to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

Exactly this.

Exactly this!

Ffs OP, she's been entirely proactive and I'm struggling to see how you were any help in booking the trip.

She said shall we do X. You (eventually) said yes.
She said she didn't want to stay at the first hotel. What did you actually say in response to that?
She then booked it.

I can't see where you've meaningfully had any part in proactively planning a trip. Would you ever meet up if she wasn't driving it?

Also you come across so badly saying she can just enjoy her new wealth alone. Bitter.

If I was the friend I think I’d say a bit more than “fair enough” even if it was to be sad that you won’t be in the same hotel, so I find her response a little weird in that regard. Plus the fact that she doesn’t seem to acknowledge there’s a difference in what you can afford. These things are about compromise but it sounds as if there’s not been much discussion.

She had already booked the hotel though, it was too late for compromise.

A week had passed since you told her you didn't want to stay in the cheap hotel. You hadn't told her you planned on looking for compromise hotels, and you hadn't actually looked for a compromise. There was a missed opportunity to communicate there.

i'm not at all bitter about saying it might have been better for her to enjoy her wealth alone this year, if it was important to her to have that hotel.

I know I've generally been the wealthier one, and that next year, I'll probably be the one better off again while she's the mature student. The only thing I'm bitter about is the lack of compromise and discussion.

There was no discussion because I fail to see how ypu engaged in planning the trip at all. What did you actually say and do?

If you've generally been the wealthier one, have you afforded her the same consideration that you now expect?

@ColdAsAWitches I do agree my communication wasn't great. I think in the moment I was hurt by her saying that the previous hotel I chose probably had cockroaches. I had done the planning last year and planning takes effort.

@Kingscallops yes I have been very considerate of her over the years. I always send multiple accommodations options and invite her to do the same. we then decide a place together - as I said, done it this way for 13 years.

I think it is mean of her to go ahead and book without even asking you are you sure you are ok with her staying elsewhere etc. If I go anywhere with friends we would not even consider booking separate hotels. Separate rooms perhaps but not separate hotels.

What are you on about? How is it selfish?
She's not dictating anything. She just can't afford that hotel, so it is no longer going to be the same sort of friends trip.

For me, if I'm seeing an old friend, I quite like to talk late into the night, so I'd either share a room, or do this in the hotel bar, so I wouldn't want separate rooms (obviously if it's friends I see regularly/workmates, then this wouldn't apply, but all my old friends are on the same page as me on this, and they're normally the ones who insist we carry on chatting as late as possible), so if you're the same, I can see why this would bother you. If this applies, I'd talk to her about switching to something in between. If she won't, I'd not bother, or at least not after this trip.

Just talk to her, and say you’re feeling frustrated and a bit disappointed that you didn’t get to book onto the same hotel. It’ll help clear the air. If she’s a good friend you should be able to bring this up without it causing problems, whereas cancelling the whole trip out the blue or some of the other similar suggestions I’d think definitely would.

She's a very long-term friend of yours, which suggests you obviously care about and value one another. So it's really odd that you're calling her 'self-absorbed' - that's really quite mean to say about a person you supposedly care about!

I personally do think it is weird to stay in separate hotels, but it doesn't sound like you offered an alternative either, so she just went ahead with what she wanted. She can afford it and wants to see you on this trip - hardly a crime. Why not just call her and discuss it as adults, and suggest your possible alternatives, rather than winding yourself up further? It would be a real shame to miss the trip over this!

I think what she did is ok.

It is also fine if you pull out of the trip.

These replies are ridiculous. They normally go to the same hotel. Its a joint thing - go back there together ( safer in the evenings as two women), can have breakfast together, set off together. That's been their thing for many years.

Now the richer friend has just decided to ditch that established companionship of the shared hotel to give herself a more luxurious hotel she knows her friend cannot afford. On a trip the rich friend has persuaded her to come on.

Its clearly bloody rude. Its saying her luxury is more important than that part of their long established shared experience and friendship. So rude.

If she invited you to go away stipulating which hotel she wanted to stay in then surely the choice just falls on you as to whether you go or not.

This is very good advice @LorettaYoung

I think Emma is being mean. This move will take the fun out of the holidays

OP, I definitely wouldn't go.
She also wouldn't be staying with me for a week again.
I would text her to crack on as I am no longer interested.
Life is just too short to be explaining the basics to people.
I think she was rude and completely against the spirit of the trip.
Not a chance any of my friends would tolerate such behaviour, no more than I would.

I think what she's done is really weird & rather selfish. What's the point of going on a trip "together" if you aren't? Also very odd to unilaterally decide this & not be arsed about you at all. Even more so considering how much you have put her up. Hardly what a real friend would do. I'd never do this to a friend and nor would any of my friends do this to me. I'd tell her to shove it.

I wonder whether she wanted to have a bit of a splash because she knew she would not be able to afford it next year?

If it were me, I think I would call her and say "I'd rather stay at the same hotel with you since I am only coming on the trip because you talked me into it; I can't afford your hotel, you don't like the cheaper hotel - can we find a compromise? How about this one * etc."

People who would drop a friendship over this little blip are ridiculous. People who would not go on the trip at all are petty. She's your mate, just talk to her and work it out.

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes.
OP: no I’m not…

I don’t understand all the people saying she did nothing wrong. If you go away for the weekend to an event with a friend you stay together, this is really weird of her and I would be feeling that it shows she’s not really bothered about you or your plans.

I would want to be in the same hotel as my friend but this seems like crossed wires.

You don’t appear to have said anything about finding a different hotel together or even that you couldn’t afford the posh hotel.

It was a couple of weeks and you hadn’t found another hotel or seem to have discussed it and so she went ahead and booked her room.

If I was her I would have texted you before booking and told you my plan.
But you didn’t seem to really have a plan or wanted to stay in the cheap hotel and perhaps she was worried about the rooms going.

When is the trip and when were you thinking of booking your hotel?

I would be a bit miffed and she was only thinking of herself ( you’ll be having to go home separately which isn’t the safest etc) but I also don’t think it’s the crime of the year and she probably felt she was doing the right thing.

I’d look for a hotel nearby in your price range but I wouldn’t let it ruin my holiday or friendship.