to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

[HazelMember]

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

TBF, I wasn't worried about that, as in a full term healthy baby, the risk pretty much evaporates, especially if an adult sits in with the kids (there was space), and it wasn't much more than the 'limit'. Also, even the lullaby trust doesn't give a 30m limit. Car seat manufacturers do, but are unsurprisingly very risky adverse.

It was more the presumptive nature that of course we should be the ones to travel, because our lives are so much easier, and it's so much easier to travel with a baby and a toddler than it is for them to either bring their dog, leave it behind or make arrangements. We had done some outings, but they were based on our timings, to suit us, if it worked that day. Most people weren't demanding we drive down a couple of weeks after section. Urgh. Things got a lot worse after that, but it's too outing.

Some parents sound needy and demanding.

We are now 70, but when we became (old) parents, our parents generally drove the 300 miles to see us, and it could be six hours. When they were over 80, we went to them (after a spectacular FU when DMIL forget where she was going and drove around Salisbury for three hours: it was the first alert to her incipient dementia). But we did make a rule early on that visits were never scheduled over public holidays after we spent 10 hours in the car with a toddler.

I have to get out of bed, take a tablet, and then stay upright for the next half an hour before I can do anything else

Wow, having to stay upright for a whole half hour after getting out of bed sounds awful. How do you manage it?

How do you do the childcare whilst working? I always needed nannies/nurseries/childminders.

It's not awful, or unachievable, it's just another little handful of grit in life's machinery. One extra droplet in the increasing shower of small requirements that rain more and more heavily upon us as we get older. Something else to keep in mind, on top of everything else, whatever "everything else" might be. If I seem absent minded and a bit boring well I have a lot of small stuff to remember that's not very interesting to talk about.

So if you're carrying a heavy load right now, imagine carrying that load plus a whole load load more slippery little items that you mustn't drop that don't fit into your backpack. Getting old is like that. Sorry, I'm probably not cheering you up!

Why can't you do stuff whilst being upright? In which case, it's just getting on with your fat ass you would anyway surely.

And why would you get out of bed, take a tablet and then lie down for a nap straight away anyway. It makes no sense.

It was just an example. Not only can I not go back to bed, I can't eat either. Sleep late one day, gym in an hour, takes time to get there. Do I miss the class or go on an empty stomach?

Small things that knock on. And they increase. No wonder we get a bit routine bound.

I know, it doesn't make sense until it happens.

I think there are different sorts of busy. Someone working then coming home to housework is obviously busy - everyone can see that. But someone writing a novel or running a sports or other interest group can also be busy, but it doesn't show as much, as a lot of what happens happens indoors and (in theory) could always be done tomorrow. It's a bit like when people who can't wfh assume that anyone who does must be lying in bed or watching TV all day. Most mature adults don't need to be seen to be doing things to be doing them, but a lot of people can't accept that.

I think it's often the case that older people have never lived the lifestyle their children have, and vice versa. My mum could never get her head around working from home, thinks online shopping is for people who 'can't be bothered', that 'not being bothered' to do all sorts of pointless things is lowering standards, that working mothers just want to 'have it all' and so on. She was young in a very different time. She calls housework 'work' (as in I've been working all morning') and it doesn't occur to her that people who go out to work don't have self-cleaning houses. Life has changed so quickly that people from different generations have bigger differences in lifestyles than used to be the case.

They are busy but they have time for it. If you working/on lunch you on set times with managers.

Yes, I think people forget. My mum was incredibly busy when I was little - looking after us, working night shifts as a nurse too, bank work when possible. Dad worked long hours, often away for stretches too. They were busy people, I think they forget how busy working parents are, they think they're busy now but it doesn't compare. I guess I'll forget too later

You will, you really will. I am 58 so still working but obvs my children are older now. While I haven't forgot those years yet, I do sometimes wonder where I got my energy from. The point is though, that I did, as will generations after me.
Despite what many on MN think, being busy while having a young family is not unique to today. It has always been the case, sorry.
I think one of the issues is that people are living longer and having children later now. My mum for instance, was 70 when my youngest was born, so on the way to being old when he was a newborn.
I do find the spite towards older people on MN awful though. There seems to be a contingent who think that their parents are there just to make life easier for them, and as soon as they stop being useful, they become irrelevant.
You can see many times on this thread alone that some younger mums seem to think they are immune to the aging process and are under the impression that (a) they will remain the same when they are in the 80s as they are now, and (b) their parents are being demanding/difficult just to spite them.
It's horrible to read tbh.

Bisphosphonates?

I hated them, even once per week and was very glad to move to alternatives (which obviously not always possible).

No one is saying that parents today are the first people in history to be busy. Of course previous generations worked, raised children and managed households too. The difference is not that busyness is new, it is that the context has changed.

Work is more demanding (very difficult to get by on one salary), house prices are ridiculous, childcare is hugely more expensive, support networks are smaller and many people are juggling paid work, parenting and caring for older relatives at the same time. That triple load was not as common in the past. Acknowledging that does not mean dismissing what earlier generations did.

Saying younger parents are “spiteful” towards older people misses the point. Most people are not angry at ageing itself. They are frustrated when their own exhaustion is minimised or dismissed. Being told to slow down or that retired life is just as busy can feel invalidating when you are stretched to your limits.

Also, recognising that life feels harder right now does not mean anyone thinks they are immune to ageing. It means people want their current reality to be understood rather than brushed off.

This is not about disrespecting older people. It is about recognising that different life stages come with different pressures and that modern working family life is usually a lot busier than for some retired folk who say having two appointments a week means they are just as busy as working people with young families.

Yep, those. I'm fine taking them apart from the (minor) inconvenience. It really is trivial for me compared to what many people my age have to manage and
I've reached an age where this is just normal, nearly everyone my age is managing at last one long-term health condition. At 30 that was a rarity.

They're all down the supermarket on Friday lunchtime, if my local Sainsbury's is anything to go by.

No, you are not busy, and it is an absolute insult to younger generations to tell us you’re busy. Indulgent cooking, going for walks with friends, pilates class, art - none of this makes you busy. None of it is necessary, it’s all choice, you’re just doing things you choose to do because you enjoy them. Full-time work, children, housework, cooking to survive - that’s busy.

Who could disagree with you @cinnamongirl123? I'm not going to. But I hope you might agree that after retirement, your time is your own to do as you like? If you are someone's child, then someone looked after you when you were an unruly 4 year old, and many grandparents do. My sister, whose kids are older than mine, frequently does school pickups and weekend sleepovers for the GC, and happily. But it is our choice to do the things we enjoy, because the children are yours, not ours. If you bring them into the world, it is up to you to think out the details of looking after them.

DId you actually read the post to which you are responding?

@cinnamongirl123 , you may not like hearing this, but if you have parents, they have earned their leisure. Who cares whether they like walking or Pilates or art classes. They have raised you, and worked until retirement age and their time is now their own. IF they give you some child care time, be very grateful. They don't have to help.

Yes. I know. I've done it.

Why is it an 'absolute insult' that in my later years my sense of being busy is different to how it was in my 30's , 40's... I am being busy helping and supporting much older people.

And I didn't mention helping to look after dgc - which includes the 'indulgent cooking'.

And it is probably something this poster has done when she was younger. Why oh why do younger people think their situation is unique?? It isn't. So what will you do when you retire (stands by for the 'there will be no pension when I retire' contingent)?
Stop being so spiteful.

Why oh why do younger people think their situation is unique??

It never helps anyone when you generalise.

@cinnamongirl123 at 65 I still work albeit only 3 days a week. DD, aged 27 and her bf, pop in and out regularly, often staying overnight. I cook for them at least weekly. DH still works all hours.

We see friends, I am working my way through the house Swedish Death Cleaning style on my days off. Days off also serve now fkr drs, dentist, hairdresser. I am cooking more than when I worked full-time. I visit my mother once a month (200 mile round trip).

Am I busier than a lady I know of the same age who hadn't worked for six years, lives alone in a tiny house and watches a lot of TV. Absolutely.

Do I have more time when the DC were children, at schools in opposite directions, a full-time job, au-pair, swimming, dance, drama, rugby, cricket, football, etc, to co-ordinate and a workaholic husband. Absolutely - do I have the energy I had then. No. Do I have to pace more? Yes.

Our energy levels dip and we get more tired and I am an active 65 year old.

I agree with you @cinnamongirl123 in that I'd define 'busy' as having a lot of non-optional demands on my time, not as having the freedom to choose how to spend time and then choosing to spend it doing lots of the fab things that e.g. . @moderndilemma you do.

A working mother is 'busy', in the sense of having limited time she can choose what to do with, and a retiree has a lot of free time (well-earned, I know - not at all suggesting that they didn't work hard and bring up children etc etc!). And some retirees choose to fill their free time in lovely/ active/ useful ways, some choose to spend more of it chilling out on the sofa (no judgement either way btw!)

I think there is a difference between being busy making a stock from scratch, and being busy trying to finish work on time to pick up a toddler from childcare, cook and eat dinner before bedtime, and do laundry for a family of five before the toddler wakes for the first of several times that night. That's what I took from what @cinnamongirl123 said anyway.

My DSis describes herself as busy, but without work or children. She could opt out of anything that feels too much. I'd also describe myself as busy, but I work and have three young kids. If I opt out, I get fired, my kids go hungry etc. To equate our levels of busy-ness would feel a bit insulting. I get that for retirees, they've worked really hard and have earned the break, absolutely. But surely the level of busy-ness is - justifiably and understandably, I'm not criticising it - but surely it's different?

i agree Rosesandhellebores. Im
partially retired and although I am super active and busy, there is a lot more of that time that is voluntarily busy rather than essential .