the worse you truly do find out who is with you in life, financially, physically, emotionally.
Do not waste your time, stay home and study for your exams.
Tell her that maybe you can make it next year.

You are blaming your friend for your life choice.

You choose to make a Masters and sacrifice for it. This is your sacrifice. Why would you ask your friend to endure your sacrifice? Or blame her for your choice?

At 12…yeah, you can be mad that your friend doesn’t sit with you every single time. As a mature student? Nah.

Your both circumstances have change and it impacts your relationship. You can choose to only see people that have your student income if you become nasty otherwise.

Yeah it would rub me up the wrong way too to be honest. Okay, she had a discussion with you but she didn’t confirm that she was going to go ahead and do that. If I was your friend in this situation and I’ve known you awhile considering you as a good friend, I would offer to Pay for your room or make up the difference.

She could have asked you if you could sort out a payment arrangement and pay her back if not wanting to do that.

I'd text back 'you've booked the expensive one that I can't afford just for yourself for the whole weekend without me. Can I just check Ive not got my wires crossed?'

See how she responds

I am confused as to why she wants you there at all.

She will want to spend time at the hotel and use its "luxury" facilities, so what does she expect you to do? Kick your heels at a Travelodge the whole time?

Loads of Mumsnetters have no friends so I wouldn't ask a friendship related question on here op.

I think that what you see as self absorbed, she is seeing as her being efficient l, getting on and doing things and you being a bit flaky. She made the initial proposal and you poo poo-ed it without bringing anything to the table.

The point it went wrong is when she said the cheap hotel had cockroaches and you didn't reply. A simple "let's find somewhere in the middle, talk Saturday," is all it needed. She was left feeling like you were digging in your heels about the cheap place, you were just not bothering. Nothing strange about just sorting yourself out of the other person isn't engaging.

Its an issue with communication, possibly a little bit of pique on your side about having less money, but nothing to suggest she's self absorbed. Suck it up this time and be more engaged next time, don't throw a friendship away over someone not making the same assumptions as you and not psychically knowing what you wanted.

I kind of understand where Blablibladirladada is coming from but if this is a trip for you both to meet up and reconnect then that's not going to be possible if you're not actually spending the same quality time together, so the whole thing seems a waste of time.

This is not normal behaviour, what's the point of a trip away with a friend and then staying in a different accommodation.
I would not be going OP, it seems like this friendship has run its course.

That’s horrible behaviour, not that of a friend. Did you know she had covid before she arrived? I cannot imagine doing that.

@Cherrysoup no, she didn't tell me. Which I could not believe. I felt it was so out of character. Once she was here, what could I do?

I know people are recommending I give up the friendship but it's not something want to do without at least having a conversation. She's also like my parents second daughter and I'm the same in her family after nearly 20 years. It would be a big loss.

But you can let her know that you are upset without ending the friendship. It does feel very odd for her to book before letting you know that she's going to the expensive place. I think I would cancel going in your position but again, it doesn't need to be friendship ending.

Having said that, turning up with covid and going to a gig practically next door (is this when she was staying at yours but going with different friends? I remember that thread and felt it was bloody outrageous) without inviting you might well have been friendship ending for me!

@Cherrysoup thanks. yep, that was her. Although, a little while after, she surprised me by booking a concert for us both. That's why it's so difficult. She'll behave like the old her, then do something completely selfish again.

I'm leaning towards cancellation. I'll think on it this weekend and decide.

I think that's a good idea to think about it, as well as what reasons you will give for cancelling. It's affected you personally and given your updates, I'm sorry I was harsh on you earlier in the thread. Do what's right for you. Good luck x

I think there is a lot in the above.

You do seem in two minds about this.
I also think it is a communications issue.

But while I agree her behaviour does come across as inconsiderate and perhaps selfish. Perhaps she doesn't realise or thinks she is just being assertive. She takes your acquiescence as being OK with whatever it is.

Sometimes people don't speak up because they've been brought up to go along with their elders and "betters" or because they've been made to feel it would be rude or impolite. Or they've been taught that speaking up is confrontational and have faced retaliation in the past. Others may be more forthright in organising things to suit themselves... and I think people become more confident doing that as they get older which might be why it becomes more apparent.

I think you need to redefine the terms of your friendship. At present, she decides something and you feel the choice is go along with it for the sake of the friendship or risk an unpleasant confrontation blowing the whole thing up for good. But before you do that, you could see if it works to get your point across to her a bit better, and question why she does things without communicating properly with you.

So I think it would still be a good exercise to talk to her about this in a non accusatory way.. along the lines of "Friend you may not even realise but I was quite hurt when you booked the place on your own with no further discussion. I've been trying to imagine what I will do whilst we are in different hotels. I don't see the point in going on a trip together and then not actually being together. Its not how I envisaged things when I agreed to come. How do you see it working? and see what she says.

Personally I agree with you a trip where you have to stay in different hotels is a bit pointless, and would make me feel a bit lonely but equally I don't think she owes you to pay for you. It could be that she thought I did it OPs way last time and didn't like it and maybe she resented it, just like you are resenting her decision now and thought I'll do it my way and maybe OP will go with my hotel.

And then you will have told her how you feel without having an argument or assuming what her motives are. I think she might actually be a bit mortified, "I've not saying this to upset you or fight with you, but I think we are old enough to be able to withstand a bit of honesty from each other." Give her a chance to think about it and see if she offers a compromise or even understands what you are saying.

You can then choose whether to to carry on, dial it down, or leave the friendship. But it will be your choice, on your terms. It may backfire of course, but at least you've given it a go, and given both of you a chance and even if it does backfire, you will have said your piece in a way that she will have been able to listen to without shutting it down immediately.

Anyway, only you know the situation in RL but good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Sorry OP I missed your last update, where you said you would talk it through and second daughter, and the concert. All that does lead me to think you can both sort this out without completely losing the friendship. Best of luck

I’ve done it a few times; admittedly usually with a larger group, but once with just two of us. It means that, if we can’t all do the same exact dates, or need to get different flights, or can’t all commit at once, some of us can join for just part of the trip, or book later on without the others having to wait. We still spend time with each other, have nice meals and nights out - we just don’t sleep at the same place.

I'm doing a similar thing next month. I’ve been going away with these particular friends for ten years. Does it sound like our friendships have “run their course”?

I would challenge her behaviour- she said the other hotel had cockroaches- really? Even if it did you friend wouldn't have seen them, they would be in the kitchen.
What we are looking at here is your friends perception that the hotel is the type of hotel she imagines would have cockroaches.
This is a completely different concept, I would say it looked perfectly fine to me, or it looks a little rough let's find a different one in a similar price range. This would flush out why she is doing this, does she feel she has overtaken you and so now does not need to economise on anything?
Should this be the case then I would drop her immediately, because it will just be a trail of things and purchases you don't want to, or can't afford.
Not trying to be unpleasant, but it does sound like your "friend" is doing this in order to give her an opportunity to rub your nose in the fact she is doing better than you- just drop her , life is too short for that kind of pathetic power game.

I would challenge her behaviour- she said the other hotel had cockroaches- really? Even if it did you friend wouldn't have seen them, they would be in the kitchen.

😆😆😆

So what did you end up doing?

Really? I’ve seen a cockroach in the bathroom at a hotel.

Are you absolutely sure that she doesn’t mean that she has booked two rooms as expensive hotel, intending to treat you?

Have you responded yet? If not I would go with something like “eeek I can’t afford expensive hotel.” And see what she says.