to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

[HazelMember]

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

I am not even allowed to come round for a cup of tea on bath day 😂

I even bring my own cup and tea bags to reduce any work!

I think the fact that its “someone who pops onto the thread” is your answer here. MN is pretty much the only place I come across people who dump work at the drop of a hat and I don’t believe the half of it.

There was a poster on a recent thread claiming that they kept away from work, kept children away from school/nursery even with a minor sniffle and that everyone else should do the same. I assume she lives in Brigadoon or some equally real place.

It is not an issue of finding appointments more difficult. It is retired people saying that they are as busy as I am because they have two appointments in a week!

That is exactly my plan for when I retire next year. I am going to tell everyone how busy I am while doing nothing at all. Or as Jackson Lamb says "Have you lot finished? I've got a busy day doing fuck all."

What I have learned is that many things you do in retirement aren't voluntary at all. They don't benefit anyone else, true. But there is so much maintenance that I didn't have to do 10 years ago. I can't just do what I want on a Saturday morning any more. I have to get out of bed, take a tablet, and then stay upright for the next half an hour before I can do anything else including eat or drink. Every Saturday no matter where I am or what else is going on. Am I busy? No, I might be doing nothing but I still have to do it. And the mental load that goes along with it, fitting it in and not forgetting.

And then there's exercise. There are half a dozen exercises I'm supposed to do once or more often a day for different reasons, all of which I've been told (or read) "oh it's no trouble, it only takes a couple of minutes, you can do it while you're making a cup of tea". Try it sometime. Maybe once a day is no trouble. More than one is trouble.

And a lot of things are more difficult and take planning. I can't just "nip out" anywhere without the right shoes and the stick. Well I still could, but there's the risk of falling. Twenty years ago I could get by for the day if I forgot my glasses. Not any more. There's a reason for all that faff.

Getting old is hard work. I haven't got the headspace to fit in much more of this and a job.

How am I belittling what they do? They can do whatever they want. My DM gets angry with me if I say I need to book time off to take her to an appointment and I am not just available all the time. I have a job and DC!

My elderly uncle watches TV all day and into the night. Good luck to him. But he wants me to sit and watch it for hours with him. No I can't because I work, have DC and lots of tasks to do for him as he is housebound.

People can spend their time however they like. No objections.

This is the sort of thing I'd call in sick for - a little road trip on a sunny day.
Fuck work, sack it off.

Has been my experience too. REtired mum gets flustered looking at her calendar if she has a thing in it more than 2 days in a row. The thing might be lunch with a friend, or getting her hair cut, or the plumber coming out. Totally overwhelmed 😂, tho it's not just retired people. A SAHM I know, with school age kids, doesn't exercise because she "has no time". (Not judging the not exercising, but no time?? Really??) My DSis, who worked PT for a while (no kids), now doesn't work because she found it too stressful because she's so "busy" with other things. Yes . Too busy to work 🙄

When I'm at work I'm fully present and do my job well, and as soon as our holiday is allocated I book all my important dates off for the year, but if something comes up that I can't book holiday for (because it's too short notice or someone else is already off) then I'll call in sick.

It doesn't happen very often and last time it was because my partner got last minute tickets to an event, and the time before that was because a family member decided to visit us as a last minute thing. There are times when family or life trump a job.

HazelMember

but that’s busy for them and you’re describing busy for you ergo they equate the two! It’s busy for them

We are both busy with different things but they are saying they are more busy than me by having two appointments a week!

They are not just saying they are busy which would not be an issue.

As retired person I have a few comments and opinions...

1. Sometimes technology does not help. What have I done this week? I got a new phone. Oh gosh, it has taken from Monday morning until lunchtime today to get it functioning fully. I've had to input passwords and transfer photo albums, and all the rest... As a child of the 60s none of this comes instinctively to me, and I guess my system for storing passwords to my apps is woefully antiquated. Plus the layout of the screen is different and that has thrown me off. My finger is wandering around the homepage looking for the correct icon. If you're 26 you will not understand this dilemma, nor how much time and mental energy it consumes. In the 'olden days' we had none of this. A landline if wewere lucky.

2. Other even older people. I'm in my 60s and some of my relatives and friends are in their 70s, 80's and 90's. It is one of my pleasures to be able to help and support. But, I have to go at their pace (and I'm really glad that I have the time and space to do this). I recently took two 90 year old family members on a short trip for an appointment - doing it because other younger family members were working. It took 20 minutes from when I arrived at their door to getting in the car, helping them with seatbelts, getting back out of the car and returning to the house to get the forgotten blue disabled parking badge, refitting the seatbelts... When I was 25 and they were 55 we'd have done all of that in 3 minutes.

Doing things 'properly'. Oh, the pace of life in my 40's!!! 3 mornings a week I'd head for the airport to go to various different cities. I'd go to the supermarket on my way home (no online/deliveries then). Parenting teens and tweens. Most of it done badly Homework not supervised, run out of milk, bleary-eyed at meetings. What a delight now to have time to plan and cook delicious nutritious meals for my dgc. Time to listen to my dc when they need me. Time to get the MOT done before it runs out and the car is uninsured...

And at last, some time to look after myself. A pilates class that starts at 9.30am (not 6am!). Time to make chicken stock and then use that in a home made laksa. 4 days spent on a walking trip with a dear friend. Time to engage with an art group and discover that I can be creative.

I make no apology that the 'busy-ness' of my life now is not equivalent to yours or to the 'busy-ness' of my own younger life.

But that’s not an age thing that’s a health thing.

DH is 31. He has daily exercises due to a joint problem, he has to eat before 7pm and cannot eat 3 hours before bed. He has to wear a blindfold daily and do balance exercises too. He has daily tablets and must stay upright after every meal.

Somehow he also manages to do a 50hr work week without acting like having to remember any of this is equivalent of his full time job.

Oh no… you have to stand up for 30 minutes. How do you get anything done?

Oh, there speaks youth! Health things come packaged up with the age thing.

Your DH is impressive.

By the way @HazelMember - on a practical note, your uncle might benefit from a befriender? Or a lunch club / day centre? Maybe an outsider would be able to encourage him to be more social and maybe more active. People do have odd expectations around family.

And women (middle-class women anyway) work much more outside the home than we used to, that may contribute to why your uncle expects you to be available in ways you're not.

Good tip. I have asked him as there is a local church that runs a befriending service. Social services also offered to send someone round once a week too. He refused both of them saying he wants to talk to me instead.

He is completely housebound and immobile so cannot go anywhere.

His wife used to work so he is familiar with women working but he keeps saying he doesn't understand why I keep rushing around.

I think your uncle is lonely and just wants someone to talk to, not just rush in do what's necessary and rush out. He knows you are busy he just wishes you had a bit of time for him. It's hard being old and alone.

My in-laws don't claim they're as busy as us - they say they are far busier! Hence why my brother-in-law and his wife who both work full-time should make the 5-hour round trip to them, at a weekend with two primary school age kids, and they volunteer for community stuff. The in-laws couldn't possibly go to them, because they're too busy...

They're just the same with us, though we don't have as long a journey. It drives me crazy.

Then there's the demands that trivial things be sorted immediately, without understanding that work even exists. So the time they wanted me to quit work for the day and resolve their printer issues so they could print out their yearly newsletter for their Christmas cards. This was October.

Or the many times where I've had panicky phone calls and voicemail messages because I haven't managed to get back to them in half an hour, in a job where I'm not allowed to answer my phone.

I think that is true but he is refusing to talk to people who do have the time for him making his loneliness worse.

His list of things for me to do for him keeps growing all the time so he can't be surprised I have to rush around more.

I just decline these bat shit demands. Yep, my mother thought a 8-8.5 hour round trip journey was not a problem for a lunch catch up one weekend and was put out l wouldn’t do it

We did. Didn't stop them though, and then they made life very difficult for us.

I know the vibe. My spidey senses lead me to believe there’s another such “request” incoming as the lunch one was a few months back now. Doubtlessly will involve lots of hassle and faff for me but none for my mother. Bonus points when she says “it’s just easier”, yes for YOU but not for anyone else involved

Ha! Not just us then. We lived 3.5/4 hours from in-laws and they complained we couldn’t ’pop up for dinner’. In fact they told everyone we were coming to a meal on a Wednesday at 7pm, told us the day before and then there was drama about us not turning up.
They visited us every 2 years because it was ‘too far’.

They insisted we travel to them (45m ish so granted not a million miles, but still...) with a 2 week old baby and a 1 year old because it was 'easier' as they had a dog. We declined.

But how would you have travelled there anyway? Guidelines say a child that young shouldn’t be in a car seat for more than half an hour.

Unpaid washing/cleaning/housework/child care are things that we all do as working mums, without the luxury of having all day at home to do them