to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

[HazelMember]

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

It's not really about saying that retired people or people not working at the moment aren't busy, it's the attitude of some that will say "I'm just as busy as you are and I manage to fit in xyz so you ought to." I've had it from the parents on both sides regarding things like mowing the lawn, weeding, the unwashed car, and even why I haven't watched X series yet on telly.

How thoroughly unpleasant.

It's not a competition, I tend to think people who always bang on about how busy they are aren't that busy at all they just aren't very efficient at doing stuff,the people who are really busy just get on with it.

I agree about work expectations having changed. My parents are constantly complaining about lazy young people WFH (skiving) but have no sense of what expectations actually are now and am always amazed that I don't get to stop work at 5.

Generally I think what you do expands to fill the time you have so I can well imagine that you can feel busy all the time in retirement. I also think the less you do, the bigger each thing seems.

Reflecting, I think the retirees who are stressed and very busy with the day to day, were probably always that way. Similarly, those who were full on and juggled well manage their time in retirement.

MIL and Mother, both now 89 have had totally different perspectives although both worked full time. MIL was disorganised and procrastinates and always did. Her house was never that clean, work was always a complete burden and nothing ever got done.

When FIL died in 2008 her incompetence came to the fore and she has never since opened a letter or paid a bill because FIL did it. DH does it or it wouldn't get done. She was a Deputy Head Mistress FFS!. Her piece de resistance was when we had a little holiday with them when DS was 3 and DD 11 weeks. Her job had been to bring cottage pie and frozen peas for the first meal.

She called me at about 5.30pm, just as the misery hour started to let me know that with all her packing, etc, she had just not had time to do it, so could I, as I had my own car. My mother would have made it from scratch and ot would have been in the freezer a week before.

I think it comes down to fundamental personality rather than generation. Peple are either disorganosed lazy so and so's or they aren't.

Every generation or 2 thinks the older one has it easy. They've done their grafting.

It is not about grafting. I don't think my uncle had it easy. He was in the war but he struggles to understand why I can't sit and chat with him for hours and watch TV when I am juggling looking after him, DC and work.

My dad was very surprised when I said I couldn't drive him four hours to Somerset on a weekday with less than 24 hours' notice to pick up a classic car he had his eye on. 'Just take the day off, it's going to be sunny!' he said. Er, no, I don't think my boss would be very pleased with that.

I have come to realise it is partly envy though - I love my dad and he did work hard when he was my age, but I just can't believe that I will have as much free time or be so comfortable financially when I am his age. I volunteer with a lot of older retirees and I'm sure they did work very hard and couldn't be nicer people but I don't think they appreciate just how luxurious some aspects of their lives are. Everyone has their troubles though obviously.

YANBU. I volunteer with a community group. I give what time I can, which is limited as I work full time and have small children. The bulk of the volunteering is done by people who are retired. Most of them worked very part time when their kids were young (they are agog that I work the hours that I do). They complain constantly about how they do most of the work and demand that younger volunteers need to step up and do more. Conveniently forgetting that when they were working with young families, the (retired) generation above them did the bulk of the volunteering.

OP, maybe your uncle doesn’t really know how busy you are. He just chooses not to think about it as he wants some company. There also might be a bit of misogyny going on as some older men think it is only men that have important jobs.

I think ( I'm early 60's) the comment about having less energy n your 60's is very pertinent. I'm still working in a stressful professional job but now part time. I find it exhausting in a way I didn't even when I had 3 kids, single parent and a home to run. But tasks fill up the time you have, I'm still really busy and very active, I'm just more tired that I used to be and I can't wait to fully retire and have the luxury of all that TIME !

But you focused on age. Its the same reason that some people without children, people who only work 9-5, people who work part time, young people with no responsibilities and sometimes others with equal work/child responsibilities don’t grasp your busyness.

The identity factor is irrelevant. Some people put more effort into understanding the situation of others. Some don’t.

@HazelMember To be honest you are coming across as having some ‘nasty assumptions’

Don't belittle what older retired people don’t their days. It’s one thing to be annoyed when older relatives make demand on already busy working parents but it’s quite another to make little of how they spend their time

What nasty assumptions?

I don't belittle whatever older or retired people wish to do. I am just fed up of being told to sit and chat for hours and comments they are as busy as me as they have two appointments in a week.

I have no problem with whatever older retired people wish to do with their life.

i think you should also remember that when people start to get old ( as in age catches up with them ) then they feel as exhausted by doing very little as you do working and raising a family . Seen a few threads lately where the OP doesn’t recognise that age has a real physical impact on people and their energy levels. They are not being lazy or thoughtless , just aging so bits of body and brain and slowly failing

it’s happening to my mam now - if she does something in the morning she needs to nap in the afternoon . I could imagine it gets to the state that an appointment on a Wednesday takes all week to prepare and recover from

Well you were quite snide about your DM bath and laundry days.

Fine to be frustrated that your uncle can’t see you are busy ( just say no and tell him you are busy!) but it’s not pleasant to dismiss how your DM fills her day.

Think you've triggered some folks there OP. 😉

Really?
I thought it was an ideal response to somebody who appears to be of the opinion that rather than declining, i should stop working, tell my boss that I'm unavailable to do my job, and nip to asda to purchase a retiree some mini cheddars because they can't be arsed to do it themselves.

What do you think I should do?
Accept that I'm a terrible person, quit my job and make myself persistently available to accede to a man who does nothing beyond demand service all day?

Do let me know at your earliest convenience and I'll switch my life around to accommodate your suggestions and avoid being judged on Mumsnet.

I really do dislike the word 'busy'. I never mention how 'busy' I am, but it's almost a competitive word for some people. A school Mum has to go on and on how busy she is, everytime I see her...it's draining.

I have no objection or issue with that. But I am told how amazing it is to have free OAP travelcard and I should use buses for everything like they do (after they drove to work all their life). I say I can't fit everything in if I get the bus all the time.

It is fine if it takes a month to recover from a nap but why claim to have as busy schedule as I do with work, DC and caring responsibilities? I get told all about the amazing daytime TV and how I should watch it too.

I am not snide but DM wants me to do things for her but I am restricted because it is bath day or laundry day or I need some milk day. I don't have many time gaps where I can fit things in. She can do any of these things on any days as she does not work, has no hobbies and rarely goes anywhere despite good health.

Then she complains that I don't do anything but I am struggling to fit things in around her bath and laundry days and my own commitments.

lol my in laws are the same with bath day! Sunday and Monday we can’t do anything with them… as they need to have a bath 😂

Of course they do, in the same way we all will in the future, and we’ll find appointments more difficult than we do now because of health and mobility and we’ll get tired more easily! I’m only 40s and in a pretty demanding job and my god when I think about when I was in my 20s, the jobs I worked, the travel, the hours, and the ability to go out afterwards I think wtf. I’m exhausted and aching now so can’t imagine 20 years time😅😅😅

I ring in sick if something pops up unexpectedly (depending on exactly what it is) as work is not my priority, my life and family are.

Well yes that's the modern way if MN is typical.
Just go to work if you have nothing else planned.
I wonder if your employer might decide paying you is not their priority.
NOTE: I am not saying all workers are like this. I am still a full-time worker. But every time working and parenthood is discussed on here there is always someone who pops in to sanctimoniously say their family is their priority as if no one else cares about theirs.
Generally speaking, when you are at work (for which you are being paid) work should be your priority.

That certainly seems to be the case 😂