to think my friend is self absorbed re this trip?

[LorettaYoung]

I've been close friends with Emma for 16 years. We used to live in the same city but she moved back to the small community she's from.

Now we rely on visiting each other or taking trips together. Last year, we went to a weekend event in a city between where we both live. The hotel next door to the event is 170 per night, so we first spent a couple of nights in a cheaper hotel nearby and then moved to that one.

Circumstances have changed since last year - I left my job to do a Masters for one year as a mature student and she got a better job with a good salary. She knows I'm on a student salary. She asked me to do the trip we did last year again, and I agreed. She mentioned she didn't want to go back to the cheaper hotel, 'I think that first hotel had cockroaches'. As someone who has decent standards for hotels, it was all 100% clean and tidy, it just hadn't been updated for a few years. Her comment was extreme.

A couple of weeks after her trip suggestion, she messages to say 'I decided to treat myself and booked all nights at the main hotel'. I replied I couldn't afford that so I would need to do similar to last year. She said 'fair enough'.

AIBU to just think she's so rude for inviting me to do this then booking this expensive hotel for herself without a discussion?

She wants what she wants.
You want what you want.
She says, you do what you want and I'll do what I want
You're only happy if you both do what you want and ignore what she wants.

Fairly clear the selfish one without consideration for her friend here!

Unless you were specifically planning to share a room and have done so in the past, I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. To me, hotels are part of the fun of a trip and I wouldn’t really want to compromise on that just because someone else couldn’t afford it or wanted to pay less. Granted I might think twice about asking someone if I knew they couldn’t or wouldn’t want to stay in the same type of hotel I would, maybe when she asked you she assumed you’d be fine with more nights in the nicer hotel this time? I have a group of friends who I used to holiday a lot with back in my child free days, super luxury hotels and we were all happy to pay for that. Since having kids I can no longer afford/justify that, they always ask me still
and I say just no now or join for just a couple of days. They don’t offer to do cheaper holidays for my benefit nor would I expect them to downgrade their holidays because of my life choices. No drama, we’re at different stages of life and still find plenty of other opportunities to meet up without the holidays.

Why don’t you get an Airbnb together?

I always think these threads are a bir of a red herring. How much difference can there seriously be in price. Hers is £170? You’re not going to get much in city centre for less than £120 these days and so your quibbling over £50-100 for the weekend. You’ll spend that in travel / food / drinks easily anyway. I think you need to look at your finances and it’s possible that actually you can’t afford to do this trip at all, and worrying about the hotel choice is a red herring

I might also have slightly more sympathy for you if you’d lost your job and she knew about it, but I think it’s relevant that you’ve chosen to take time out to do the masters. Not sure why she should have to compromise in that situation because you’ve chosen to temporarily earn less, presumably for your future benefit?

no @dontmalbeconme she didn't say anything. She didn't say 'how about this year we do it this way?'. She just booked it and informed me, that was that.

I don't want what I want. This is what I have to do for a year. There have been times when I've been the one with more money when we've been holidaying yet I've always considered her when it came to selected accommodation when she's been the lower salaried one. I guess in future i don't need to do that.

I just don't agree. You can still go on the trip and to the event with her. You're choosing not to because you'll have to stay in another hotel? That's on you. Why is she only a friend if you are both in the same hotel? I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense to me in adult friendships.

@crazykatwoman actually I was made redundant. after that I job hunted relentlessly for 6 months before deciding to do the degree. That's my personal business though and not relevant to the actual topic here. Yes I chose to do this.

This

Because friends go to events and then part company to go home and go to bed all the time when they are in travelling distance to their homes.

Yes, it is unusual to stay in separate hotels when travelling to an event with a friend but it seems pretty obvious she wanted to stay in a hotel that you couldn’t afford. That staying somewhere more upmarket was important to her. The only other option was for her to go without enjoying the hotel she wanted to stay at and stay in a cheaper, less pleasant one with you. I doubt she would get what she wanted within your price range.

Once you have finished studying, I imagine you will be back on a level footing with her financially and will go back to staying in the same hotel. It seems rather drastic to blow up a long standing friendship for short term differences

I think i just wouldn’t go if that was the case.

another thing is that I put my friend up at my home for a week every year. She stayed in my guest room for a week in November and I make her meals etc.

anyway I'm actually surprised to hear so many people book separately from friends. It's news to me.

that's not how shared trips work tho. if she'd said "I'm going to this event, are you attending too" then fine, sleep where you want but to say "let's go together" and then upgrade without her is mean.

op will also now be paying more for a room in the cheap hotel alone than if she'd shared somewhere midrange between the two places.

and I expect this will translate into where they eat and what activities they do.

i go away with friends yearly. we range from a a WC SAHM (me!) to a lawyer and a doctor. No one insists on price pointing accomodation and activities at their income level because what matters is going together.

If you always share a room I can totally see your point, but if you stay in separate rooms I can’t really see what difference it makes whether you’re in the same building or not?

Yes her actions are a bit odd. You don't organise a mates' trip then book yourself a hotel you know the other person won't be staying in. The normal thing to do would be to discuss a compromise 3rd option - which it sounds like you were expecting. I'd be peed off and probably wouldn't go.

@Lurkingandlearning just because i didn't want to spend 170 per night doesn't mean I couldn't afford a better hotel at a slightly lower price.

I agree with you @SleepingStandingUp - 'what matters is going together' - I can tell you if the scenario was reversed then I would have not booked an expensive hotel without her.

Actually, SHE is returning to uni as a mature student next year, so the shoe will be on the other foot.

In the initial discussion when she said she didn't want to go to the cheap one, and you said you couldn't afford the more expensive one, did either of you say "let's have a look around and see what there is" for example?

Because this reads to me like a miscommunication...so thinks she told you she wanted to stay at the pricier one and that you were going to stay at the cheaper one. You think that you were opening up a discussion without actually saying so.

In the meantime, had you been looking for alternatives and communicating?

I would just say "oh shame, I'd hoped we could find somewhere suitable together. What do you think of this one? Can your booking be changed?"

But reframe the "she invited me"...she suggested doing the same trip again, when you often travel together. She's not invited you to her thing

You chose to do a masters with the resultant drop in salary. It's not your friends fault you made that choice. You are still going to the event together, it is just that your choices mean you will have to stay in a cheaper hotel.

You are throwing your toys out of the pram because you're not getting your own way. You don't get to dictate your friends holiday choices because you chose to give up work. You are being very, very selfish (and I suspect a little jealous).

You sound quite bitter.

I agree. She didn’t do anything wrong.

If the cheaper hotel is fine then what’s the problem?

You are all making choices. She might love to do a masters but can’t afford it. She is not asking you to not do it because she isn’t.

Have a good trip.

I find MN bizarre sometimes and just how many people think it OK to ditch alleged friends without first looking into a compromise hotel.

Are you sharing a room? I don’t see how it matters if you’re not in the same hotel if you’re not sharing a room?

When I go away with my friends, the organised one always books a few hotels (with free cancellation), just so there is somewhere. But, we always share rooms so it makes sense. It wouldn’t occur to me to book the same hotel with a friend I wasn’t sharing with. Surely by booking separately you can both have what you want and can afford?

I'd be cross too and I would end up not going.

If you had booked independently and then found out your friend was also going to be at the same event although staying at a different hotel and you arranged to meet up whilst there that's one thing. But you arranged to go together - staying at different hotels is not going together. I would be annoyed.

I find it odd that people think it is normal to arrange to go away with someone but stay at different hotels. Surely part of going away together is meeting up for breakfast, sitting having a drink in the evening before going to bed etc. You don't have to be sharing a room but to stay in seperate locations is just weird if you are away together.

I find it bizarre that sleeping in a different hotel is "snide" or "ditching" or "self-absorbed" in some people's minds.

But then a lot of MNers don't actually seem to like their friends.

OP hasn’t answered if they were sharing a room
or not so we don’t no if it will cost her any extra

@Lunde agreed. There wasn't even an attempt at compromise. She could have even said I'll really like to book this, what do you think? And we could've discussed it.

if people are happier booking different types of accommodation to suit themselves fair enough. on a trip with friends it seems individualistic to me.